Once upon a time, Mark Driscoll was a superstar in the conservative evangelical church scene. A gifted communicator and a charismatic leader, Driscoll’s down-to-earth and hip-yet hard-line approach to preaching won him many fans.
At the height of his fame, the church he founded, Mars Hill, had over 14,000 members in five states and fifteen locations, making it the third fastest-growing church in the USA.
And while on the surface, everything appeared to be going well behind the scenes, Driscoll also built a reputation amongst his own staff for his dictatorial leadership style. Reports of bullying, verbal abuse, and angry outbursts, began to leak out. After years of silently suffering for the sake of the church and the Lord’s work, formal complaints about Driscoll’s behavior were finally brought to bear.
An investigation by Mars Hill’s Board in 2014 concluded that there were many instances of “bullying” and “patterns of persistent sinful behavior” by Driscoll. The Board also concluded that Driscoll had “been guilty of arrogance, responding to conflict with a quick temper and harsh speech, and leading the staff and elders in a domineering manner.”
New York pastor Tim Keller told reporter Michael Paulson, “The brashness and the arrogance and the rudeness in personal relationships — which he himself has confessed repeatedly — were obvious to many from the earliest days, and he has definitely now disillusioned quite a lot of people.”
The Church leadership crafted a “restoration” plan to reform Driscoll and save the church. But Driscoll promptly handed in his resignation and flew the coop, with only a few conciliatory words to his victims, a half-arsed apology, and apparently little remorse.
After more than a decade of explosive growth, Mars Hill Church imploded spectacularly. Attendances plummeted. Giving dried up. Within a matter of months, Mars Hill Church closed its doors for good — the church’s 13 remaining campuses dissolved into autonomous entities.
In 2016, Driscoll started a new church.
The spiritually abusive leader
Like Driscoll, when the pastor of my former church finally retires, he will leave in his wake a trail of damaged and hurting people. In fact, if you were to make a church out of the people who have left his church — down through the years — broken, confused, and devastated, you would have a much larger church than the mediocre and medium-sized one he will leave behind.
He has never been held to account because, unlike Driscoll, he lacks the kind of public profile that demands accountability. He has been able to fly under the radar, so to speak. But, the patterns of behavior are similar. The chief goal of his leadership was to maintain power and control at all costs, and it didn’t matter how many people were hurt in the process.
This is one of the hallmarks of spiritual abuse.
Before I go on, for the purposes of this article, let me explain what I mean by spiritual abuse.
Unfortunately, spiritual abuse is not a crime or legal violation, but it definitely falls into the category of spiritual malpractice. In a nutshell, spiritual abuse occurs when someone manipulates and controls others through the use of religion, faith, or belief systems.
This article gives some specific examples of spiritual abuse, but to sum it up succinctly, it involves techniques such as gaslighting (making people question their reality), stifling voices through imposed hierarchies or claims of spiritual authority, enforcing rigid adherence to specific doctrines and practices, and resorting to methods like shaming, shunning, or legalistic moralizing to enforce behavioral codes or morality.
Driscoll is a classic example of a spiritually abusive leader. And he was finally held to account. However, in plenty of other churches, abuses of power by church leaders are often overlooked because, well… it seems wrong to challenge the Lord’s anointed.
Sometimes it seems that the most difficult place to convince someone that they ought to repent is the church. And, what is more, within the church, the most difficult person to convince that they ought to repent is the pastor. There is too much at stake for him to admit that he needs to change his style and accept responsibility for the damage he is causing.
What a sad indictment.
What to expect when you confront a spiritual abuser
Therefore, when spiritual abusers are exposed or called out for their behavior, do not expect them to meekly submit and repent. Typically, spiritual abusers believe that they are justified in their actions and can resort to using some or all of the following strategies to escape being held accountable:
But, I am more spiritually mature
Spiritual abusers leverage their apparent spiritual maturity as a reason to dismiss the victim’s complaint. They can also use their — apparently — more sophisticated knowledge of the Bible to position themselves above critique.
The church should live in unity
When confronted by a complaint, the abusive church leader may resort to using rhetoric about how the church should be united. They may even bring out certain Bible passages about unity in the church to justify silencing the victim.
This is an attack from Satan
When in doubt, blame the Devil! You can imagine a church leader saying, “This is an attack from Satan,” therefore removing responsibility from themselves and placing it squarely on the shoulders of an invisible enemy.
In fact, spiritual abusers may appeal to the work of evil spirits as an explanation for the victim’s complaints. They may label the accusations against them as some kind of spiritual attack.
Everyone is sinful
Even if the spiritually abusive leader accepts that they have erred, they may try to convince people that their abuse isn’t really that bad, that since everyone is sinful. Why should they expect anything different from their rather human pastor? In so doing, the spiritual abuser is actually exploiting the doctrine of sin and fallenness to excuse or minimize the severity of their own behavior.
Jesus commands us to forgive
If you don’t forgive, you will not be forgiven. People who bring complaints are reminded that Jesus said this. This is merely an attempt to exploit the doctrines of forgiveness and reconciliation to demand that a victim forgive the abuse, even if there has been no real repentance — and often there isn’t.
You’re just bitter
If you are unable to move on or forgive — which would be a more than reasonable thing really — spiritual abusers may insinuate that your ongoing hurts are the result of ungodly bitterness or resentment. I have personally been described as this way for my grievances against the church, even though the church refuses to acknowledge or address them.
Don’t listen to them!
Spiritual abusers may try to isolate their victims socially by spreading harmful or damaging rumors or even suggesting to others that continuing contact with the victim may somehow lead them astray.
What would you do without me?
Spiritual abusers might attempt to make themselves appear so vital to significant ministries that people, not wanting to feel responsible for their possible collapse, keep their complaints to themselves.
No one will believe you
Spiritual abusers manipulate others to think highly of them but little of the victim, making the victim feel like they wouldn’t have any support if they did expose the abuse. Spiritual abusers lie to the victim about how they are regarded by the Christian community, isolating them from possible sources of support.
The pressure of the job is getting to me
Spiritual abusers may even use the busyness, stress, pressures, or responsibilities of ministry to excuse abuse. They may bemoan that their inappropriate behavior is a result of the ‘pressures of the job,’ making the victim feel that their complaints are unreasonable or harsh.
I’m the real victim here!
Above all, spiritual abusers like to paint themselves as a long-suffering or patiently enduring martyr — the victim of an erratic and emotionally immature person, undermining the real victim’s credibility whilst underscoring theirs.
Confronting the abuse
One of the sure signs that you are actually dealing with a ‘man of God’ is that when you confront them about their behavior, they will actually listen to you, own the offense, apologize to you, and make plans to address their behavior.
If they deny, explain away, deflect, or dismiss, then that’s a sure sign that you are dealing with someone who is much more invested in preserving their own position and maintaining power and control, than in the real work of the church.
I don’t want you to be naïve about it. Just like when you corner a dog, when you confront an abuser, unfortunately, you can expect a fight. But, if your church chooses to dismiss your concerns, then walk away. Shake the dust from your feet and start again somewhere else.
There is no place for abuse of any kind in Churches. It needs to be called out for what it is. It is the silent epidemic that plagues our churches, and it is time for it to stop.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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