When You Don’t Even Have ABC Sex

What’s ABC sex?

I thought maybe it was something vanilla — just regular sex.

“Did you have ABC sex with your husband?” my lover asked.

“Uh, no? What’s that?”

“Sex on Christmas! And you know, anniversary and birthdays!”

I laughed.

“Yeah, right! Does that answer your question? How about no sex ever? I don’t need a freaking holiday to remind me. NO SEX EVER.” I texted back. I just love using capital letters. I’m obnoxious like that.

“Well, my wife offered and then felt ‘too tired’ when it was time for bed.”

“Ah, the catch and release. Classic,” I answered.

Having been married for over two decades, what was even more astounding was that I had NEVER even heard of ABC sex. Our dead bedroom was beyond the reach of ABC sex. So, that lure of three times a year seemed actually quite lovely in comparison with nothing.

Did I emphasize NOTHING enough?

I read about Christmas sex on Reddit. That’s where I find all my sexual knowledge. Since there ain’t any happening in my “real” life.

I can only imagine the possible scenario with my hubby. “You want Christmas sex?” I’d ask suggestively after he pissed me off all day with his relatives, and I couldn’t even stand the sight of him anymore.

“What are you talking about?” he’d shout because he’d had too much to drink.

Nope. It was not happening.

“I’m going to bed,” he’d stomp off as usual.

The season of giving, harumph. A gift that never arrives is more like it.

“Every holiday should be a sex holiday,” if you are doing it right in my book. Mutual desire. Passion and longing. That only happens in affairs! Duh! Long-term marriages don’t precisely provoke passion. “Gifting” sex doesn’t work — at least in my union.

Does it work in yours, dear reader? Does anything work? Throw me a lifeline, peeps, because I’m shit out of luck.

My lover said, “I don’t even know why she (his wife) was tired. She didn’t do anything all day. ‘You want me to come to bed?’ I asked. What do you think she said?”

“Oh, I’ve heard this all before…a tale as old as time,” I chuckled. “Although you taught me a new term!”

Silly me, I thought the whole point of sex was doing it because you wanted it, not because of a specific day. It’s not an obligation or chore. It shouldn’t be an expectation. Or a non-event like my house.

Holiday sex is a thing. It was tragic that I didn’t even know. I’m making up for a decade in a dead bedroom now. It’s as much fucking as possible. More of “When can I see you?” and “Can you get away?” And, “I’ll make myself unbusy. Like STAT.”

I’ll cancel my appointments to schedule in some hot affair sex. Because I know that sex will deliver, never disappoint.

“I would love to see you!!!” is the correct answer.

So, ABC sex might not ever be on my horizon with my husband, but I’m making plans and checking them twice and going to see who is naughty and nice.

I’m always naughty, by the way. You guys should know that by now, lol. I’m so bad, I’m good.

Post-Christmas sex, here we cum.

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I hope you were amused…if so, be a Santa, baby…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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