Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold
Hey Wendy
My boyfriend doesn’t want to get married anymore. We’re 28 and have been together for 11 years.
It was love at first sight, but we lived four hours apart and that distance took a toll on our relationship. A few years in, I left my small town and went to live with him in the big city, but it was on-again-off-again. He proposed but took the ring back 11 days later.
We are together now, and we recently moved a thousand miles away from everyone/everything we know, so he could pursue his career. Now he tells me he never wants to get married or have kids. I am fine with it, I guess. Is it normal for a guy to change his mind like that? He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am confused.
Yolanda S.
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Hey Yolanda,
I’m sure it feels like you two have been together for…ever! However, in your twenties, it’s totally normal to still be figuring out what’s right for the rest of your life. If pinning down a lifetime promise is proving tricky for him, it’s understandable.
Since he actually said the words, “I never want to be married or have children,” I’d like you to believe him.
Please don’t think that when he loves you more (or more time passes) things will change. I know plenty of good women who have burned through years if not decades waiting for that tide to turn.
Some people opt out of marriage because they believe the institution is flawed (if not broken), but that belief has to do with the institution of marriage; it has nothing to do with their capacity and willingness to commit and be dedicated to a partnership.
And having children…boy, I sure wish more folks took the time to consider whether they wanted children or not. Or if they’d be any good at that multi-decade commitment. Instead, what’s normal is to blindly follow the old societal narrative: Grow up, get married, get a dog, have children, buy a house with a white picket fence, etc. Making a discerning, conscious choice before taking such a monumental and irrevocable step can be life-saving. And hey, that narrative is a lovely option, if you both choose it.
You say he doesn’t want to be married or have children, and that you’re fine with that, you guess…
Really?
Hey, guess what?
I don’t want you to guess.
I want you to know.
I mean really know.
In your heart of hearts, know.
So, if you can, take some time (away from your partner if possible) and think about this: If you had it all your way, what would your life look like?
Pretend for just a moment that you never met him — just for the sake of this exercise.
Would you enjoy a lifestyle that doesn’t involve marriage or children?
Imagine you are in a happy, fulfilling lifetime partnership where you are empowered, adored, loved and you feel safe.
What does that look like?
Does it look like the partnership you’re in now?
If not, what do you need from your partner to make that dream come true?
If this seems daunting to do on your own, grab my DIY workshop Partner Have-to-Haves. I walk you through a series of questions that help uncover what you want, need, and desire. You learn what’s really important for your life. It’s $37 bucks, what do you got to lose?
Deep dive or no, look to see, where is your bottom line for “yes, this is enough”? Find it? Now look below that line to see what might make you feel resentful, hurt, or regretful in the future.
Does what you’re signing up for with him give you all you hope for?
If it falls short, does it at least fall above the line of enough?
If yes, yay! If not, don’t settle for less than what you need. Negotiating and having some uncomfortable conversations is worth doing — this is your life we’re talking about.
Good luck!
Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 70,000+ women internationally.
Send a question to this column via email: [email protected]
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Previously Published on medium
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