Everyone hopes to meet their soul mate, the one specially made for them. But life doesn’t always turn out that way. Sometimes you are dating someone who checks off all your boxes. Yet, you don’t check off theirs. Here’s how to tell if you’re the option.
They invite and uninvite
You make plans with them for dinner on a Saturday night. You’ve told all your friends about it, and already know what you’ll be wearing. Yet by Saturday morning you’re still waiting for the details. They haven’t told you where you’re going, or what time they’re picking you up.
A few hours before you’re supposed to go out, they call and say they have to cancel because something else came up.
No, it wasn’t a dire emergency. Nobody died, and they’re not sick. An old friend dropped into town, their friend needed them, or they have too much work on their plate.
And they don’t reschedule. They’re vague about everything.
Another thing they love to do is to call you at the last minute because someone else canceled on them. Sometimes they’ll even be brazen enough to tell you that.
They don’t seem excited to see you
I once bought expensive tickets to an event and invited the guy I liked. He kept hedging about it, insisting he thought he had other plans that weekend. (It was months in advance.)
Every time I brought it up, he made an excuse. I finally got the hint and invited someone else, who couldn’t wait to go out with me. That was an expensive lesson — one I will never repeat.
When someone isn’t excited to see you, it’s a warning sign. If they don’t try to fit time with you in, that is a red flag. If they care, they’ll find a way to make it work.
You’ll know when you walk into a room and their eyes don’t light up. You’re someone they know, not someone who rocks their world.
They talk about other people
Whenever you’re out with them, they’ll talk about other women or men they like. They’ll mention that person more than once in a conversation.
When the server takes your order, they’ll spend more time chatting with them than you. They’ll talk about everything else but the food. You’ll start to feel like the third wheel.
They’ll compare you with their ex, and talk about them constantly. That’s because their mind is on the ex they lost, and not you.
They’re always distracted
There is nothing more annoying than being out with someone who is staring at their phone all night — and smiling. They are giving that phone more love than you.
They’re shooting texts all night, and ask you to repeat yourself because they didn’t hear a word you said.
They excuse themselves to answer a phone call and leave you sitting alone at a table.
You could be out on a date at the most beautiful restaurant, and their buddies will stop in. “Sit with us,” they’ll say, and have them pull up chairs. Then they’ll spend the whole night talking with their friends, and ignoring you.
They end the evening early
When someone keeps seeing you as an option, they don’t care about your happiness, it’s all about them.
When the date is over, they’ll end it on their terms. That means, they’ll go home early, even if it’s New Year’s Eve. They don’t care that they disappointed you. It’s all about them.
They’ll give you crumbs of attention, to keep stringing you along.
They’re hot and cold
When someone isn’t into you enough, they’ll be hot and cold with you. You’ll spend a fun day together, and the moment you think that they’re starting to feel the same way, they’ll back off.
You’ll wonder what happened. You’ll wonder what you did wrong. The pain will be unbearable.
You did nothing wrong at all. They got busy with people that were more interesting to them than you. They gave you enough attention to keep you waiting in the wings. After all, they may get bored in a week or two, and need someone to go out with.
In the worst-case scenario, they met someone else they’re enthralled with and backed off from you.
When you’re the option, it never ends well.
They want to go out in groups
If someone considers you an option, don’t try to deepen the relationship. They’ll get spooked and disappear.
After that, they’ll refuse to see you, unless you are in a group with them, or another friend tags along. They won’t want you to get the wrong idea that you are anyone special to them. So if you notice friends are always stopping by when you’re alone with them, that’s a red flag.
They only want to see you at night
A friend of mine loved the guy she was seeing. They spent many evenings together. The problem was that no one else ever met him.
He only wanted to see her at night. He’d come over, they’d have a romantic evening and then he’d go home. They had a lot of passion for each other, but that was it. He only wanted a booty call.
After a lot of tears, she let him go. She’s now married to someone else who loves and values her.
They never call you their girlfriend/boyfriend
If you’ve been dating for more than a few months, and they don’t call you their boyfriend or girlfriend — believe them.
They don’t consider you important enough to make that distinction. You are the option, the placeholder until someone they really want comes along.
If someone’s not that interested, they’ll never give you that special title. They’ll tell their friends that you’re only a friend. They’ll say they know you from work, school, or a church they attend. They’ll never admit you are more than that — because to them, you’re not.
It’s time to snap out of it
There comes a time, when you realize that you’re too valuable to be wasting your time in a situationship like this. You realize that no matter how much you love this person, the relationship is going nowhere.
Why waste your precious time seeing someone on their terms, and being a space-filler?
If you let go, you may find the love of your life as my friend did. She’s so happy now, and the other guy is long forgotten.
If you want to keep seeing them, and you’re okay being their option, then continue as before. But we both know you deserve better than that.
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Previously Published on medium
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