Where Did That Come From?

Have you ever sat there, and had someone ask you heartfelt questions, which helped you process something you didn’t even know you had as a problem? Those are the best and sometimes the scariest experiences. You never know how far you have to go until you realize how far you have come.

The phone call

My coach and I talked for about 1.5 hours. The call entailed talking about three areas: Health, Relationships, and Career/Financial areas. All of the three areas are hot spots for most people, if they take the time to think about them.

Each one revealed another layer of myself I needed to bring more attention too, and less to stress about. If I had to choose one area of the three to focus on, relationships hit the spot. My realization that I cannot under any circumstances change what my partner does or does not do, whether I like it or not. Acceptance, understanding, and clarification help me in this area.

I was asked, “If your relationships were stronger, resilient, and at peace, how would you feel?” My response, “I would feel lighter, less stressed, and by all means my energy would rise.”

The next question led the direction of all three by helping me recognize how much stress the relationship puts on me and how my health is affected when I am not processing, and releasing things beyond my control.

As we continued, another question was brought up: “What are a couple areas you know you hold as deep beliefs, conditioned from your life time of experiences?” I thought for a few moments and I was led down a rabbit trail of interesting concepts.

First, I considered my perfectionistic side, where I joke I am in recovery. Internally, I know I am still a work in progress.

From perfectionism, I shifted into holding onto to things, even when they do not serve me any further: like unhealthy relationships from my past, and jobs that I have outgrown, or mindsets that create more issues.

Dr. Paul Hewitt, a practicing psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia stated, “People will make that claim, and they’ll just ignore the fairly large literature that says that it’s a vulnerability factor for unipolar depression, anorexia and suicide.”

You see, I have experienced every single one of those problems: depression, anorexia, and attempted suicide as a teen.

When I considered how much pressure I put on myself with perfectionism, I realized I did myself a disservice, and at the same time, I also realized where this came from in my lifetime.

. . .

Imagination and my story

I closed my eyes, at the request of the coach, and looked back at my life to see where some of my first moments of perfectionism showed up. Immediately I was a little girl, about 4th grade, sitting on the floor of my room, surrounded by pieces of paper where I had captured the images of my classmate’s faces. I drew them from my memory and sat there, listening to the TV down the hall blaring news of Elvis’ Presley’s death.

I remember sitting there, my knees held by my arms, as tears streamed down my face. I felt such a loss for the favored star of many shows I had enjoyed. I knew at that point I did not want to do anything stupid, I didn’t want to get into trouble, and I didn’t want to trust anyone to do anything. I would take on life and do what I needed. I didn’t need anyone.

When and why this memory came up surprised me.

The coach asked what was I feeling then, and I said, a profound sense of sadness. The realization was how I buried sadness under perfection, until sadness engulfed me and depression gripped my soul.

Myself, depression, and freedom

As I worked through depression the past few years I did so with a therapist, and my doctor for the past 5 years. Six months ago, I slowly tapered off Lexapro. My body went through an uncomfortable shift. Exhausted and tired from the changes, I vowed to stay the course and stop the medication. I wanted to remove anything that I did not need baring heart medication. Soon, I removed Cyclobenzaprine, and had even more uncomfortable side effects.

I had enough of the medication maze.

Where does my medication and my ah-ha moment merge? I realized I took ownership of my emotions the day I chose to let go of medication.

It was okay to feel. It is okay to feel. Present or past, our feelings are like the clouds in the sky, they come and go, and when we accept that, we are free. ~PJN

Whether it was sadness, happiness, frustration, annoyance, or joy, I wanted to feel them all, and accept them as they move on through my mind. In the past, perfectionism would promise no sadness and complete accomplishment and acceptance. With the lie I listened to, I became stuck in my mind. Medication helped me slow my thinking to a snail’s pace. Not to mention, it removed feelings so I was more of a flat-lined emotionless human.

Now, I am a passionate, enthusiastic person who really does know what she wants, and thrives with the energy to get things accomplished. Being accomplished is not the same as perfectionism. It can blur and blend, however, if you are aware of allowing life to happend, mistakes and all, perfectionism doesn’t set deep roots. One of the concerns I notices was how the medication took away part of my zeal and I ended up barely getting through. Once I took away the medication, and I was a zombie minus any brain-for-dinner. I decided to go through the experience, with extra kindness to myself.

. . .

This relates how?

How does all of this come back to my childhood? When I was sad as a little girl, I didn’t know all the sources of my pain. As I am now, I have full awareness of my childhood, and adult experiences, which triggered a world of pain.

The striving I did for so long was part of a scheme to cover of insecurities and carry onward. In reality, I survived doing what I could do with what I knew.

The coaching session awakened my understanding and I gave myself compassion for the journey I was on. I am healing inside my mind, body, and soul as I go along. It’s not a perfect journey; it is just right for me.

. . .

Another level up

As I seek to keep my mind clear, I continue to find another level to peel back. My life is like an onion. Every time I level up I shift my paradigm and go up again. If I stop any forward motion, I know its moments before I sink back down into the abyss of my depression.

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After all, depression lives in our thoughts. What we think, we become. The pain we hold inside and the constant negative thought processes we hold and ruminate upon, build up until we have thought ourselves into a deep, dark hole. Am I talking about all depression?

No, I can’t speak for anyone else, and I am not a medical doctor nor a psychiatrist. I speak for my journey and my survival. My experience is rich with insight and knowledge I gained by study, curiosity, and a deep dive into my past. The past I dove into, isn’t a spiral experience., where life feels darker and more dismal as I head to the deepest part of my past. Instead, it is more of a swamp journey.

“In Jungian circles, shame is often referred to as the swampland of the soul. I’m not suggesting that we wade out into the swamp and set up camp. I’ve done that and I can tell you that the swampland of the soul is an important place to visit, but you would not want to live there.

What I’m proposing is that we learn how to wade through it. We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp.

And, most important, we need to learn why constantly trying to maintain our footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other side of the swamp — where our worthiness waits for us — is much harder work than trudging across.” ― Brené Brown.

How valuable it is to know we can put on those galoshes and wade out far enough to look at what we need to work on, and then get the heck out of the swamp. We go there, long enough to process what we need, and like Brené shared, we can look back to move forward.

As you think about the words above, and understand my story, maybe you have identified something inside that resonates. I know we cannot change yesterday, and we have the power to accept and shift today, so the future, which is not yet here, may be something abundantly beautiful.

Every day is an opportunity to look at our life and choose, which way we want to go. I am reminded how no one can make you think or feel anything without your permission. That’s a super power we hold. Thank you for joining me on a small jaunt into my past, my present, and I will share my future as it unfolds.

~Just a thought by Pamela

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This post was previously published on Change Your Mind Change Your Life.

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