My introduction to the secret lives of men came from watching my father. I think I was around three or four years old when my observations expanded beyond myself and began to consider the behavior of others. I watched as he foamed his face like Santa Claus when it was time to shave, be master chef and don an apron when making breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the family, and be tender and loving to my mother, sister, and me. My father’s humility and loyalty shaped my thoughts and ideologies of how to treat others and what I should look for and expect from a man. He taught me–-from a girl’s innocent eyes—that men are supposed to be strong, provide for his family through thick and thin, forsake themselves for the greater good, and rarely show any emotion beyond happiness.
As a woman, I held on to those beliefs and expectations of men for a long time and I felt that my father was the epitome of whom a man should be and how they should behave. Those theories, perceptions, and assumptions have greatly shifted over time. Through conversations with men, girlfriends, associates, and coworkers, I learned that men are not rigidly simple as society chooses to define them and their soul is not dormant. Men are multifaceted individuals who are responsible, and their extensive depth and character extend beyond smiling and providing for the needs of others.
Men want to have successful lives and relationships and they feel disappointed if professional and personal aspirations are unmet.
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There are myriad ways to define what and who men are, yet the self-narrative of a man’s path and sense of being—aside from the external expectations of them—is absent. The complexities go well beyond the worldly ideal and it’s a given that parental guidance, discipline, and environmental factors are vital to who we become. However, the notion that men lack depth and are apathetic conquerors who despise consistency, is absurd. Men want to have successful lives and relationships and they feel disappointed if professional and personal aspirations are unmet. It is unfortunate that they are unlikely to have or seek a strong support system and may battle the rejection alone.
Men learn at an early age to be stoic and that sharing feelings, being open and vulnerable, and anything beyond a fist bump and distant hug/pat on the back greeting are unacceptable oddities that question the “manliness” of the giver and receiver. With respect to exhibiting affectionate and loving behavior, there’s a double standard when it comes to men versus women: Although men want and need to feel connected emotionally just as much as women do, they may not verbalize its importance and may immediately shut down if they feel discouraged. Men perceive feminine vulnerability as a requisite to the progression of the relationship. It’s sexy, endearing, and confirmation that she desires him; women may perceive masculine vulnerability as unappealing, caustic, and a reason to leave the relationship because he’s emotionally soft, not “manly” enough to sustain the relationship and handle her as she may feel that he is weak and be easily controlled by her.
A male-driven support system or professional care alternative to assist men to navigate life changes is also tantamount to feeling grounded and connected.
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Authentic communication and trust are important aspects of personal growth and vital to mental health and socialization. Submission and vulnerability are counterparts of the same equation and is a key component of love, and friendship. A strong, healthy relationship can provide men with a foundation, release, and relief and can be the link between uncertainty and confidence. A male-driven support system or professional care alternative to assist men to navigate life changes is also tantamount to feeling grounded and connected. Unfortunately, if his spouse lacks respect for him, he may receive patronizing, or derisive words that shoot him down instead of building him up. It’s counterproductive and unacceptable to say “buck up,” “man up,” “don’t be a pussy,” or “you’re a loser” to a man who has lost his job or suffers some other loss that affects his person. Verbal assaults can be as damaging as physical assaults; a woman can build a man up and tear him down, all in one fell swoop. Feelings of inadequacy may be evident and normal, and although it is imperative to allow men to grieve and move through this space, often there are no exceptions or latitude. If there are no male connections to share life’s challenges, or if there are but the relationship/friendship does not touch or reach the deeper levels of existence, men will smother, squash their feelings and suffer in silence.
Once the family breaks, men are usually the ones who have to relinquish their share of material wealth and parental rights through a court system that may not consider all the facts but instead, rests its decisions solely on the premise of gender.
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There’s a fine line between valor and man-eating. Subtle biases and discriminate overtures against men can undercut and undermine their ability to find and maintain their independence, keep their family intact and thriving, while engaging in demanding or dangerous careers that often take them away from home for long periods. Once the family breaks, men are usually the ones who have to relinquish their share of material wealth and parental rights through a court system that may not consider all the facts but instead, rests its decisions solely on the premise of gender: Women are the nurturers and men are incapable of nurturing beyond monetary support and assistance. Divorce is difficult and losing the day to day, parent to child affection, communication, and closeness are difficult to navigate, at best; the ensuing emotional intensity can result in mental anguish. The constant exposure to external stressors affects the life expectancy of men more than that of women. Violent outbursts against their peers or loved ones, drug and/or alcohol abuse, or suicide are tacit resolutions to the perceived incurable problems facing men who may feel that the deck is stacked against them. It is not to say that personal responsibility is irrelevant; rather, the idea that men are inept and incapable forces men to live on the perimeter of society, grasping for air and validation.
Stereotyping, ignorance, and the diminished significance of men in society and their families, and the push-pull/catch 22 scenario where strength and persistence is neither valiant or valuable to the man’s true identity is real. It’s a sobering fact that men are not encouraged to emote but that suppression, substance abuse, or violence are acceptable ways to handle uncertainty, sadness, or aggression, although not without consequences.
Men are human, flesh-and-bone, cut-and-bleed humans who feel. They desire acceptance. While they have performed mundane to great acts of bravery and kindness, they are not (super) heroes.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Lucky you. I had a Father who was a “beater” for any simpe infraction — my Mother never intervened — he never hit her. Soon as earned my own money I walked out of the house and never returned. My Mother & father visited with me when I married and he tried to hold my baby — he was partly drunk (if that is possible). I told him “NO.” He immdiately grabbed my Mother & they left. Did not see her again (when he was out of the house) for 2 years and I had a car — they lived… Read more »
Irma, I love what you wrote but … You started out by describing your dad “My father’s humility and loyalty shaped my thoughts and ideologies of how to treat others and what I should look for and expect from a man. He taught me–-from a girl’s innocent eyes—that men are supposed to be strong, provide for his family through thick and thin, forsake themselves for the greater good, and rarely show any emotion beyond happiness.” My dad taught me from a guys innocent eyes the exact same thing My problem is that the some people would take this as a… Read more »
Even the traditional role of men in the family as provider is indicative of the disposable type of men. It leads to men being denied custody / visitation essentially being thrown away by the family Court system. Exemplified in chivalry by men being expected to pay for dates.
I rarely give any credence to a woman’s point of view regarding men and how they should feel or act. I feel this way due to the abuse my daughter and I had to live through with my now ex. However I stand and applaud you Irma for speaking the truth of all I have been feeling. A man is verbally abused and disrespected by his wife at every turn until he feels he has lost complete control of his life. The Father is disrespected on every TV show, on clothing, on the radio and if this disrespect also comes… Read more »
The Father is disrespected on every TV show, on clothing, on the radio and if this disrespect also comes from the wife, what message is the woman teaching the children? She is teaching the child that the father, ALL men are worthless and so the degradation of the family unit has begun. Not to mention the affect such behavior has on any sons. Men are constantly bombarded with how they owe it to their daughters to be the example of how a man treats a women. But it seems no one bothered to question what kind of example mothers are… Read more »
A wonderful article Irma, that describes very closely to the dual nature of a man going on inside himself. And coming from a woman makes it even better. I hope more women get this. No, womem aren’t here to heal or fix a man. But if she can just get out of the way of her own stereotypical expectation of a man it will go along way towards allowing him to express himself alot better, and hopefully come closer to having a more fulfilling relationship. I wish I and my ex wife could have read this 20 years ago. Might… Read more »
Men are trained from childhood to tamp down their emotions, to be brave in the face of danger, and to be willing to use force if required…so they will be willing to throw their lives away in other people’s wars. That is the true ‘disposability’ of men. Young men join the army or ISIS or whichever group seems to give them purpose and let them claim their manhood, but in reality rulers need cannon fodder, and the best way to obtain it is to convince the children of others to sacrifice themselves.
Sistah, thank you for speaking my heart as if it were your own. If only half of women in this society were as transparent and discerning as you are, not only would the world be a better place but our marriages and relationships will thrive that much greater. God bless your soul and have a blessed day.
Irma, that was beautifully explained with such a depth of compassion and understanding. It made me cry when I think of my own dad and wonder how he silently suffered all while supporting us thru my sister’s suicide, his alcoholism, my anger, his relationship with my mom-his wife. It was a tough life and I grieve for him, for mom, and for me with many losses. And my ex husband. Thank you for the enlightenment.
Spot on Irma. No one (M/F) could say it any better. Ironically the more a man walks the line between Yin and Yang, and the more available, vulnerable and giving he is willing to be (in counterpoint) the more egregiously he is likely to suffer. Alas, This only perpetuates the male-dominant machismo epidemic and strengthens the prevalent stereotypes, strengthening a ‘justice’ system that has gone far off the rails, undermining the integrity it purports to strive for, and inordinately punishing those who dare to be there exception. I have lived this firsthand in my relations and experience it weekly in… Read more »
True dat!!!!!
I appreciate everyone’s feedback regarding my article. Sometimes men and women are perceived as weak and easily manipulated because they show or exhibit vulnerability, as opposed to viewing it as a gift – not a weakness. We are conditioned to believe that confidence is appealing; however it can be taken too far when we feel superior and discount, deride, or disregard the feelings or opinions of another – man or woman.
Yeah, but it’s not women’s job to fix men or be their nursemaids. The female archetype (of nurturing) needs to be incorporated into men’s own psyches. Until they can access that part of themselves, which has admittedly been beaten down since childhood, they will never heal.
While it may not be women’s job to fix men, it also not their job, nor their right to tear them down nor treat them as disposable sources of protection, labor, and money. When women stop demanding through their words or actions that men live up to the image of the strong, unbendable macho-man, only then will men feel free enough to allow themselves to incorporate the nurturing side of themselves into their everyday lives.
You got that right, Keith!