Relationships are one of the most difficult and defining aspects of life. Humans have been struggling to maintain successful relationships since the dawn of time, but are we really doing everything possible to make sure they succeed? Do you know what it takes for a relationship to last?
There are many reasons relationships fail. Relationships that fail often result from lactation problems, lack of respect, differences in priorities, little intimacy, and loss of trust. But today I am mentioning the psychological reasons behind 99% of failed relationships.
Poor Communication
Your communication becomes transactional if you limit your conversations to the children’s schedules and chores for the weekend. Healthy communication should cover many topics.
It’s counterintuitive to say that a couple boasts they don’t argue, but it is not. This is often an indication that both are conflict-avoidant. They don’t want to cause trouble or raise difficult issues.
In a recent study, scientists examined a communication style between couples called the demand/withdrawal. This happens when one person demands or nags for something while the other person pulls away.
This study showed that with increased financial distress, this demand/withdrawal style also increased. It was also associated with lower marital satisfaction. Surprisingly, however, was the surprising finding that appreciation and gratitude were more common in couples who overcame communication difficulties.
Lack of Respect
Couples can disagree on many issues. However, financial issues are often the source of contention. One person might be a spender, while the other is a saver. It’s not that they see saving and spending in opposite ways. The problem lies more with how they approach money discussions.
It is important to know how your partner treats you when there is a dispute over money or other issues. Is your partner respectful? Are they joking with you? Do they make fun of you, or do you feel like you are being treated with contempt by your partner? These are indicators of disrespect for each other.
John Gottman is a well-known psychologist who has studied the effects of contempt on relationships. He believes that contempt is also the greatest predictor of divorce.
There is not enough sexuality and intimacy
Oxytocin can sometimes be called the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical.” When we touch, hug, kiss, and show affection to another person, our bodies release the hormone oxytocin. An increase in oxytocin can also be associated with lower levels of stress and higher feelings of happiness.
Relationships can deteriorate when couples don’t touch much. This is often caused by communication styles that aren’t intimate or close.
Sometimes relationships can become strained when your partner doesn’t want to have sex.
It is important to have sex with your partner. A recent study found that the average adult has sex at least once per week. There are many benefits to having more sex. These benefits include psychological, emotional, and physical.
Different Life Goals
You may have different long-term goals. It can be frustrating to discover that your partner has different dreams and goals than yours if you don’t take the time to talk about them.
You may decide to pursue a career in the city and continue your ambitions for five more years. Your partner may be ready to move out of the city next year to start a family.
Different goals don’t necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed. It’s possible, for example, that your goals could influence the goals of the person with whom you are in a relationship.
A new study in The Journals of Gerontology examined the interdependence of partners’ goals. It involved 450 couples.
This could help to keep the relationship stable.
Don’t depend on the other for a solution. If one person wants children and the other does not, or wants to be a digital nomad while the other wants to stay in his hometown until the end, it isn’t the right match. You might find a better match.
Different Relationship Goals
Sometimes, you might have different priorities in a relationship. After a month of dating, a newly widowed person may want to go on a trip and have a no-strings-attached relationship. However, you might be ready to introduce your loved ones to your new love during the holidays and take a more serious approach.
Loss of trust
A feeling of security is one of the most important foundational feelings in a healthy relationship. Lose your trust if you are lacking emotional support or your partner is unreliable.
There are reasons to be concerned if your partner is difficult or vague to identify. Relationships built on mistrust can be unstable.
Lying
Let’s suppose you discover that your partner has lied to you. Lies can have devastating consequences. Did it happen as a white lie, or was it to protect the one who lied? While white lies are usually minor or inconsequential, true lies can have profound effects.
Possessiveness
You might be living with someone who is too possessive. Ask yourself: “Does this sound healthy?” Is your partner constantly checking up on you, or is he separating you from your friends?
These are not signs that someone trusts you. Remember that this isn’t a healthy relationship at all.
Jealousy
A small amount of jealousy can be a healthy sign you aren’t taking your partner for granted. But someone is super possessive to show pathological jealousy, these are red flags.
Infidelity
You might feel that your relationship is at risk if you suspect your partner has been unfaithful. This person might be a risk to your trust. Is this person really who they say they are?
Relationships that are based on trustlessness, infidelity, jealousy, or lying will not last.
There is a difference in priorities
Your relationship could be at risk if you discover that the person you are dating or someone you have been with for some time has very different life goals or relationship needs than you.
What Makes a Relationship Last?
Brian Ogolsky was Associate Professor, Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign and Director of Graduate Studies. He analyzed over 1,100 studies about romantic relationships. He identified positive strategies that helped to preserve partnerships in his research.
He discovered one thing that could prevent couples from splitting up, and that can be found in great relationships: partners who hold their partners in high regard, to begin with. These partners were able to manage conflict well and gave their partners the benefit of the doubt. The opposite is true in unsatisfactory relationships.
Words for you
For many reasons, relationships don’t last. Trust, communication, respect, and intimacy are key factors in a relationship’s demise. Although no relationship is perfect, it’s possible to see the value in reevaluating your relationship if the hard times outweigh the good. For additional support, you might consider contacting a couple’s therapist if you and your partner are serious about making the relationship work.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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