Why Are Spouses Jealous of Their Dogs?

They’re both staring at me from the computer screen. Charlie the dog is sitting right between them. Ian keeps complaining that his wife, Rebecca, isn’t enjoying him: She barely asks him questions, doesn’t touch him, and isn’t initiating sex with him.

As Ian speaks, Rebecca is somewhat defensive but is stroking Charlie. Lovingly. Absentmindedly. Ian glares at the dog with a mix of contempt and defeat. I’ve seen this scene too many times before.

So I take a risk. “Ian,” I ask, “are you… jealous of Charlie?”

He looks startled. Blushes. Laughs. And then quietly admits, “Yes, I am.” Rebecca bursts into surprised laughter, still stroking Charlie.

“Rebecca, do you tickle, cuddle, and play with Ian like you do with Charlie?” She freezes. Then slowly stops petting the dog. She thinks. And then replies, more serious now: “Actually, no.” (Charlie jumps off the couch and walks away.)

She turns to Ian, wide-eyed: “Is that why you hate Charlie so much? You’re jealous!” Ian shifts uncomfortably, breathes deeply, and then says, “Well, I never thought about it. Maybe. (Pause) Yes.”

He continues, voice soft: “You used to kiss me, hug me, jump on me when I got home from work. Now you barely leave your office when I come in.”

Rebecca turns to him and touches his arm. For the first time, they meet the truth. How did Ian and Rebecca get here?

Why is your dog getting more affection than you are?

The honest answer: Because your dog might be treating your partner better than you do.

Before you roll your eyes — hear me out. Your dog is doing a few simple things very right. Are you?

• He lights up when your partner walks in. He greets your partner with tail wags and warm energy.
  Do you still greet and treat your partner as the best part of your day, or as just another task to manage?
• He’s playful. He chases, flops, flirts. He doesn’t take your partner too seriously, he enjoys them. Play is the lubricant of relationships; without it, they grow cold and stale.
  When was the last time you were silly together, without an agenda?
• He shows constant appreciation. Whether it’s a lick, a lean, or just being by their side, he makes your partner feel wanted. There are two types of attention: Positive attention includes kind words, touch, kisses, and compliments. Negative attention includes complaints, sarcasm, cynicism, yelling, and passive-aggressive behavior. Ian was a master at giving and receiving negative attention, not realizing that he was craving the positive attention Charlie was getting.
  Which kind of attention do you offer more frequently? Do you make your mate feel seen and valued-or just expected?
• He gives more than he takes. No guilt trips. No keeping score.
  Are you giving love freely or only when you’re getting something in return?

It might sound strange, but your dog could be showing you exactly how to reconnect, no bark required.

Back in the session.

“Rebecca, is it easier for you to be playful with Charlie or with Ian?”

“With Charlie, of course,” Rebecca laughs.

“Are you saying I should treat Ian like I treat Charlie?” she asks, half amused.

“As a start, yes!” I reply. “Why not give him a little scratch right now?”

She pauses. Then leans over, rubs Ian’s chest, tousles his bald head, scratches his beard, and coos:

“I love you, my cute-cute Ian.”

Ian bursts out laughing. He giggles. He opens. The atmosphere in the room softens. They lock eyes. Charlie looks confused.

As we kept talking, it became clear: Rebecca was outsourcing her affection to Charlie because the space between her and Ian had become too tense and negative. Ian’s cold, critical behavior sent her toward the safer lover in the house, good ol’ Charlie. Charlie had become the Third in their relationship: a source of joy and connection that lived outside the marriage. Instead of welcoming and leveraging this Third to reconnect, Ian poked, jabbed, and resented it. He guilted Rebecca for showing affection to Charlie instead of learning from it.

But jealousy is a map for what we really want. If Ian realized that his jealousy was actually a longing for connection, he could choose to drop the resentment, choose vulnerability, and invest more in his marriage to receive more touch, tenderness, play, and affection from his wife.

So now, both of them had work to do. Ian needs to start being more positive, loving, proactive, soft, and caring toward his wife. He must learn to verbalize his inner world (“into-me-see”) because vulnerability is the crucial ability in every relationship. He’ll have to start sharing his desires, wants, and fears while simultaneously being attuned to her needs.

Rebecca needs to risk being silly and affectionate with Ian the way she effortlessly is with her dog. This wasn’t a simple task, as they had been distant for a while. Being playful requires equal amounts of vulnerability and courage, to let down your guard and be silly.

“But how do I start?” she asked, hesitantly. “Should I just treat him like I treat Charlie?” I smiled.

“Let’s imagine Ian is wearing little dog ears. When you feel that burst of love, just rub his head, pounce with a hug, or do something spontaneous. And see what happens.” Ian smiled and seemed excited at my offer, whispering to himself, “I wish”. Rebecca was surprised by his enthusiastic reaction and said she’ll try. The session ended.

I’m not suggesting your partner is a dog or that you should treat them like one. But if you engage with them with the same love, liveliness, and generous spirit you offer your favorite creature, you might just find yourselves wagging through the rough patches.

Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.