Why Are We Sexually Out of Sync?

Hi Doc,

I’ve been married to the love of my life for over a decade now. He is by far the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s my favorite person in the world, and I absolutely love the life we have together.

But the sex, in a word, sucks.

And I just don’t get it. And it’s not that I’m not attracted to him. Far from it. Plus his dick is, shall we say, bigger than average. He is invested in wanting me to enjoy myself because, to him, it’s a big way of showing intimacy and his love for me. And he is so attracted to me that I don’t have to do anything for him to get turned on by me. Literally, I won’t even be making eye contact, and somehow I’ve made him aroused.

So why, most of the time, is sex completely unfulfilling? A lot of the time it barely feels like anything. There is one position where I can get off most of the time, but it takes so much effort and concentration to get there, it isn’t worth it. Touches and gestures that used to work when we were first together don’t seem to get turned on anymore. I do have a couple toys I use, and I do admit there is one way of using one and snuggling that I relatively enjoy. However, more often than not, it feels like what he likes and the limited knowledge of what I like are really different, and it, at least to me, makes things just kind of awkward as a result. Like, he’s crazy into nipple play. I’m not. I don’t want to give that up because of how much he likes it, but I’m left feeling weird as a result. Even that position that I like is often marred with the expectation that I have to get off in order for my husband to be happy (as he gets off by me getting off).

And I don’t know what to do to make us more in sync. I know that, growing up with virginity virtue-signaling religion combined with sexual abuse/toxic ex’s did some damage. However, I’ve been to therapy, and, considering how long my husband and I have been together, I don’t get why it should still be a thing. I know a lot of people talk about “showing your partner what you like,” but never give any real instructions as to how to find out what I like, and, as mentioned, there’s no guarantee that it’s something that we both like together. I’ve tried to make a point to schedule times on the calendar to ensure intimacy, but it just makes it feel more like an obligation than it already does; something I am obliged to “get through” as part of my wifely obligations. So I’m stuck feeling like my body is broken, not responding to stimuli that it’s supposed to, and that I’m a bad wife because I’m not into sex like my husband wants. And then I feel guilty because I know he can feel that frustration too, and therefore isn’t getting to do as much something that he feels is the epitome of showing love to your partner.

So what can I do so that sex doesn’t have to feel like a source of failure on my part, and actually be the intimacy that my husband wants it to be?

Thanks for your time,

Out of Sync

OK, OOS, let’s hit something important right off the bat: you’re not “broken”. Broken would imply there’s something wrong with you. But what you describe isn’t that, it’s that what you’re currently doing isn’t doing the job of arousing you. Calling yourself “broken” implies that this is your fault, somehow when it’s really not.

Your body is your body and works how it works. How it’s “supposed” to work tends to be equated with “how other people think it should work” rather than “this just doesn’t work for me, but that does.”

This is a seemingly minor thing, but framing can be important; amongst other things, the way you frame a situation affects how empowered someone feels to advocate for their own interests and pleasure. If you frame this as “my body is broken”, you’re in a place where you feel like you’re required to apologize to others for the inconvenience of actually meeting your needs. On the other hand, being willing to say “this is just how I’m wired/what I need” puts you in the position to say “Look, if we’re gonna do X, I need A, B and F, in that order, to make it work.”

Think of it as the difference between cooking and baking. They seem similar from the outside, but in practice, they’re different disciplines. Arousal and orgasm for some people is cooking – recipes can serve as guidelines, but lots of folks will go off book, freestyle it, put their own twist on things and generally get to the same place in the end. For others, it’s like baking – you have to do this in a specific order, in a specific manner, for the precise amount of time or you just aren’t going to get the results you want. You may get something that’s kinda close but off in some fundamental way (insert “soggy bottom” joke here), or it may never come together at all and you’re left with a mess to clean up and also no scones.

Your husband’s a cook. You’re a baker. That’s all.

Being willing to own it and advocate for your needs and your pleasure is important, especially if you’re being made to feel bad (intentionally or not) because you aren’t “coming through” for others. And while I’m certain the abusive ex and sex-negative religious upbringing didn’t help, this mindset of apologizing vs. owning is a very gendered one. Believe me: as a general rule, guys have far less of a problem saying “OK, I’m going to need you to apply exactly this amount of pressure on this spot at minute 14 or else nothing is going to happen.”

Incidentally, your situation is a good example is where an obsession with getting one’s partner off can become a problem. When it becomes “I only get off when I get you off”, then that’s still ultimately about them and makes sex less about intimacy and pleasure and putting all the focus on orgasm and – importantly – their ability to give you one. And to be sure: I’m not blaming your husband for this; it’s just a dynamic that’s very easy to miss or fall into without meaning to, and end up making things harder. Some days a person isn’t gonna be able to get off for love nor money nor really good cheese; if one’s partner is all “I only get off by getting YOU off”, then this ends up putting pressure on the receiver to either force the issue or fake it.

Now with that in mind, what happened and what can you do about this? Especially when it seemed so easy at the start of things? Well, one of the things that changed is that you’re no longer in the honeymoon stage. When we’re in the beginning stages of a new relationship, we get hit with waves of dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin – the New Relationship Energy from being with a new partner. The novelty of the experience with a new partner, the excitement of discovery, mystery and fresh intimacy… these all can work to get you over the hump (er… as it were) in the early days.

But humans are nothing if not adaptable and we can get used to almost literally anything. So in time, when the novelty has faded and the excitement isn’t there to give you that extra boost… well, you’re back to your normal baseline and the things that were so very easy at the start suddenly… aren’t.

But if we don’t recognize that for what it is, it’s very easy to feel like something’s wrong. And even when we do, it’s not uncommon to feel like we’d done something wrong by not fighting or finding ways to keep that feeling going, even when hedonic adaptation is just part of the normal process. It’d be nice if we could all be Gomez getting all hot and bothered just because Morticia spoke French for the entirety of our relationships but hey, biology makes that a real challenge.

Now the good thing is, we may be adaptable, but we’re also creative and self-aware and consummate problem solvers. So we’re fully capable of finding new and novel solutions to all kinds of issues.

Let’s start with what we know: you can get off, you have things you enjoy and that will get you where you need to go. That gives us a starting point for figuring things out.

We also know that part of the issue is that you feel pressured about all of this and that is a well-known arousal killer. And part of this pressure seems to be this idea that you and your husband have to get off from the same things. That’s a nice idea in theory, but in practice, it ends up making things worse because it seems like what you need and what he needs are just too different. It even ends up creating the accidental dynamic that while your husband loves getting you off, it needs to be in a way that he enjoys.

(Again: I’m not blaming your husband for this. This is as much about how we’re all socialized around sex and sexual pleasure and how much it all focuses on male pleasure primarily. We all grow up swimming in this ocean and only recently learned what the word ‘water’ was.)

So what if, for a starter, we decouple what gets you off from what gets him off? He loves nipple play; you could take it or leave it, but you go with it because he’s so into it. Well, turnabout is fair play too; if something gets your motor running and it’s not his particular yum, that’s perfectly fine. Doing things just because your partner enjoys them, even if its not really your bag makes your partner feel appreciated and loved. And if you can get into a genuine groove of second-hand pleasure – “not my thing but Stuck In Synch LOVES it and that’s pretty damn hot” – then that works even better. Especially if it doesn’t put pressure on you to get off so he can.

So I think you can start by just letting yourself be a little selfish, here. The snuggle-and-toys works, or that specific position does the job for you? Cool, then that’s one thing you can do. Do it unapologetically. Let your pleasure be the focus of that moment instead of needing to hurry it up so you can get to him. Y’all can either take turns – “OK, first we do the thing I like and then I do the thing you like” – or you can trade days where one of you is the sole focus. Maybe he gets the odd days and you get the even ones. But on those days, that person gets the full attention, knowing that the other gets it next.

That could even get kinda hot, as you wind each other up over the course of the day about what you’re going to do to them later. There’re few things that heighten the intensity like antici…

…

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…pation.

Another thing to do, especially when paired with decoupling your pleasure from his, is to start exploring possibilities. Take some time where the two of you take your usual sexual routine off the table and go on a fuck safari, where you venture forth looking for new or forgotten techniques, positions or fantasies that’ll rotate the scroll-wheel for you.

Again: don’t worry about “what if I like this but he doesn’t” and instead focus on the third G of Dan Savage’s “Good, Giving and Game (For Anything, Within Reason)”. If it’s something that you enjoy that he can do but isn’t his favorite, then hey, let it go in the mix. Think of it this way: if it’s just ok to him or even not that thrilling but it doesn’t leave him crying in the shower or gives him the screaming abdabs, then that’s all to the good. “This leaves me feeling squicked out and violated” is very different from “just not my thing”. Letting this be entirely about you can not only be liberating, but it can let your husband get a bit more in touch with his service-top side in a way that feels less imposing or lady boner killing.

There’re a lot of places where you could start pulling ideas from, including classes at your local, pleasure-focused, independently owned sex-toy shop. However, you might also consider sourcing some ideas from erotica or female-focused porn. Yeah, most of what you’re going to find on PornHub or Brazzers is going to be bog-standard penis-focused, male-orgasm-prioritized stuff, but the fun thing about the Internet is that there’s a lot of porn out there that isn’t like that. Something amateur-supported like Make Love, Not Porn can often be a lot hotter than the professionally produced stuff. Or you might look at Crashpad, Lust Cinema, Good Vibrations After Dark or Lady Cheeky or Dane Jones. Hell, you might find inspiration from some of the spicier fan-fiction at An Archive of Our Own or good old fashioned literary smut on your Kindle. What matters is, does this turn you on or seem like something that might work for you? Cool, give it a try.

While you do this, however, don’t lose sight of the fact that what you need is just what you need. If, for example, you find that what you ultimately need is REALLY INTENSE direct clitoral stimulation, lean into that. There’re a lot of ways to incorporate vibrators into partnered sex, especially if you’re not entirely focused on either PIV or look-ma-no-hands unassisted orgasms. If what you need is a very specific pressure or a position and a certain amount of time, then do that, without shame or apology. Again, sex is as much about intimacy and connection as it is about orgasms. Being in tune with what your partner wants and needs and being willing to give it to them is a part of that, even if it means delaying your gratification until later. Also, the cultural narrative that says that the male orgasm is cutoff is just that: a narrative, not a Mandate From Fuck Heaven.

Hell, if you feel like really taking that service-top aspect in an interesting and kinky direction, you can even bring a soft-domme aspect to it all – “do a good job and you get a treat…”

But more than anything else: separate your pleasure and your needs from needing to ensure your husband gets his. You’re allowed to enjoy things for yourself. You both have a right to get off; it just doesn’t need to be at the same time, in the same way or even in the same session. Separating it out – you go first, then he goes or “today for you, tomorrow for me” can work just fine, as long as everyone feels like it’s roughly equal.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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