Why Can’t I Find Women Who Match My Passion?

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m an older guy, married for 23 years and divorced for ten, with a dating frustration. The issue is, I’m a big picture guy and I go for it, across a number of domains but mainly to do with existing sustainably on the only known habitable planet. There is this dramatic element and then a lot of energy expended – founding and leading companies, NGOs, university lecturing, writing an award winning novel, dedicating myself to my spiritual community, public speaking, etc… In my mind someone somewhere must find this hero’s journey (at least in my own mind) at least somewhat romantically interesting. It hasn’t worked out that way.

To be honest though, my level of interest in women that don’t at least get somewhat similarly motivated are not that interesting to me either. In fact, they are very rare, almost always in another relationship, or more generally at least 10 years older. The few times I have met somebody who was like – wow! – it wasn’t reciprocated. I don’t really want to go to this numb space where many people seem to be, but I also have a passionately romantic side that I don’t want to neglect. Any ideas on how to reconcile this?

Overachievers Anonymous

So I’ll be honest, OA, it took me a moment to try to figure out if the issue were women who didn’t have a passionate interest in you when you were interested in them, or if it were an issue of not meeting similarly motivated and accomplished women who were also interested in you.

Now, what I’m gathering is that you want to meet someone who matches your energy and intensity with the things that you’re passionate about, which is entirely reasonable. Things can feel unbalanced when you have a strong passion and drive and the other person isn’t as equally driven or ambitious or what-not as you.

But I wonder if part of the problem is in the differences in the way that passion and drive and ambition manifest for you and how it might manifest for others.

One of the things that I see folks run into is a tendency to assume that Their Way of Doing Things is The Way – that is, that they expect that because their passion for X is expressed by doing Y, someone who’s passionate about Z would be expressing it the same way. And in your case, that plays out by being very driven and outgoing, with multiple irons in the fire at all times, many different projects and goals and organizations.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is entirely fine. But it’s also very, for lack of a better term, socially coded as a masculine endeavor. That is: the hustle/grindset/always-be-closing energy is something that’s lionized in men… but frequently punished in women. Even in the far flung, post-Lean-In future of 2024, women who are too ambitious, too driven or too active are told that They Are Doing It Wrong and are passively and actively encouraged to dial it all back and maybe not take on sooooo much because it’s just not feminine and really they have other responsibilities that they’re supposed to be handling too. It’s a message that’s so ubiquitous in our culture that it’s easy to miss how many movies, TV shows, etc. have promoted the idea, subtly and less so, that Girl Boss types are annoying or undesirable or fundamentally unfulfilled.

(Granted, the whole ‘tradwife’ fetish – and it is a fetish, let’s be real – is entirely cool with that sort of energy… but only as long as it’s entirely devoted to female-coded activities like child-rearing, housekeeping and food prep. And only as long as everyone pointedly ignores that those women are actually running a media business, not being Suzie Frontier Homemaker)

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t women who say “fuck all that” and go ahead and pursue their ambitions in a similar manner as you do… but they tend to be thin on the ground and a lot of them tend to either be older (and thus have fewer fucks to give) or are already partnered. It’ll be easier to find folks who have similar energy, goals and drive when you’re looking in spaces similar to yours, especially if you look for people in management or facilitation – the folks who actually make shit happen. However, as I said: the odds of finding someone like that who is also age-appropriate and single is going to be a challenge.

However, this also doesn’t mean that women who aren’t as prolific aren’t equally driven or ambitious; it’s just that their ambition and drive doesn’t manifest the same way. I know, for example, a lot of women who are very ambitious, very prolific writers, who are just as driven and just as focused as you… but their drive and ambition is expressed differently; they’re frequently working a day job with its own responsibilities and then doing a functional third job as their own PR and marketing person on top of writing.

The same is often true of online content creators, where they seem to be doing only one thing, but who have to wear multiple hats – editor, researcher, writer, producer, customer service and community manager, etc. While a few have the finances to actually have staff, many are one-woman shows where they’re wearing many, many hats.

And all of this is frequently on top of having to, y’know, deal with the mundanities of life, from going to appointments, doing the grocery shopping, housekeeping, cooking and so on. Especially since most folks aren’t going to be able to outsource those responsibilities.

So it may be that there are more women who might meet your standards, but whose pursuit of their goals and ambitions don’t necessarily look like yours. It may help to broaden your perspective in terms of what sorts of ambition and drive you’re looking for. That might expand your particular dating pool somewhat.

Now another thing you may need to consider is… well, that list you just rattled off at the top of your letter. That’s… a lot. And don’t get me wrong, that is impressive and you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished and what you’re doing. However, it kind of sounds like you’re unsure why all these accomplishments aren’t bringing women to your door, and that honestly makes me think a little of The Last Unicorn, when Prince Lîr wondering why the Lady Amalthea isn’t impressed by all the great deeds he’s accomplished, the quests he’s completed, the unanswerable riddles he’s answered, curses he’s broken and dragons he’s killed. And the answer really came down to “Not everyone is going to be won over just because you did great deeds”. Not everyone wants to be a Power Couple after all.

Accomplishments are great, ambition is great… but you have to be able to connect with people on an emotional level if you want them to like you. It’s like I always say: nobody’s dating your resumé or your bank account. They’re dating you. If you aren’t actually reaching them emotionally, that relationship isn’t going to happen because while your accomplishments are great, they don’t give the same happy warm feeling of cuddling up under a blanket on the couch with your sweetie and watching your favorite movie together.

So while your very clearly a capable and accomplished person, it may well come down to the fact that those accomplishments – while something you should be proud of – simply aren’t going to carry the same weight or importance of knowing how to make someone feel good when they’re with you. And to be perfectly blunt: depending on if and how you’re sharing that you’ve done these things, it may be the focus on those accomplishments that is turning people off. It’s worth remembering that “great” can also be spelled G-R-A-T-E.

And then there’s the time and energy issue. I think even someone who is equally ambitious and as driven as you is going to look at that list and say “I don’t know if that’s someone who actually has time to date”. Even if a lot of that is in the past, rather than what you’re currently doing, that’s all stuff that takes up a lot of time and bandwidth, and there’re quite a few women who are going to wonder – not unreasonably – if you’re going to have the time or energy to give to a serious and committed relationship. And that’s before we get to whether they have the time or energy to give to a new relationship – especially if they are equally as accomplished and productive as you are.

Everything in life comes with a cost and that cost is time. There are only 24 hours in the day, and every thing you add to your life comes at the expense of something you’re already doing. So if you want to date and maintain a serious, committed and long-term relationship? You may have to either be very, very good at time management or be willing to let some things go in exchange for making room for others.

One thing I think that might help would be to talk to some female friends whose judgement you trust and get a vibe check from them. Ask them how you’re coming across, what kind of vibe you’re giving and whether you’re presenting yourself as a potential relationship partner or as though you’re looking for someone to network. Having an outside perspective, especially from women who know you, can be invaluable; it may well be that part of the problem is that you’re not sending the message that you’re looking for a relationship and to settle down.

It may also be worth asking if the passion and drive you’re looking for needs to look like yours or if you’re able to recognize it, value it and appreciate it if it’s expressed in different ways and in ways that aren’t necessarily as global or dramatic or grandiose as yours. Sometimes it really is a question of what is going to be a priority and what you’re willing to bend on. If you are going to need someone who’s drive matches yours and is expressed the same way, then you have to accept that this is going to reduce the pool of potential matches until it’s very, very small and you’ll have to be willing to accept being single for longer than you’d prefer as the price of entry.

It’s up to you in the end. Take some time, get that vibe check and do some self-exploring and see what is going to be most important for you.

Good luck.

***

Dear Dr. NerdLove, is there some amount of time where people should be forgiven for past indiscretions? Especially if those acts lead to something good?

About three years ago, I (F/31) cheated on my boyfriend (Alan, M/31) with a former co-worker of mine. The Covid lockdown put a lot of strain on our relationship and my boyfriend had a very hard time being isolated from his friends and family. He pulled back from me and became very withdrawn and unaffectionate and nothing I did seemed to be able to draw him back out. I was having regular zoom meetings for work that would turn into post-work hangouts and improvised happy hours and over the course of the year, a co-worker (Barry M/33) and I started to be a little flirty. I know a lot of this was because I was feeling neglected and I missed that sense of being desired and wanted, but I felt alone even when I was with my boyfriend and here was someone who was making me feel like a whole person again.

Eventually the lockdown ended and Barry left the company to start his own business and at a so long/farewell after work party at a bar, Alan and I had a few too many drinks and we had sex. We both swore that this was a mistake, it was a one time thing and we were never going to ever do any of this again, but two weeks later we were flirting again and before we knew it, we realized that we were actually in love and this went from being a fling to an affair.

For a while I thought I could hide my affair until I could end things with Alan but he found out when he walked in on us flirting and getting sexy over Zoom and dumped me on the spot. News of my cheating spread through our entire social circle and everyone sided with Alan over me.

That was three years ago and I’ve been with my lover ever since. I know I made mistakes and I don’t pretend that what I did was right. But its been three years and my friends still wont talk to me or acknowledge my new relationship with Barry. They’re still upset at me for breaking Alan’s heart and don’t want to accept that what Barry and I have is real.

Dr., I know what I did was bad, but doesn’t the fact that Barry and I are still together and that we’re happy mean anything? It’s not like Alan was blameless in this and it’s not as though I did this because I was bored or didn’t care. Barry and I love each other, we’ve moved in together, we’ve got a dog and we’re talking about marriage. I feel like this should make a difference, but nobody seems to be willing to hear me out about this and it just doesn’t seem fair to me.

What do I do? Is there any way to change my friends’ minds or am I just the cheating bitch for the rest of time?

I’m The Bad Guy

I think this can be summed up best as “Oh look, it’s the consequences of my own actions”, ITBG.

Now, I will freely acknowledge that I’m on the record as saying that I don’t think cheating is the worst thing that you can do in a relationship, nor do I think it’s an automatic relationship extinction event, and I do think that there are times when cheating can be the least-bad option in some circumstances.

But that’s not the same thing as saying that cheating is something that can be easily overlooked or that you shouldn’t face the consequences. Something may not be the worst thing that you could do, but that’s not the same as being a good thing. And while the circumstances can make a difference – there’s a difference between “oops, I got drunk with a co-worker and we failed our wisdom save” and “fidelity is something that happens to other people” – those circumstances aren’t a “get-out-of-jail-free” card. They’re the difference between “we have some things to work out and trust to rebuild” and “get the hell out of my house before I throw you out and if you’re very lucky I might actually open the door before I do.”

Part of the problem here is that you don’t seem to actually own what you’ve done, nor are you actually expressing remorse. You can say “I did bad, I know,” all you want, but that’s not a magic spell that will inspire forgiveness from everyone around you. Saying “yeah, I fucked up” or “I know I’m the bad guy here” isn’t an apology, it’s just a statement of facts. Yes, you fucked up. Yes, you broke your ex-boyfriend’s heart and yes, you’re the bad guy here. Those are all true things. That’s not the same thing as an apology. Acknowledging that they’re true doesn’t make it better. You’re just agreeing on the facts of the matter.

And the fact of the matter is that you cheated on your boyfriend with a co-worker, that relationship continued until you got caught and it lead to your ex dumping you because of it.

The fact that you’re in love isn’t going to change the math in terms of how people feel about it. Not the way you’re going about things now. Yeah, it’s a little less shitty than if you were doing it because you were bored or because you were being spiteful and wanted to hurt your ex. And perhaps this was, in some ways, you slamming your hand down on the eject button of this relationship. But that doesn’t change how your actions affected other people, and the way you apparently didn’t bother trying to stick the dismount after.

I don’t think cheating is the unforgivable sin, nor do I think that being a cheater makes you an inherently awful person. I don’t think we are defined by our worst days, and I think people are complex and good people can do bad or dumb things. I think people in love can make poor choices because sometimes love makes us stupid. I don’t think love means you have to be forgiven, but I think it can make things understandable… but that also requires a willingness to face the music for making those poor choices.

More than just acknowledging that you were the “bad guy” here – a vague and nebulous term – you need to acknowledge that your choices hurt people and that they have a right to be hurt by it. I think that your friends have every right to be angry at you for hurting their friend, love or not, and to be further upset that you seem to not understand that their anger is justified. You’ve done nothing to change that, and coming to this with an attitude of “man, why are you bringing up old shit?” isn’t helping your case.

If you’re hoping for forgiveness… well first of all it doesn’t sound like you’re asking for it, you’re just expecting people to forgive you because Twu Luv. Second of all, you need to actually earn it, and you haven’t gotten as far as offering an apology. So far, what I’m hearing is “well, I did it for love, doesn’t that mean anything?” as though your boyfriend is James Marsden in… pretty much any movie, and is going to say “oh, you’re in love, that makes it ok, I don’t mind losing you to another guy because you’re in love and who am I to stand in the way of that?”

Part of apologizing and seeking forgiveness or redemption means doing your best to make things right… but it also means accepting that some people aren’t going to forgive you, nor are they required to. Some hurts go too deep or are left for too long, and people aren’t obligated to forgive you just because it would make you feel better. You have to be willing to live with the consequences of your actions, as much as it sucks and as unfair as it may feel to you.

You hurt your ex. You hurt your friends. You were not acting with integrity. I think if you’d handled things differently, sooner, you would be in a different place. Not necessarily the place you would like to be, where your relationships were no different than before, but at least you might still have relationships with your friends. You would’ve had the chance to build things back and move forward. But thus far, you haven’t taken the steps to do so, and I can’t help but feel like you’ve left it for too long.

If you’re going to try to change things, then I think the first person you need to apologize to is your ex. You will probably have to eat a ration of shit when you do, and if you want forgiveness, then you’re going to have to eat it like it’s steak because you fucked up. But he may – and I stress may – forgive you. Then you can talk to your friends and apologize to them. Please note, though, that your ex’s theoretical forgiveness likewise doesn’t obligate them to forgive. They can still think that what you did was too far. But at the very least, you can know that you’ve apologized, shown remorse and done your best to make things right. Hopefully that will bring a measure of peace.

Like I said: you fucked up, badly. You made bad decisions. Bad decisions made in the name of something good doesn’t make them less bad. You may have to accept that the start of this relationship meant a break from your old life and there’s no going back. That sucks, but that’s how it is and that may be the price you pay for what you’ve done.

Seeking redemption isn’t about getting people to love you again the way they did before. It’s about trying to be better than you were, to learn and improve. You’ve fucked up. Own your mistakes, do your best to make things better, then go forward and don’t make those mistakes again. Be better than that.

Good luck.

—

This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock