Just the other day it occurred to me that dating is a spiritual practice.
I am dating someone new. It’s been 4 months.
I can’t let the elephant in the room- the question of will this relationship last- take me over in its grip of anxiety and fear. I need to stay in the present and not worry about what will be in the future.
There is no way to know unless I suspend my need to know and embrace uncertainty. Since I have been meditating for 50 years (!), I supposedly have some tools that help.
I do my best to show up honestly, openly and with my whole self and see what we can create together.
My guy and I talk about relaxing into not knowing. We need to share the same space- eat together, sleep in the same bed, discover each other sexually, spend time navigating each of our emotional selves, find a way to communicate about those prickly feelings that arise, laugh together, meditate together, take hikes, see great art, listen to music, go away for fabulous weekends and immerse ourselves in conversation.
Doing uncertainty means we quiet down in our core. We get to a place of trusting ourselves and our process. We push nothing away. We welcome it all.
I have to say my guy is really good at enjoying the uncertainty. He courts me with flowers and small gifts and poems and sweet words. He helps make it be fun to do this dance of uncertainty. Listening to David Bowie and Jimi Hendrix helps.
We cannot shorten the journey in an effort to get to an outcome sooner. There is no way around it. We must go through it, opening to the rollercoaster ride of uncertainty in matters of the heart.
But if one or both of us are off in the future, worrying about being rejected or things falling apart, then we are missing out on the spiritual practice of not knowing.
Staying in the present with dating means approaching it as pure play. It requires beginner’s mind. There is no way to bypass or shorten the process of just seeing what my new guy and I can create together and if it will last long term.
After some amount of time, we will know. And then we will get to do more uncertainty. Let’s say we choose to be together. What if one of us gets sick or dies?
Uncertainty is our teacher. Always. We can’t grasp or hold on to any thing, less it will escape our grip. Because that is how life rolls, thankfully.
Doesn’t that sound a whole lot like a spiritual practice?
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Previously Published on Medium
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