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Laughable, at least, in the sense that claiming you’ve outgrown a person or a relationship suggests that you’ve involuntarily become bigger than the relationship. A partner is not a pair of pants, and you can’t outgrow them like a bean-sprout of a teenager who grew four inches over the summer.
As full-grown adults – we clean out our closets for many reasons. Because we left an old job, chose a new job, had a baby, or are bored and looking to spice up our life. We clean out our closets by choice, and rarely out of true necessity.
To say we “outgrow” a partner seems to imply something that just “happens” to us. I don’t believe that relationship changes are quite so passive.
What I see in the women that I work with as a sexual empowerment coach is that a woman’s claim of “outgrowing” a partner is usually an excuse to wobble in indecision about a relationship while blaming something external for choices she has made over time to become a different person. The person she is NOW no longer desires to invest in a connection with the specific other person/partner.
The culmination of those choices and current desires aren’t a product of accidental growth, but of a gradual, intentional process of change that brings a woman to claim, she has “outgrown” her partner.
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What I HEAR from women about why they outgrow their partners (and my sassy pants translations:
SHE SAYS: He just doesn’t want to move forward.
TRANSLATION: He’s so ridiculously content in his life that I don’t know what to do with his lack of dissatisfaction.
SHE SAYS: I am just at such a higher vibration than he is, it’s like we live in different dimensions.
TRANSLATION: His spirituality looks nothing like mine and he won’t read the books I tell him to read.
SHE SAYS: He doesn’t pursue me sexually anymore and I feel like I have to initiate it if I want any sex in our relationship.
TRANSLATION: He is living in fear that every little thing he does will be wrong and criticized by my vehement wrath.
SHE SAYS: I wish he would just throw me down on the bed and
TRANSLATION: I can’t choose to trust him and surrender my obsessive controlling tendencies long enough to allow him to play his masculine polarity while I sink into my feminine allure.
SHE SAYS: He loves me, he’s a great dad, but the chemistry just isn’t there anymore… and I need more in my life.
TRANSLATION: I’ve emasculated him with my relentless self-righteousness and consequently killed any semblance of romance or playfulness in our relationship.
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The truth underlying all of these boils down to three main points:
#1: Every day you must wake up and CHOOSE whether or not you are ALL IN or if you are OUT of this relationship. It’s not a one-time gig, don’t buy into that lie. Marriage doesn’t fix everything, divorce doesn’t fix everything, and even finding the man of your dreams… will not last forever unless you decide FOR it every day.
#2: Your partner is his own person, on his own journey, making his own choices. What he eats, what he reads, and what he believes spiritually are not a personal affront to you and does not determine how deeply he can love you. He gets to define that and LIVE it. He isn’t looking for a dictator or a mother in you, he is looking for a lover.
#3: As the saying goes – it takes two to tango. Taking radical responsibility for what you have co-created in your relationship is essential. Look within yourself to see what desires, unmet needs, and self-sabotage patterns have you’ve gotten you here. Within your own psyche – or inner world – is your own feminine anima and masculine animus. What is playing out in your relationship is calling you to more fully own something inside of yourself so you can create a new relationship reality outside of yourself.
When we realize that we do not just magically outgrow a relationship in our life, but that every development in how we connect with our partner is a conscious an intentional change shaped by our own choices and desires… we become truly empowered.
From this space, resentment, bitterness, and resistance fall away. We can have compassion and understanding for our partners and begin to explore what is possible in our relationship.
The possibilities might lead us into deeper connection and devotion, or they may open the door to a new beginning on our own elsewhere. Either way, examining our options and staying OR leaving the relationship will feel a thousand times better when we are out of victimhood, blame, and anger and instead of coming from a place of grounded love and intention for ourselves and our partner.
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Photo Credit – Getty Images
I like it. But sometimes – people outgrow each other. And both know it. Then, it’s time to let each other go – the most loving thing to do.
This was helpful. While he may be looking for a lover not a mother. Is an excellent point, in a marriage life is moe than about sex. I am looking for a life partner. Making life decisions together. Doesn’t have to be my way but by god you have to show up for the conversation!
Right on. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Good article – great perspective!