My best buddy is a guy named Noel. Ours is a friendship for life — unshakeable, reliable and stable. He’s what I believe my kids would refer to as my BFF (Best Friend Forever).
We grew up living next door to each other and as kids were inseparable. Adulthood tends to send people in different directions and while we now live hundreds of miles apart, our friendship is as tight as ever. I’m godfather to his kids and him to mine.
I love that guy (he won’t be reading but he knows it anyway).
He’s a sociable chap and a few years ago, introduced himself to a new neighbour moving in across the street — “Nice to meet you Nigel” the guy exclaimed cheerfully, and then went back to shifting boxes into his new home.
At first, Noel thought he’d misheard. Then he realised he hadn’t, but thought it funny so said nothing to correct the error. Years later the neighbour still believes he’s called Nigel.
The annual Christmas card arrives addressed to Nigel and Family. The neighbour introduces him to other people as Nigel. The confusion spreads further and the opportunity to correct things without embarrassment or awkwardness has long-since passed.
It matters little in the scheme of things, but it all began because in the moment he did nothing — why was that?
The answer of course is that it’s not that big a deal. Saying nothing in that moment to correct a trivial misunderstanding wasn’t a calculated move and there weren’t major consequences then, nor have there been since (other than mild embarrassment and occasionally a little confusion).
Nonetheless, doing something in that moment might have made life easier.
Sometimes It Pays to do Nothing
In some scenarios doing nothing can have negative consequences. At other times doing nothing is a superpower — it takes patience, restraint and resolve but often leads to positive outcomes.
I’m reminded of this every time I go to make a new investment and want to buy stock or Bitcoin at a good price. The moment I begin to watch the markets, the price starts climbing — all rationality and patience fly out of the window. An inner voice tells me I’ve missed the crucial moment, and with it all chances of making a profit.
I berate myself for inaction. Instead of waiting patiently for the markets to drop again, I rush to buy at a higher price than necessary.
If only I were more comfortable with doing nothing and waiting patiently.
The righteous path to successes and accomplishments isn’t always the path of relentless action. Nor is it always the path taken by those with a gung-ho spirit.
Success often comes to those who are willing to hold out for the longest; those who blink last; those willing to wait a little longer until conditions are perfect or until their adversaries give-in.
They’re the ones who take their time and seem able to figure out the right thing to do. They don’t rush to make snap judgments and do the first thing that comes to mind.
To be like them we need to be willing and able to pause a beat rather than diving right in — to hold on for a moment, to take a breath and figure out what we should do next. To decide whether to do something or to do nothing and wait.
Alas, that tendency is all too rare.
Look Before You Leap
It’s easy and instinctive to act without thought and instead, to go with the gut. The right path often seems plainly obvious, but sometimes our emotions cloud our minds — what seems like the right thing to do becomes obscured by what we want to do. The heart overrules the head.
In a new relationship we may want to be the first to say “I love you”. But are our emotions clouding our mind? Is it love or merely lust? Are we saying it in the hope that they’ll say the same in return to feed our ego? Do we really know how we feel about them deep down?
In the heat of argument we may feel convinced that ours is the righteous position, certain that we’re on the moral high ground. Is our certainty based on facts or merely our own self-assured opinion? Is anger or shame driving our sense of certainty? Is this even a fight that’s still worth fighting?
Maybe our instinct is to apologise, taking the first step to make amends or offer concessions. What if we’re actually right though? Do we feel a pressure to conform to type, always the one who tries to smooth things over and make the peace? In capitulating are we sacrificing our own interests and concerns in the name of harmony?
Each day presents a steady stream of such dilemmas, choices and decisions — they’re not all that big of a deal, and not everything justifies angst or debate. But in many cases, it’s worth taking at least a moment to pause before deciding what we’ll do next. That’s often all we need to arrive at the right choice between doing something, and doing nothing and letting it play out.
Sometimes we need to take a breath — half a breath even, rather than leaping straight in without thought or consideration.
The Magnitude Matters
Author and entrepreneur Ryan Holiday recently shared his recommended reads for 2021 — amongst them a number of biographies of former military leaders and presidents.
He identified a running theme threaded through many of their stories:
“You can commit injustice by doing nothing”
For many in high office there exists a pressure to be seen as an action-taker — to appear decisive, determined and resolved in the face of adversity. Citizens and soldiers don’t want leaders who are wishy-washy about taking action or who refuse to commit to decisions. Instead, they favour those who choose a path and then stick with it.
With that said, we’ve witnessed those leaders who take action and then defend it with arrogance, indignation and self-righteousness regardless of the responses and results. They don’t always come off well either.
There is a solid case to be made for not leaping directly into action, but to first take a beat to consider what the right course of action might be. Even though most of us favour leaders who are decisive and action-oriented our preference is still for the right action.
In his book ‘Stillness is the Key’ the aforementioned Ryan Holiday explores the importance of peace, quiet and calm for those who’ve accomplished greatness in their lives, including Winston Churchill and John F. Kennedy. It was through Kennedy’s handling of the Cuban missile crisis in 1962 that Holiday chose to emphasize the importance of taking a moment as part of resolving complex issues rather than allowing oneself to be rushed into action.
Kennedy would sit in briefings, discussing the impending crisis with military leaders who presented options and pressed him for decisions. Armed with a pen and legal-pad he listened, made notes and tried to digest the facts and consider the options. He fought the instinct to rush to decisions, preserving and protecting the stillness of his mind, by doodling in his notepad and writing out key phrases and questions over and over again. Such practices were intended to calm his mind, slow himself down and stimulate clarity in his thinking.
In the end, it served him well, helping the USA to avoid a nuclear conflict.
In the face of decisions with enormous potential consequences hanging on the outcome, the importance of taking a moment is all the more essential.
Do the Right Thing
There are of course many occasions when it’s right to go with the gut. Martin Luther King Jr reminded us that “the time is always right to do the right thing”.
C.S. Lewis expounded that “integrity is doing the right thing, even when no-one is watching”.
In many situations there is no need for internal debate — we know the right answer in our heart and our mind.
- Speaking up on behalf of those who’ve been wronged;
- Calling out injustices;
- Asking after another human’s wellbeing and showing mutual concern and respect for others;
- Being the first to offer a smile or kind gesture to a stranger.
In each of these scenarios and many others besides, the right answer is clear and apparent — it needs no thought. What’s right is right and there’s no need to debate or second-guess our instincts. Taking a moment to pause may just result in the opportunity being lost or damage being worsened through our inaction.
Putting the Theory in Practice
Applying the practice of pausing in my life is an ongoing process of trial and error. The principle is to remember at all times not to succumb to instinctive, emotionally driven responses.
I’m not trying to overrule my instincts to do the right thing whenever that thing is plainly apparent. I try and act with kindness towards others, I leap first when smiling at strangers, I act with consideration and generally treat others how I’d like them to treat me.
The re-programming happens through developing the new instinct — to take a breath and pause for a moment rather than leaping in with both feet. It’s about considering doing nothing as a viable option to taking action, or at least to hold-off reacting out of anger, impatience or instinct.
- I try and remember to pause rather than rushing to reply or answer a question — taking a moment to think and to consider my response
- I take a breath and observe my emotional reactions, using that moment to consider whether my anger, euphoria, sadness or bemusement is warranted
- I hold on for an extra moment when I feel like there’s a time-pressure to make a decision. I remind myself that little in life is so time-sensitive that an extra few seconds as I gather my thoughts will cost me the opportunity
- I breathe in and mindfully consider how I can most effectively act to bring about the best outcome for me and for anyone involved in that exchange.
It doesn’t come easily and I often get it wrong. Instincts and ingrained behaviours are often tough to challenge and change. Taking a pause when I remember to do so has helped me to do the right things more often, including when the conclusion reached is to be more patient, to do and say nothing and to wait and see what happens.
It’s a continuous process to change long-ingrained behaviours but it’s a worthwhile change to make.
Final Thought
Our accomplishments in life are a composite of the many things we said and did, but also of the things we didn’t do.
A 2019 survey of the common regrets of elderly Americans highlighted (as do many such surveys) that people mainly regret the things they didn’t do in life — the opportunities they passed-up, the conversations they put off and the activities they delayed until it was too late.
Also common within the list however, were a number of examples that were avoidable, if respondents might have taken a little more time considering options as they went through life:
- They wished they’d been more thoughtful and considered in their choice of partner
- They wished they hadn’t settled for safe options in their career, and instead that they might have thoughtfully evaluated riskier paths that might have been more rewarding
- They wished they hadn’t been complacent about caring for their physical health and emotional wellbeing and had instead thought ahead to consider the long-term consequences of short-term choices.
Based on the prevalence of such regrets it’s easy to see the importance of making more thoughtful and thorough considerations as we progress through life, particularly in those areas where the potential payoff is significant. Not everything is worthy of debate for sure. Not all choices warrant procrastination. Over-thinking is a scourge for those who want to feel confident and contented in their choices.
But in many aspects of life, not just in relation to the big stuff but in the daily conversations and dilemmas, maybe there’s a case for taking those few seconds to pause? To examine our feelings, to try and elevate ourselves above our emotions a little and to decide whether it really is the right thing to do something in the moment, or to do nothing and see what happens next.
We always have choices — to do something, or to do nothing. Why not take a moment and see which makes more sense?
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: by Joshua Woroniecki on Unsplash