Why Highly Sensitive People Struggle in Relationships

It had been nearly a year since she and I broke up. As much as I wanted a 30-day no-contact approach since the breakup, it was impossible because we kept running into each other at work and on campus.

Every week I’d get a text from her: “Are you on campus?”, or “I know I shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help it. Can I see you?” Me, being the sensitive person that I am, not feeling okay with saying no to someone I still had feelings for and cared about, would always end up seeing her.

We’d get intimate with each other, feel highs that we didn’t feel when we were actually together, then talk about how we shouldn’t see each other. This happened each time. It was toxic. And it brought out my anxiety. It also low-key had me going through a depression.

But I could never tell her because she never understood my deeper side. She knew I was softer than the other guys she had been with, and appreciated that part of me. But she wasn’t the deep, philosophical type. She wouldn’t have known what it felt like to be so overwhelmed all the time. She definitely wasn’t a highly sensitive person (HSP).

We broke up because we always felt a disconnect. Though we were very good to each other, it just never clicked. It was the perfect relationship on paper, and we looked perfect for each other too, but we never felt a genuine connection.

In retrospect, I’m glad it ended and ended on good terms. She would’ve never loved me for who I truly am. I am a highly sensitive man, and I have grown to embrace my uniqueness.

What is an HSP?

HSPs makeup 15–20 percent of the population. We are a group that is naturally born with a more sensitive nervous system than the rest. Our nervous system is genetically designed to pick up on subtleties and reflect more deeply on our inner experience, making us more easily overwhelmed by the outer world.

The research for our trait has been lead by psychotherapist Elaine N. Aron, an HSP herself, since 1991. It is backed up by scientific studies and is deemed an inherent, genetic difference.

Compared to non-HSPs, we, HSPs, are proven to be more easily stressed by tasks (because of our lower optimal arousal level), have lower levels of serotonin in our brains, and are more likely to be depressed and anxious adults if we had troubled childhoods.

Being an HSP affects all areas of our lives, and brings a specific set of challenges when it comes to the love department.

HSPs don’t fit the cultural ideals of man and woman.

In our society, we would agree that the ideal man is stoic, dominant, driven, brave, risk-taking, and physically strong. The ideal man is not sensitive and gentle.

The ideal woman, on the other hand, is outgoing, nurturing, flexible, and focused on her appearance. She caters to and attends to the needs and desires of others, more than her own.

Though the highly sensitive man (HSM) can be stoic and emotionally centered, he is naturally wired to feel more intensely than the non-HSM. HSMs can definitely be physically strong and driven, as there is no correlation between being an HSM and these qualities. But because of his sensitivity, the HSM mostly stops and reflects before making decisions. This is his nature, so he isn’t likely to fill the brave and risk-taking attributes of the ideal man. The HSM also isn’t typically dominant, as he is sensitive to his partner’s needs and is naturally a laid-back type.

The highly sensitive woman (HSW), on the contrary, fits the cultural ideal much better. Women are, after all, supposed to be sensitive, especially to the wishes and demands of others. But no matter how introverted a woman is, she can’t be so sensitive to the point that she needs any downtime. The ideal superwoman is much stronger than that. And this is where the HSW falls short. HSWs (and HSMs) reach a point of overstimulation much quicker than the rest of the population, which makes it a necessity for them to have downtime (as we’ll soon unpack).

Because HSWs and HSMs don’t fit the ideals of their culture, they often have lower self-esteem than non-HSPs. This lower self-esteem affects their relationships since HSPs often carry with them deep gender-based insecurities.

Frequently, HSPs paired with non-HSPs see their not-so-sensitive partners as ideal, making them envious of their partners. When HSPs don’t feel good about themselves and believe they aren’t ideal, their partners can’t help but pick up on the HSP’s lack of self-esteem. And lastly, because gender roles can be reversed in relationships between HSPs and non-HSPs, what others like family and friends say can impact the relationship, affecting the pair’s confidence.

HSPs need more downtime.

As mentioned earlier, since HSPs have nervous systems that are more sensitive to subtleties and they process these subtleties very deeply, they reach a point of overstimulation much quicker than non-HSPs.

This is why downtime is essential for the HSP. Downtime allows HSPs to recharge so that they can show up in the world in their best form. If HSPs don’t get enough breaks, they can become quite irritable, anxious, and even depressed. Downtime is a physiological need for HSPs like water is for all of us.

Given the lower optimal arousal level of HSPs, when an HSP is paired with a non-HSP, there can be a clash in the degree of stimulation each can bear. Non-HSPs, for example, can spend an entire day shopping at the mall, meet up with some buddies for dinner right after, and then head out to a party — all without a break. This, of course, seems normal to them.

HSPs, on the other hand, would find such a day too exhausting. They would need a mini pause, maybe after shopping all day. Or if they are too drained from all the stimulation at the mall, they may even need to call it a day and relax at home until bedtime.

Because of this clash in temperament, a non-HSP partner might feel abandoned by the HSP. The non-HSP may at times be required to have fun in the world without his or her partner. As we can see, the HSP’s need for downtime can surely impact relationship satisfaction for both partners.

HSPs don’t like confrontation.

Also, because of their lower optimal arousal level, HSPs typically avoid confronting their partners when something is bothering them. They want to maintain as much peace and harmony as possible because getting into arguments makes them too stressed. They don’t enjoy being overwhelmed, and even a small disagreement can get them overly aroused.

Because of their caring characteristics, HSPs are the type to do something for you for a long time without ever mentioning that they don’t enjoy doing it. They may cook a meal for you every night when you come home tired from work, even though they hate cooking. And you will never know because they would never tell you.

It’s not that they are dishonest — it’s just that they don’t want to get overwhelmed by the feelings of confrontation.

The main issue with HSPs avoiding conflict is that it makes room for resentment to grow. HSPs can definitely become resentful of their partners, especially when they keep things in for too long.

HSPs notice the tiny details.

As HSPs naturally are in tune with subtleties, they very easily pick up on the nuances of their partner’s behavior and speech. They notice and analyze the slightest of behavioral changes.

Because of this, HSPs see things that their lovers don’t, and feel intensely about things their partners have no idea about.

A typical scenario that an HSP may find himself in is feeling so much about a minor change in his relationship — a slight difference in how he and his partner communicate, for instance— yet the partner has no idea the HSP feels such heavy emotions. The HSP would commonly struggle alone since he won’t say anything due to his distaste for confrontation, and there builds an inner resistance in the harmony of the relationship.

Since HSPs are deeply conscientious and complex beings, they contemplate the measure of satisfaction in their relationships. They want to ensure they fulfill the needs and wishes of their lovers, but when they are so sensitive to the point that they want to satisfy every need and want of their partners, they can grow restless and feel inadequate as lovers.

HSPs love hard, and being the attentive partners they are, they can easily become overwhelmed by caring so much about their partner’s feelings and actions.

A final word to the highly sensitive lover

As someone who does not fit the ideal of man or woman, it’s important that you do not forget the role you play in a not-so-sensitive society. There is much good that we carry as HSPs, and our gentle, more thoughtful, and conscientious way of being is needed in our aggressive cultures.

Likewise, it is crucial that you don’t grow envious of your partner and forget about the positive things that you as an HSP bring to your relationship. It is likely that you bring more thoughtful reflection and calmness to your love and inspire your partner to take better care of themselves.

So long as you accept and accommodate your unique physiology, and acknowledge that no relationship is perfect, you can work wonders with your romantic love as an HSP.

I will soon write an article on the good things HSPs bring to romantic relationships. So stay tuned for that.

With love,

Krisor Kitna

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Previously Published on medium

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