You have to do that for yourself.
I never thought we’d be over. I thought we were finally together and that we’d probably get married and have kids. At a party, a friend even asked me if I thought we’d get married and I said “yep” without hesitation.
I never imagined that I would be the one who stopped loving her because I’d given my all to get her.
But I couldn’t deny it. Ok, well, I did deny it. But my actions betrayed me to myself.
Actions like wanting to spend more time with my friends than with her. Like preferring my own company to hers. Like planning on seeing her and then canceling. Like enjoying porn more than having sex with her.
And do you know what made it worse? The fact that she seemed to be ok with these things.
She never argued with me. She never asked me why I kept choosing my friends over her. She never said anything when we started having less and less sex.
I started to think to myself “I could probably do anything and she still wouldn’t leave me.”
Even lie to her. Even cheat on her.
I didn’t cheat on her. But if I would’ve cheated on her, she might’ve been mad or angry or upset… but she would’ve taken me back. Of course she would’ve.
Eventually, I realized that I wasn’t in love with her anymore. Well, I say realized. I realized that I wasn’t in love with her long before I admitted and accepted it.
But now was the time to end it.
And, after lots of tears from both of us, she said it:
“I know it sounds stupid but I’d rather be with you and be unhappy than not be with you and be happy.”
That’s when I knew we were over.
I immediately knew I’d done the right thing by breaking up with her. I wasn’t in a healthy relationship. I could’ve done anything to her and she would’ve stayed with me.
That’s unconditional love. And that’s wrong.
And it’s unattractive. I didn’t want to be around someone like that. It made me want to just walk out of the room.
I want to be with someone who has enough self-esteem to know when they’re not being treated how they deserve to be treated.
I wasn’t treating her how she deserved to be treated. I was treating her how I knew I could treat her and still get away with it. She loved me unconditionally and I took advantage of it.
I’m not proud of it.
It’s helped me to understand some things.
It’s helped me to understand that I want to be with someone who has self-esteem. It’s helped me to understand that I deserve better than to love another person unconditionally. And it’s helped me to understand that she is the only person who deserves her unconditional love.
And the same goes for me and my unconditional love.