Married life has been smooth for me so far — bearing in mind we’re still fresh in it. I will reflect on this statement in 10 years.
We see our relationship as two individuals who have separate lives and have come together to create one. I live my life and have my own goals, and he has his own.
Respect was always the main aspect of our relationship.
My husband likes to say ‘Respect me more than you love me’.
And although it took me a while to understand what he meant by that, I finally realised that as long as I respect him and hold him to a high standard — he knows I love him.
I started to adopt the same mentality.
Things were going well but there was something I did not take into consideration or even think about when being married.
And that was external people and how their livelihood can affect your marriage.
Friendships in Marriage
Over time, I have made some great friends — some that I would even consider my family.
Some have been in relationships for 5+ years, some are single, some are focusing on their children, and some are focusing on their careers. I am grateful that I can bounce off different people, who are taking different routes in life.
Some remind me that one day I will be a mother and are dropping me gems, some are advising me on what I can do with my career, and some remind me of how to be selfless when you only need to focus on yourself.
And with all that being said, as the days go by being a married woman I start to realise that there are some environments I just don’t feel comfortable being in anymore.
Change Your Environment
Everybody is on a unique path to find happiness and peace in life.
Some of my friends are content with staying at home and going out from time to time to let their hair loose. Some of my friends are active every weekend and are living their best life.
I am also a person who would go out from time to time. My goal was to focus on making it in my sector and being successful. I did not find happiness in going out every week. But that’s just me.
But what I didn’t realise, is that some of my single friends were seeking something that I had already found.
They were looking for the one. They were on the search for love. They were trying to find companionship.
So that meant when I would meet up with them, they preferred to be in environments that helped them find this person. They would go to the club or parties and kill two birds with one stone: have a great time and possibly find someone.
A few times I went out with them and I would just do my own thing whilst they were talking to guys. But there were also times when being the only married woman, I was put in situations where a night out with the girls turned into a night out with men who were strangers.
I’m not mad at them. It’s what they have to do if they are trying to find the one.
But for me, it got tiring.
The times when I just wanted to catch up with the girls but they wanted something else, or someone else present.
The times when I was put in compromising environments/situations and had to explain to my husband what happened.
The times my friends did not understand how it made me feel.
It was just tiring.
Some may say I have the wrong single friends — you may be right.
Some may say that I am being selfish and should let my single friends be — you may also be right.
But what I say to myself and other people is to respect people’s relationships.
Respect People’s Relationships
There was a time when I was single and my friends were in relationships. When we would go out, I understood that I was single and my friend was in a relationship — so we’re not going to want to do the same things.
Rather than a party, let’s go for a nice dinner where we can spend quality time together.
There have also been times when my friends in relationships feel uncomfortable with the company of men. What do I do? Leave the situation.
Hell, some of my single friends don’t even like to be in that situation too.
But what I am trying to say is that certain environments and situations make people in relationships/marriages feel uncomfortable.
Not because their partner does not trust them.
Because they don’t want to be surrounded by men when they have a man.
Because they don’t want to be in compromising situations which can make them look disloyal.
Because being around strangers that you don’t care about is not worth an argument with your partner.
This comes down to having respect for yourself and also respecting your partner.
Emulate How You Want Your Partner to Be
Some women may say ‘It’s not that serious’ — but if the roles were reversed, how would you react and feel?
If you don’t want your husband to be around a bunch of women, why are you around a bunch of men?
It’s that real.
I’m not saying that you need to cut your single friends out of your life — no.
But what you do need to do is set boundaries and communicate with your friends when you are uncomfortable.
Setting boundaries is important to a successful marriage and for others to respect your marriage.
Understand that you are a representation of your husband and he is a representation of you.
How you behave emulates your respect for him and what he does emulates his respect for you.
Love each other and let each other live their individual lives — but always remember to respect them in your every action.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Leonardo Miranda on Unsplash
