Why I Don’t Want to Be Congratulated on My Divorce

So today I got divorced… The big D. I’m no longer separated, I am now officially a divorcée.

I’ve been flooded with messages of congratulations but actually I don’t really feel like being congratulated. Whilst finding my power and freeing myself from a situation that caused me mental suffering is certainly to be celebrated, there’s also a more melancholy note to this newfound status.

I had never considered divorce might be part of my adulthood, part of my journey. As a child envisioning the life ahead, marriage, children and a nice house all fitted the picture. Separation, single parenting and just ‘getting by’ didn’t feature on my list of future aspirations.

Shame hit hard when my then husband announced he wanted to separate.

“How can you do this to me? How can you cause me this much shame and embarrassment?”

We needed to make this go away, it wasn’t part of the plan. It certainly wasn’t part of my plan and I wasn’t about to let him get the better of me. I fought tooth and nail for many reasons to hold onto my marriage. The children — what about the children?

“You’re just being weak, we can do this. When I chose you, I chose a future with you. I didn’t choose this.

Why can’t you be stronger for the sake of the children?

Why can’t you be stronger for me?

What will my family think?

What will my friends say?

What will society think — oh here’s another single mother, another woman working the system, another failed marriage.

Why doesn’t anyone work at anything anymore?”

I needed to make it go away. I didn’t tell a single soul at first. Not until I had sobbed my heart out and pleaded with him for weeks. It took me another couple of years after that to finally accept it. To allow the path that was mine to tread.

In the meantime we worked on it.

We worked on it for so long and so hard that it killed us both and our children suffered — no matter how much we wanted to protect them from it. No matter how hard we tried to make it go away, it wouldn’t. It stayed and it kept on staying until we dealt with it.

Until we admitted the truth.

That underneath all the shame and fear and ‘but if we just try this’, we just weren’t meant to be part of each other’s journey any longer. And that was heart-breaking.

When two people start out on their life together, when they make vows to each other and commit to a life together they make them in good faith. They make them with all the feelings intended for a lifetime union of hearts.

Sometimes the plan never was to stay together forever, sometimes you learn your lessons and it’s time to move on, it’s time for your journey to take a new direction.

And that IS the plan.

So do I want to be congratulated on my divorce? Not really.

I’m sad that all the hopes and dreams we had won’t come to fruition.

I’m sad that the life we had created together has now become two separate lives, with two separate homes for our children.

And I’m sad that the path intended for me is not the path I envisioned.

Yes I’m excited about the future.

And yes I can see that I am far more worthy of the new future laid out for me, that it will be much more fulfilling and has far greater potential.

Yes I’m excited about the new path that can be forged ahead and I’m also much more open to what that might look like. But for today at least I’m going to sit in these feelings of disappointment no matter how uncomfortable they are, because that day I said yes to having and holding ‘til death do us part, I meant it.

This piece was written during a defining chapter of my life that ultimately shaped the high-level work I now offer. The journey pushed me to confront shame, embarrassment, and a deep-seated fear of survival.
If the insights resonate with you, please take a look at my website to discover how I may best support you. www.thecreationspace.com.au

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This post was previously published on medium.com.