Recently, an article—Why I’ll Never Date a Feminist—went mini-viral.
It wasn’t viral, viral, with all America talking about it like it does football players sitting through the national anthem, but it did make waves. The title alone made all the right people outraged.
(So much so, I have to wonder if the author of the piece wasn’t just trolling for fun.)
After reading it, I thought about writing an empathetic, thoughtful response. I imagined bringing up my mother, wife, and daughter. How I believed in equality for them; how I occasionally feared for their safety. I considered discussing my belief in Title IX, and my disgust at the pay disparity between women and men.
But the more I tried to write that, the less I liked it. The less I liked even the idea of it.
So the short answer, then, is: I married a feminist because I fell in love with one.
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The reality of the situation is: I didn’t marry a feminist because I believe in Title IX, or because I respect women, or because I believe in equal pay, or—when the time comes—because I want my daughter to be safe on her college campus.
No.
I believe in those things because it’s the right thing to do. Those beliefs are “gimmies.” “Duh” beliefs.
(“Do I want my daughter to be safe? Duh.”)
So the short answer, then, is: I married a feminist because I fell in love with one.
I fell in love with a strong, intelligent woman. One I hope helps me raise a strong, intelligent daughter.
Add to that, and here’s the important part: I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to be married to a strong, intelligent woman.
After we got engaged, my wife somewhat-sheepishly approached me with something she thought might be a problem: she wanted to keep her own name. She didn’t want my surname, and she didn’t want to hyphenate. She liked the name she was given at birth.
I shrugged.
There wasn’t even a discussion.
I didn’t puff out my chest our put forth any small-penis reasons about how it was an attack on my masculinity, it was against “tradition,” or any other nonsense. Her name made her happy, marrying me made her happy, and those two things seemed perfectly reasonable, independent things.
When you look at Men’s Rights Activists, or online trolls attacking women, or the author of Why I’ll Never Date a Feminist, you’re generally dealing with insecure…
I almost wrote “men” there, but they don’t deserve that label.
The truth is, when you look at MRA members, or online trolls attacking women, or the author of “Why I’ll Never Date a Feminist,” you’re generally dealing with insecure boys. These are people who feel threatened by the world around them, so they lash out at it in a feeble attempt to look tough; to project “macho.”
The reactionaries who are angry at the world around them? They’re the lot passive-aggressively condemning the women who won’t go out with them.
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The author of the “never date” piece is an overweight, balding, blemish-faced buffoon. He looks like a young Karl Rove, and no matter what your political leanings are everyone can agree Karl Rove is not an attractive man.
I do not believe for one second the author of the “never date” piece has his pick of the litter when it comes to dating, and I tell you this: any man who is getting laid on the regular isn’t worried about feminists destroying their way of life. They’re too busy dating, enjoying sex with, and marrying women to belittle or degrade them.
The reactionaries who are angry at the world around them? They’re the lot passive-aggressively condemning the women who won’t go out with them. Instead of working on personal growth or change, they point fingers and lay blame. It’s sad, but easy.
(And people love easy.)
Unlike many, I wasn’t angry when I read the “never date” piece; in fact, I wish more men would advertise their failings so blatantly.
It’s much easier to know up front who you don’t want to interact with than to find out somewhere down the road they’re racist, sexist, homophobic, or the like.
Maybe there’s hope yet the article will go viral, so the author can be famous for all the wrong reasons, causing him to be as single as he deserves to be for the rest of his life.
But I’m still not going to link to his piece, and give him the hits he desires.
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Image ID: 1202638306
The moment you decided to launch cheap shots at his physical appearance, any semblance of moral high ground you might have had disappeared.
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/gender-inequality-fighting-womens-rights-think-giving-men-equal-rights-shmn/
🙂
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nathan-timmel/dear-walmart-woman_b_9915386.html?
“I have two children. I’m going to teach them compassion and non-judgment.
Maybe even toward people like you.”
Now you write,
“Maybe there’s hope yet the article will go viral, so the author can be famous for all the wrong reasons, causing him to be as single as he deserves to be for the rest of his life.”
Where is your compassion and non-judgment Mr. Timmel?
“I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to be married to a strong, intelligent woman.” – If only more men wanted to be paired with an equal, rather than a sidekick, a servant, or a pet.
Maybe people define equal differently, but if some people acknowledged that, they wouldn’t feel superior so they simply say these men aren’t looking for someone equal.
Two people are married. Both work outside the home. One contributes $50,000 / year to household finances and the other $40,000 a year. Is the marriage equal? What if they both worked 40 hours? What if one worked and the other had a trust fund?
I put the example in terms of money because it’s easier to equate apples to apples.
“A Strong intelligent woman” is not necessarily a “feminist” or even most likely to be one, I doubt most women of that caliber appreciate being labeled.
So only feminists are strong and intelligent? Is it possible for a woman to be strong and intelligent without labeling herself a feminist?
Of course, the proof that she’s strong and empowered is she wanted to keep her name. My friend who has traveled the world, made her own furniture and beer, works a professional job, started her own business, holds a masters degree, and is utterly into being a mother is weak because she chose to take her husband’s last name.
DJ was here. ;p
Hard to take you seriously when you deploy petty insults yourself.
“Here’s the important part: I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to be married to a strong, intelligent woman.” in which you consider this women to be a feminist. I didn’t know these beliefs were exclusive to feminist women. 41 years ago, I married the same type of women so it’s always confused me why feminists continually take credit for the beliefs you outlined. 41 years ago while in the throws of the feminist movement, my wife stood up against the feminists who berated her because she gave up her career and chose to be a SAHM. Years later, after… Read more »
My mom came from a poor Filipino family. Her mom taught her that she needs to be able to do everything a man does because someday she may need to and can’t count on someone doing it for you. She did the same with her sons. She taught her sons, my uncles, how to cook, clean, sew, etc. The worked hard, saved, and now their children are doctors, lawyers, MVAs, engineers, etc. The big difference I see is that these traditional people who were very strong and resourceful would get up when things didn’t go their way. They would overcome.… Read more »
“They would overcome. Feminist would blame patriarchy. It will always be someone else or something Else’s fault. Doesn’t sound like strength to me.” You’re absolutely right John. Now, it is all about the playing the victim card. It’s everywhere in America today. If I am fat and overweight, it is the food producers fault. If I feel I have to take my clothes off on Instagram, it’s the media’s fault. People who are strong and determined don’t look for excuses. They look for other ways to get the job done! Imelda Marcos once remarked, “Anyone who knows how much money… Read more »
That makes her a Latina by legal definition. Plenty of Latinas are also American. She may want to understand the terminology before she so vehemently objects to it. Smh
My wife is American. Latino(a) to refer to “a person of Dominican, Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican, South or Central American, or other Spanish culture or origin regardless of race.” Nice that they clump all of them together, isn’t it?
And speaking about feeble attempts to look “tough”.
Succumbing to personal attacks on looks and penis size…?
“sad, but easy”, indeed.
In my experience, being strong and intelligent is no prerequisite for someone to call themself a feminist.
Not that I’m saying they are mutually exlusive, either.
The overwhelming feminist response to that guy’s letter proved that he was at least partially right. The vast majority of feminists that responded to his letter did so with personal attacks and commenting on his looks and calling him physically unattractive.
Its great that you are responding to him with reason rather than insults and attacks (but still insist on generalizing mras) but you’re in the minority.
Sure its possible that he was trolling but the fact of the matter is, feminist far and wide (but not all of them) took the bait.
Danny,
Regarding commments on his looks: “Its great that you are responding to him with reason rather than insults and attacks”.
You seem to have missed the “The author of the “never date” piece is an overweight, balding, blemish-faced buffoon.” part of the article.
OMG I didn’t miss it I actually forgot it. That’s horrible.
Isn’t it funny how the only movement for equality sees fit to personally insult and attack people who disagree with them? Even funnier that such insults are okay and are published on a site that is geared towards men and having a conversation that no one else is having? I can get insulted for being male in any corner of the internet….
I wouldn’t know if I would label those women as feminists, so much as reactionaries. They like to be angry for the sake of being angry.
If he was poking them with a stick, more power to him, because hilarious.
But if he was sincere, then he’s a goof.
I hear where you’re coming from, though.
I was expecting as much. They insulted him so they don’t count as feminists this time. But I can’t help but notice that you also insult him with “The author of the “never date” piece is an overweight, balding, blemish-faced buffoon.”.
No ideological criticism whatsoever in that sentence. Just straight insult….