“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him,” Genesis Chapter 2: Verse 18.
Once again, I endured another Valentine’s Day. This so-called holiday continues as my big sister’s birthday and nothing more. Dear God, I want to remain single forever. As Billy Joel sang, “I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life. Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.”
Love is a Darwinian minefield. For some of us, there is no happily ever after or harlequin storyline.
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For a Southern guy, to stay single into his forties is simply unacceptable to his family. As a guy without a wife, I may as well be an alien from outer space. While visiting family while in college, I received a not so subtle message from my mother when she said, upon my arrival home, “Grandchildren now!” Marriage is right of passage that my relatives expect when making the transition into adulthood. It is an important element of our society’s cultural DNA.
Families serve as the cornerstone of our country’s stability. The research regarding the benefits of marriage has inundated the popular media; there seems to be an endless number of scientifically proven reasons why we should marry. Studies have shown that getting hitched is good for men’s health. Married people outlive their single counterparts, and married men earn 10 to 40 percent more than similar unmarried ones. The facts overwhelm me and I cannot stand to look at another report or paper. The road to romance has advantages because romantic prowess leads to survival of the fittest.
Love is a Darwinian minefield. For some of us, there is no happily ever after or harlequin storyline. Like any other conflict, there are victors, villains, and victims. For some of us, it is very rare to hear the romantic bells and whistles. There is no one plucking a harp or playing a saxophone to set the tender mood. There is no lady in my life frolicking through a meadow like a ballerina from the Washington Ballet. Life strips away all of the dreamy, starry-eyed delusions that can cloud one’s mind.
Despite my skepticism, I am the greatest witness to the power of love, marriage, and relationships.
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I do not want to elicit anyone’s pity. I wish I possessed talent as a virtuoso in wooing women. Regardless, pity is the last thing I want. Pity is 95 percent contempt and five percent sympathy. I would rather have your indifference. Nothing substitutes for a woman’s comfort or company. And yet, I will gladly surrender to my solitude, before being bombarded with pity. Anyway, I find this whole situation very suffocating. I need my sphere of personal space.
Speaking of transitions, I am alone but seldom lonely. On a daily basis, I put up with enough noise pollution and rude behavior that seclusion becomes a sanctuary. When I get home and close that door, I decompress from the insanity that takes place outside. The combination of reading, eating red meat and listening to classical music provides solace and great amounts of therapy. I just want to stay in a safe place, so I can be myself.
Marriage is not for everyone. And despite my skepticism, I am the greatest witness to the power of love, marriage, and relationships. Beyond the flowers, cards, and candy, marriage binds a man and woman forever. This most remarkable institution encourages essential values: courage, patience, commitment and unwavering devotion. Beyond the romantic melodies, relationships involve supporting and challenging that special someone with all of their good and bad attributes, through all of their ailments. Marriage requires selflessness and sacrifice.
As life moves on, I can work on becoming a better son, brother, uncle, and friend. When I feel overwhelmed, I can always call upon family and friends. They have forged my community, which provides supportive camaraderie. In life, calm and blissful survival is about finding the beauty in the darkness. Sometimes, you can find the sublime in both the shadows and the sunlight.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Married men may live longer, but they certainly enjoy it less. I endured a bad marriage until the children were grown and gone, and my life is infinitely better since leaving my spouse and living on my own. Freedom and quiet enjoyment of life is by far better than longevity.
I went out and dated a lot of women and made an interesting discovery, these women were not interested in me, but rather in the amount of income and assets that I had. I also noticed that not once did I ever date a woman who was at my level or above me in terms of socioeconomic status. I also noticed that over 70% of all divorces are initiated by women, and yet marriage is normally the woman’s idea. When combining hypergamy with family courts and laws that favor the lower earning spouse…one can readily see why women have a… Read more »
RealityBites
If women did not give birth to babies , they would choose and act differently then they do now.
Imagine a society where the father had the responsibility for the child from day one.
What kind of women would he choose to spend his life with ?
And senior women , are they eager to marry or do they say ” I don’t want to be a nurse with a purse “?
Donovan
“I can always call upon family and friends”.
Unfortunatley there are some of us without family to call upon.
And later in life we realise that the only way we can have a family is by producing it ourselves.
But then it can be too late to start a family .
If you want a family then you have to produce it yourselv.
And remeber you do not have to get married to create a family.
The contract called marriage is not the only way to create family.
As usual, just my opinion based on my experience, and many, many conversations with young men.
…and apologies for the lousy speeling and gramah. I’m starting to thing that my spell check is as dyslexic as I am!
A Mantra repeated by more and more men as marriage becomes less and less beneficial to us. In the 70s, at the impetus of the modern day women’s movement, that was the path of a great many women. It inundated us, the media, society. Divorce skyrocketed as women unbound themselves, went out there to find an identiy beyond that of “his woman”. Women were sick of being “chattel” they said, but what they were sick of was the expected role of wife. They were sick of being chief cook and bottle washer and wanted a more equal situation. Well, today… Read more »
Good article.
My fear of loss of my assets / lifetime alimony is why I will never get married.
Stop paying attention to those studies that married men live longer and make more money than single men.
Most of those studies neglect the aspect that women tend to choose men for marriage who have healthier habits and more ambitions. These men would live longer lives and make more money even if they weren’t married.
There is a part of me that wants to fall in love. but it is too late. not falling in love and not being able to find someone to love, not having a kid will always remain a regret.
I just got divorced after 20 years of being with the same man. Now 43, childless and single, I’m at a loss. I did what you are “supposed” to do to ensure a happily ever after. Now what? I want a great romance but I will never even live with someone again. Being a mother, housecleaner, accountant to a supposed grown man is not something I’m willing to do again . Here’s to singledom!
There is great peace in being alone. Any time you doubt that, ask your married guy friends, or the recently divorced ones – marriage is simply the misery everyone wants you to join in because it loves the company.
Not gonna lie, i love the peace in being alone but no man or woman is an island. Life is better when you share.
Married. 16 years in May. I firmly believe you are wrong sir. Having someone to share my life with is wonderful.
I can see clearly that this is not entirely the author’s purpose on writing this piece, but I can’t refrain from commenting: after 8 years married, I’m ready to say, if I was to split ways with my wife, I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life than “sharing” with some other woman.