I’m sure my words are going to be controversial. People who write about narcissism like to use terms such as love bombing, flying monkeys, and gaslighting. But there’s a reason I don’t.
These words can cause confusion.
They’re flowery terms in the narcissistic community but misleading.
They are behavioral components of a narcissist. They don’t necessarily mean someone has a narcissistic personality disorder. As a journalist, we are told we have a responsibility to the reader. This means we need to be clear about the topic we are speaking about.
If I write about narcissists gaslighting, there’s the possibility I could confuse an individual. A lot of people struggle in unhealthy relationships. My words could be read by someone and they could lead them to believe they are with a narcissist.
But there are plenty of difficult people in the world. And it’s not uncommon to be raised in a home with disrespectful communication and argue with tactics that feel like gaslighting.
The article For Those Who Experience Gaslighting, the Widespread Misuse of the Word Is Damaging in Well+Good explains the uptick in the use of this term for psychological manipulation and how it is being misused.
I don’t use the word gaslighting because it’s confusing. I don’t want to use a highly misunderstood term because narcissism is a serious and complex disorder.
This word alone can make someone believe they are dealing with a narcissist. And while it is associated with narcissism, it doesn’t provide the full picture of a narcissistic personality disorder.
The aforementioned article goes on to say:
“Furthermore, victims of gaslighting need the understood definition of the word to be protected. Dr. Stern and Stamps both report that in their work, clients and patients who are trapped in gaslighting relationships rarely know they are being gaslit — and without having a clear definition of what the term means, that understanding is harder to achieve. “The gaslighter intends to sow seeds of doubt in the person they are gaslighting, hoping to make them question their memory, their sanity, their perception, their reality,” Dr. Stern says.”
Why don’t I use the phrase love bombing? In the world of narcissism, love bombing means a person shows an immense amount of attention and affection at the beginning of a relationship. It could be in the form of compliments, gifts, or dramatic gestures. Love bombing is manipulative behavior to gain control over another person.
Love bombing is a signature of an extremely unhealthy relationship.
But it’s more confusing than that. Plenty of relationships begin with a whirlwind romance. It’s the infancy of love where people can get caught up in one another. It’s not uncommon to want to spend all of your time together, do thoughtful gestures, or rave about a person.
Just because this happens does not a love bomber or narcissist make. It’s more complicated than that. It’s an often insidious journey that can be difficult to recognize because of the intensity of new love.
This is the reason love bombing is hard to distinguish.
A person may shower you with affection. They may demand all of your time. They may think you’re the one. They might end up being a jealous jerk who’s controlling.
Not a narcissist.
A narcissistic personality disorder is difficult to diagnose. It’s the reason even some counselors can’t identify it. It takes a qualified medical professional, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a highly specialized counselor in the area of narcissism. They are capable of deciphering this mental health disorder, gaslighting, love bombing, and flying monkeys.
The phrase ‘flying monkeys’ is rooted in The Wizard of Oz. Think Wicked Witch of the East and her manipulative tactics against Dorothy.
A flying monkey is emotional collateral for the narcissist. Narcissists will use others to take down an individual. In simple terms, it’s bullying at the highest level.
And what does a bully do? They lie, confuse, and gang people up on someone.
They seek to destroy because they have an alarming lack of self-esteem.
Does a narcissist employ flying monkeys? Yes. But once again, back to the confusing part. A lot of people are insecure, controlling, and mean enough to behave badly. Especially during an unhealthy relationship, a breakup, or a divorce. There are plenty of individuals who lie, cheat, confuse, and manipulate others to gain an advantage because they’re miserable, or angry.
None of those behaviors are normal or healthy.
But they don’t necessarily a narcissist make.
I don’t use gaslighting, love bombing, or flying monkeys in my writing. I believe they confuse the topic of narcissism. It alarms me because there are individuals suffering at the hands of narcissists who desperately need help.
They may not have the immediate resources to seek counseling, they may not understand who and what they are dealing with, or they may believe words that don’t fully explain a complex personality disorder.
They may see a counselor without specialization in narcissism.
This means they’ve sought help but still not gotten the proper guidance.
Narcissism is confusing.
Narcissists aren’t jerks. Narcissists aren’t difficult people. Narcissists aren’t outrageously behaving people. There are a tremendous amount of badly behaving people in the world.
Narcissists have a combination of identifiable narcissistic behaviors along with a critical and alarming lack of empathy. It’s what makes a narcissist abusive and dangerous. Empathy is the ability to feel the pain of another human being.
If you’ve encountered a true narcissist you will recognize this disturbing deficit.
I’ve written empathy-lacking examples here in My Conversations With a Narcissist — A few of our confusing, crazy, and controlling marital exchanges.
A narcissist confuses us.
Identifying narcissism is confusing. Love bombing, gas lighting, and flying monkeys are cluster behaviors along with other identifying characteristics and the lack of empathy. I’ve heard people say that someone who gaslights is a narcissist. Again, this alone does not make a narcissist. I don’t use these terms because they could confuse a reader and an individual could unfairly be labeled a narcissist when they could be an abusive personality, a difficult personality, someone with narcissistic traits, or someone with a different type of disorder.
I don’t want to add to that confusion.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Stacey Martin on Unsplash
