As I mentioned in the first post in this series, one of our six core needs is the need for autonomy, agency, and independence. We all want to feel we have some level of control and self-determination in our lives, that we can make our own decisions and have our own preferences and direction. In this post I want to look at why this is so threatening to a narcissist and how they work to disrupt it.
It’s a common refrain from people in narcissist relationships: why do they have to be so dominating? Well, it might be summed up in one short sentence: the need for power and control. As the wise Dr. Ramani says, one behavior you will generally see in narcissism/toxic relationships is being incredibly rigid (this is the R in her C.R.A.V.E.D. model). They feel (wrongly of course) that being rigid will give them the power that seems to elude them in life. This rigidity expresses itself as wanting to control you and everything in the relationship, from money to time to what you wear — and more.
When you think about it, who really feels intense needs to control things? People who sense they are out of control. Narcissists want desperately to feel that they are calling the shots in life. For some, this feels like it is eluding them. Thus they lean hard on those they can manipulate and control. For others, control is their fundamental operating system and they have organized their lives so that everyone dances to their tune.
Narcissists generally feel so ill-done by the world (particularly the covert narcissist), that it can seem like things are out of control for them. Why won’t people just line up and give them the adulation, riches and success they feel they deserve? Why doesn’t everyone simply fall at their feet because of their innate amazingness? And even if they have managed to accumulate material success, as some do, the thirst is rarely quenched and they will still see that the world owes them more. (I also want to mention that even if the narcissist is “successful” by consensus reality standards, they are generally not successful in terms of the whole of their lives. For example, having deep, rich, mutually loving relationships.)
And so, they control what they can, which is, all too often, you. And thus, by trying to deal with a narcissist, to “work” with them and adapt to the situation, you have to sacrifice your own need for autonomy and self-determination. With a narcissist you have to go along or pay the price, whether it is rage or a guilt trip (both are controlling strategies of course).
Typically with narcissists this starts small and you may feel you are going along because it doesn’t matter to you and you are simply being nice — or even that they are being nice. They may ask you to quit your job, saying “you work so hard, let me take care of you.” And from there decide that you don’t need a car, nice clothes, or a separate bank account. In this example, you don’t realize at first that the motivation is not to help you out, but rather, to put you in a position where you have lost your autonomy. And when control in a narcissistic relationship goes on too long, we can even lose our sense of what we ourselves want, prefer, and need.
This probably goes without saying, but healthy relationships enhance and help us fulfill our core needs, they don’t disrupt them. A good partner wants you to be autonomous and fulfilled. They know this makes you happy and it’s actually more rewarding to be with a happy person than it is to control them. Narcissists on the other hand? They never get this.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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