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A successful venture capitalist can distinguish between a company of true merit and one of false flash, yet fail to see the same in the woman he’s dating. An accomplished businesswoman can walk into a job interview thinking, They’re crazy if they don’t hire me, yet wonder if her date finds her worthy. And the seasoned golf pro can read an undulating green, but can’t make sense of his partner’s behavior.
How’s this possible? Why do smart, confident and successful professionals become stupid when it comes to romance? Why is it that we throw away our known talents, experience and skills is this particular arena of life?
We’ve been fed an odd fairy tale. We’ve been told that love is a “mystery.” Why do we desire a certain person, and not another? Psychologists and neurobiologists have struggled to decode the underpinnings of attraction, love and romance. Despite their findings, most of us chalk up the answer to fate. Or luck. Considered to be beyond the realm of human understanding, dating and mating provides an easy excuse to abdicate responsibility. Love is like catching a cold; it’s not our fault, it just happened.
Why is it that some people find love easily, and for others it’s more difficult? I believe the latter half forget what they already know.
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Love becomes a mystery when we isolate romance to a singular, unpredictable island all of its own. Told of its remote beauty and treacherous waters, it becomes the legend of stories fueled by those who’ve fallen victim to the journey. But along with the stories of peril and danger, real people who live in the real world find their way to love every day. Their tales are predominantly simple and straightforward. Oftentimes, the backstory to how they gained success in partnership is bland. They knew what they wanted and found someone who wanted that as well. They made certain decisions and followed the course they’d charted.
As a relationship expert, I continually see smart people reduced to confused idiots. Why is it that some people find love easily, and for others it’s more difficult? I believe the latter half forget what they already know.
My golf pro was lamenting a bad dating experience of late. His final analysis? He blamed himself for loving. “Loving” wasn’t his problem. The problem was that he threw away his professional brilliance by not transferring it to another platform — his romantic life.
You’d never partner with someone in business without doing your research. You’d know what you want, and why. Yet, we often enter the world of dating unclear about what we’re seeking.
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His error was partner selection. He chose to get involved with a woman who was the wrong choice for his romantic goals. It’s the golfing equivalent of making an error in club selection. In a tournament, he’d rely upon lifetime of acquired information. But because he was playing on the “course of love,” he lost all ability to think clearly. Dating her was like trying to use a putter on a tee shot. Just as each club is designed for a specific distance and purpose, so are the partners we choose. Knowing who can go the distance is the same mental assessment, whether it’s a person or a golf club. Merging the two worlds of knowledge is the goal for all of us.
You’d never partner with someone in business without doing your research. You’d know what you want, and why. You’d be clear on what they bring to the table and their contribution to your end goals. You’d know their mission statement. You’d study their track record and assess the value of their product/service vs. its inherent risk.
Yet, we often enter the world of dating unclear about what we’re seeking. We leave this part to chance, to fate or to the bizarre concept of going-with-the flow. We’ll get together with someone and be afraid to ask where he or she stands on specific relationship goals. We feel it’s invasive to ask about former relationships. We wonder more if they like us, than if we like them. We obsess over what they feel for us, but fail to ask how we feel about ourselves in their presence. We forget all that we know and wonder why we’re confused.
Admittedly, love can be complicated. The pathway to finding love is littered with challenges amongst its rewards. But this whole business of romance needn’t baffle us so. We can use the tools we have at hand. Instead of viewing love as the unfortunate whiplash of fate, we can bring all of our knowledge to this worthy venture. Love is not a mystery; it’s the mastery of all the skills we possess.
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Originally published at Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission.
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Dear Ms. Winter In American business, it is always win at costs ever since the rise of corporations after the American Civil War when you look at how business people have fought against the rights of American workers and if a business person displays those negative qualities that I have listed in their social form of Darwinism when dealing with their workers and society in general ere is an excellent chance of displaying them when it comes to trying to have date or having long term relationship. When it comes to ethics, business people have none. There have been studies… Read more »
Interesting on many levels, G. I’m a golfer. When I wanted to know about the character of prospective business alliances, i’d invite them to play at my course. A golf game can reveal more in in a few holes than all the reading of their documents or spoken words. I was able to see how each individual handled stress, defeat, challenges, and their sense of fair play (or not). Susan
> When it comes to ethics, business people have none.
I hope there aren’t any readers out there who would trust your thoughts after reading this.
Many professionals are so used to getting things their own way, they have forgot how to be team players, don’t know when to compromise, and like to win at all costs.
Hi G. I’ve read this sentiment a number of times in response to my article. And I’m wondering if that isn’t indicative of a certain segment of individuals, as business people, also function on a less ethical basis in general. Win/win is the new strategy. It’s the correct strategy to my mind. If one is comfortable with an abuse of power in business, a lack of compromise, being selfish and self-seeking… then that is a dispositional trait of the person. How one does anything is how they do everything. Thank you for your comment, and especially for your underlying sentiment.… Read more »