Why They Stopped Trying & How To Make Them Want You Again [Video]

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Transcript provided by YouTube:

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and then over the next few weeks you
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feel some distance
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now that to me Feels Right On Cue
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[Music]
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this was an email from rain
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who says hi jams big fan of your podcast
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and I can honestly credit Matthew for
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helping me secure my first real healthy
0:21
relationship I’m hoping you can all help
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me once more as I can’t tell if this
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stage of my relationship is normal or
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not I just made it to nine months with
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my boyfriend and noticed some of the
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attention I’d received before has
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started to lessen up until nine months
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ago I’d only ever dated F boys
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I’m Gonna Keep I I feel like I’m
0:45
enjoying the cleanness of these podcasts
0:47
so I’m I’m gonna eliminate the the swear
0:51
F of course stands for a fun Boys Fun
0:53
Boys that’s great yeah let’s go for fun
0:56
boys
0:58
I’ve only dated fun boys this is so
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PG-13 so I’m having trouble Discerning a
1:05
red flag from potentially normal
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behavior
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we both just turned 30 and were each
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other’s first serious relationships
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during our early dating months he was
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very consistent respectful sweet and
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attentive for instance he always wished
1:22
me a safe flight before trips remembered
1:24
important meetings or opportunities I
1:26
had going on and texted me before each
1:28
appointment to wish me luck followed up
1:31
on things happening in my life
1:32
Etc during month seven I went on a
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week-long trip to Europe to meet his
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family
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I’m the first girlfriend he’s ever
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introduced and everything went really
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well at the end of the trip he even
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asked me to move in with him when both
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our apartment leases are up next summer
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however the high we were on after the
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trip started to reduce and over the last
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three weeks he’s felt a bit more distant
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I’m not sure what’s changed we haven’t
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had a fight or anything happen out of
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the ordinary he’s been quieter and more
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reserved lately and when I asked him
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about it he says he’s fine he’s also
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stopped saying I love you and being
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physically affectionate though we’re
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still having sex regularly however I’m
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confused because I’m spending the
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holidays with him and his family and
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today he asked if we should extend our
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time in Europe for Christmas also as I
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was getting ready to leave his apartment
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late afternoon on Sunday he asked me to
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stay over even though we were sitting
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pretty far from each other in bed
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watching TV not speaking
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as I’ve only dated fun boys until now I
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don’t trust my judgment to know if these
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are red flags or if he’s just getting
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comfortable and doesn’t feel the need to
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put in the same effort to keep me I
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don’t want to be blind but I’m also
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unsure if it’s my anxious attachment
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rearing its head as guys become more
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comfortable in relationships how can we
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tell the difference between Comfort
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versus them losing feelings
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thanks so much for the work you guys do
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you are truly doing the Lord’s work for
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women
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and that is from rain great name rain
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you know when when you know that
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yourself that you can have some anxious
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attachment
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and some kind of natural a natural
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anxious hum
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and you then find that something shifts
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in someone’s energy
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either because of things they’re no
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longer saying or things they’re no
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longer doing or just things you don’t
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feel from them
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is it down to your anxiety and your
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anxiety is just making too much of it or
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has something changed that is actually
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worth worrying about I’m thinking about
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times if if I have had that
3:55
some maybe there there have been times
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where it’s clear that something’s on the
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rocks and feelings have changed
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sometimes if my Spidey Sense goes off
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for something like that it’s because
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I’ve done something that I haven’t been
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cognizant of and I’ve done something
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that’s upset someone or I didn’t know
4:14
something hurt their feelings and I
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forgot their birthday you forgot their
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birthday
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um so that can happen and and you can
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get like work yourself into a you know
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internal frenzy thinking oh [ __ ] like
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has everything changed and you know
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something happened or you know what’s
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going on and I’ve always hated that
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feeling of being in the dark about
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something like I feel I just need to
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okay let’s just get out on the table
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whatever’s going on if there’s something
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conversation we need to have if
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something’s going on if you’re worried
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about something I I hate that feeling of
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just watching something similar when
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your spidey sense is tingling so I I’ve
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got a lot of empathy for what rain’s
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going through and I think we we get
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scared of saying I feel this right now
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like I’m feeling this energy we are very
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very scared to do that because we feel
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like we’re going to set things on a
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spiral of getting even worse well I
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think and that’s the situation I think
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she’s in when you’re anxious
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the Instinct if you’re going to have a
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conversation is to be like look if
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you’re going to break up with me just
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say it right if you’re going to leave
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just tell me now just put me out of my
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misery you know there’s a there’s a
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anxiety that at its extreme just makes
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you want to like get bad news over with
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you know that that’s the extreme of that
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feeling but of course that kind of
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conversation that kind of communication
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is not necessarily productive for the
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relationship you know not to get
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personal but in times with us for
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instance where you’re busy and you’re
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not giving me as much sort of attention
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maybe as I think you normally would and
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if it extends to a period of time I’m
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always one for bettering to you like
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recently I’ve just been feeling a little
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bit XYZ and I think it’s about
6:07
communicating that in a way where you’re
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not
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um
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you know berating the person but you’re
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just explaining that you know you’re
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just feeling a little bit unloved or a
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little bit um
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you know I don’t know what the word is
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but you know what I’m saying right and I
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think
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sometimes just being able to
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get that emotion out on a table what it
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shows to the other person is that you’re
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not afraid to have that conversation and
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that you’ll always you’re always going
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to put your happiness and your needs
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ahead of the fear of them leaving I see
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anxiety as a
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a measuring tool that’s really valuable
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but also
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the the reader on it is really really
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really sensitive
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and the sensitivity of that of that
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reader is
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it can be a liability
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because it can have you not only picking
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up on things that aren’t necessarily
7:05
there
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it which by the way it will also pick on
7:09
everything pick up on everything that is
7:10
there because the reader is so sensitive
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that it will you will be right one times
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out of four correct which is why it’s
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hard which is why it’s hard because when
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you get when you are right the one time
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out of four or out of three you it’s
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very validating and you’re like this is
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why I need this reader
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this is why I need this because this
7:28
tell this this tells me when there’s
7:30
danger think about how important what
7:32
I’m about to say must be for me to
7:34
interrupt my own video well here’s why
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it’s important it’s going to change your
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love life and it’s free if you want to
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know why someone may have faded out why
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they may have disappeared why all of a
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sudden it felt like the momentum was
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lost with this person go to why he’s
7:51
gone.com where I talk about the main
7:53
reasons someone disappears go check it
7:56
out why he’s gone.com and now let’s go
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back to the video but when we’re high in
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anxiety it it also reads everything it
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you know it we it reads oh there’s an
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earthquake and someone just closed the
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door downstairs and you felt the
8:13
vibration of the door and it reads it as
8:16
an earthquake that to me is is anxiety
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and it’s what makes it both something
8:21
that protects Us and something that we
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start to worry we can’t trust
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so we are all we almost have to
8:30
do the counter-intuitive thing in those
8:32
situations which is to maintain a sense
8:36
of calm which is to maintain really
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strong communication and sometimes to
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try to have a wider lens on the
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situation so that our our demons don’t
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just take the wheel I almost want to set
8:49
a bit of context for this right because
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they’ve been going strong for seven
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months
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and then in month seven they take a
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week-long trip to to see his family
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now that’s a significant step for some
9:04
people
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that moment where you go and take
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someone to see your family if you
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haven’t done it in seven months and now
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you’re doing it then that probably means
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something to that person
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and then probably what’s happened if at
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the end of the trip he asked you to
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um to move in with him is probably
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because he
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took you home to his family and it was
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extremely validating
9:27
everyone thought you were awesome he
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heard amazing
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reviews
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and they said she’s really great I like
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her and when you hear that from people
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that you love and Trust
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is a big needle mover
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because you say oh I’m not I’m not crazy
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my radar isn’t off
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this person is great
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and so when you get that approval
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for someone
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it makes you want to double down on that
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person
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so then he said why don’t we move in
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together
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now that’s another big step
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so there’s that high there’s that
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excitement of talking about moving in
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together
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and then over the next few weeks you
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feel some distance
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now that to me
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feels not that it happens all the time
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but that feels right on cue
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the idea that he took you to meet his
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family
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you got even closer he said based on all
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the reviews that he wants to move in
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together because he was on that high and
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now all of a sudden
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he’s probably had a little bit of oh my
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god wow this is getting
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this is getting more serious
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and what you may be feeling from him
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is
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distance
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but what he’s feeling inside is
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this is you know all through my 20s I
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didn’t have serious relationships I’m
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now
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in a serious relationship and I know I’m
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in a serious relationship because my
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family have met her and everyone knows
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now that I’m in a relationship and we’ve
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talked about moving in together and
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that’s a really big step
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so there’s a good chance that he’s in
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his head
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right now that it’s not that he likes
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you any less in any objective sense
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or loves you any less
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it’s that he’s now got in his head about
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the big changes that are happening
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and by the way let’s Also let’s also
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remember
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if this is his first serious
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relationship
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then he also has not necessarily learned
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certain lessons yet
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about what it takes to sustain a
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relationship
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that after that initial excitement after
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that initial high that
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it has to be cultivated and you have to
12:03
continue to invest in the excitement of
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the relationship and he may not have the
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tools right now
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to be able to do that and you may not
12:10
have the tools right now to be able to
12:13
do that
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that doesn’t mean it won’t last it just
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means that you guys are still learning
12:19
those tools
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so what you’re reading from him is
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potentially not some
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some terminal loss of excitement
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but instead a kind of a feeling from him
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that wow this is serious
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that’s made me a bit scared you’re
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reading my fear as I don’t like you
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anymore or I don’t love you anymore
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but it’s just fear and I don’t know how
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to process it because I haven’t been in
12:51
a long-term relationship before and also
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there may be a little bit of I don’t
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know how to continue to cultivate the
12:56
excitement in a relationship after that
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initial uh dazzling honeymoon period of
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the first eight months when I listened
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to to this I just I just sense
13:08
that um she’s actually being too distant
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here and I just I don’t I’m not even
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interested in her communicating
13:16
um so much I’m interested in her doing
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like I’m interested in her like go try
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sitting next to him a little bit go
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ahead and try to create the culture of
13:23
your relationship you can’t like hey I
13:25
have this big meeting um just wanted to
13:27
call and say
13:28
um I love you hopefully you’ll wish me
13:30
luck you know just go ahead and set that
13:31
state and then when you’re in these
13:33
moments of of togetherness and and love
13:37
don’t stop treating him like a fun boy
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you need to like do the thing that you
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want to happen in your relationship
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whether it’s sex or intimacy or cuddling
13:45
and then just explain like oh my God I
13:47
loved that but I just think she’s kind
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of frozen so maybe she’s hyper anxious
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and sensitive to these things and she’s
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keeping a lot of track of it but I think
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it’s really she’s not doing anything
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she’s just she’s letting she’s following
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his lead and they’re both just
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out of their depth right now and I’m not
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sure what to do if you take Esther
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perel’s dichotomy Between Love and
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Desire and of course in her famous book
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mating in captivity she refers to the
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Paradox of Love and Desire within a
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relationship that love if you think
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about it when you first meet someone
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what’s driving you desire
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desire says there’s a stranger over
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there I think there’s something
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attractive about them I want to get to
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know them better and I want them to like
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me
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so desire starts to make the two of you
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magnets if there’s mutual attraction
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now the more you start to close down the
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mystery elements and the more you get to
14:50
know each other you start to develop
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feelings of love
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feelings of love start to bring you even
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closer together so it’s like love pulls
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you together
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and then sorry desire pulls you together
15:04
and then love magnifies that
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but love can keep magnifying that to the
15:10
point where all of a sudden there is no
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space
15:13
between the two of you
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and when there’s no space between the
15:18
two of you anymore desire gets
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suffocated
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when desire gets suffocated what’s left
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is just love
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and when it’s only love that’s left I
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think this is a very good paraphrasing
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of a vest apparel’s work when it’s only
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love that is left
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all of a sudden
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you are losing that mechanism that
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creates excitement that creates that
15:46
kind of visceral attraction
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when we first meet someone and we are in
15:52
those desire stages
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we are firing on all cylinders in terms
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of to coin the sort of the work of who
16:00
wrote the five love languages oh Gary
16:03
Chapman Gary Chapman
16:05
so to talk about the five love languages
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you know one of the things he mentioned
16:09
in his book is that in the beginning of
16:11
relationships you are just doing all of
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them all the time you’re buying gifts
16:16
you’re being thoughtful you’re touching
16:18
each other all the time you’re
16:19
complimenting each other you’re
16:21
literally just firing on all cylinders
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which is how create attraction and love
16:25
is created is that you make each other
16:27
feel so unbelievably special because
16:29
you’re literally trying to just
16:31
fan the flavor of the relationship as
16:33
much as possible
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and when you get comfortable or you
16:37
start entering the more sort of
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um
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you know loving and kind of the later
16:43
stages of the relationship I think
16:44
people do just
16:46
naturally kind of revert back to what
16:49
their
16:50
their sort of Baseline is when it comes
16:52
to those things and you know him being
16:55
really thoughtful and messaging all the
16:57
time before interviews and before
16:59
flights to me that actually speaks more
17:02
to that point which is that in the
17:04
beginning he was probably being overly
17:07
thoughtful because of where you were at
17:09
I think a lot of those early stages of
17:12
of sort of like outpouring a lot like
17:15
um a lot of energy into each other comes
17:17
from a place of making sure that person
17:19
stays and making sure that person likes
17:22
us and loves us and falls for us so once
17:24
we’ve got that the kind of um you know
17:27
the the drive to do it becomes actually
17:31
has to just come from a place of
17:33
character
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and I think there’s a there’s something
17:36
to that which is it can feel really
17:37
different from the beginning to a little
17:39
bit in
17:40
some of our
17:43
desire to keep treating our partner with
17:46
the same level of love and attention and
17:50
verbal
17:52
acknowledgment
17:54
has to be intrinsic right it has to be a
17:57
standard we have for ourselves
18:00
and I think that one of the things that
18:02
this situation has is two people who are
18:05
Young
18:07
and in their first serious relationship
18:10
who are learning that lesson for the
18:13
first time which is amazing
18:15
but it has to come from a place of as
18:18
you say character there has to be some
18:19
intrinsic desire to say I’m going to
18:22
keep the standard high in this
18:24
relationship by
18:26
um giving to my partner by acknowledging
18:29
them by telling them I love them by
18:31
reminding them how beautiful I find them
18:34
but the other side of that
18:38
is that
18:40
we that is that is much easier if our
18:45
partner takes responsibility
18:48
for stoking the Flames of that in
18:52
whatever ways they can
18:55
if if your intrinsic standard for
18:59
wanting to continue to give to your
19:01
partner on that level
19:02
meets an ownership by them
19:06
to continue to keep you Desiring them
19:09
that’s a really really good combination
19:13
so what I’m saying with that is rain
19:15
it’s not your job to give him an
19:18
intrinsic
19:20
character
19:22
that keeps his standards High that’s his
19:26
job to do that in a relationship it’s
19:28
your job to set the standard for him
19:30
that you want to be with someone who has
19:34
high standards for that
19:36
but you can take ownership
19:40
for saying I also want to be the kind of
19:42
person that
19:43
keeps his desire High
19:45
by doing whatever I can and this is
19:49
what’s interesting to me in terms of
19:51
that love desire model is we can take a
19:56
step back and go is there anything that
19:59
I could be doing to create more desire
20:02
in my relationship
20:04
a conversation that you have with
20:07
someone where you tell them that you’ve
20:08
noticed they don’t do these things as
20:10
much recently and you would like them to
20:12
that will improve the communication in
20:15
the relationship and that will be a
20:17
vulnerable act and and it will improve
20:19
the kind of sense of knowing each other
20:22
deeply but it won’t necessarily improve
20:24
desire
20:25
in fact for a lot of people it might
20:28
read us one more thing that they have to
20:30
do and one more kind of stress that they
20:34
have that oh I’ve I’ve now got to do
20:37
this and I’m doing it because I’m being
20:38
asked to do it which doesn’t make me
20:41
feel like I’m Desiring it it makes me
20:43
feel like I’m fulfilling an obligation
20:44
that doesn’t make it wrong to have those
20:46
conversations it just means that we have
20:48
to take responsibility for doing the
20:50
things that that create desire without
20:52
them ever knowing that we’re creating
20:55
desire like I joked with you Audrey I
20:58
was like
20:59
you you’re wearing a lovely outfit today
21:01
and I I joked because I was like you
21:05
having the conversation with me to let
21:07
me know that you’ve not been feeling
21:10
something from me recently and you’d
21:13
love it if I could work on that
21:16
will help because I have an intrinsic
21:19
desire to want to make you happy and to
21:23
want to have a great relationship
21:26
but
21:27
it will probably work just as well for
21:30
you to put on that outfit today
21:33
that’s so true that’s kind of what I was
21:34
trying to get at where it’s like you can
21:36
do so much with just that little note
21:39
you said Audrey’s wearing a nice dress
21:40
today and that kind of just like makes
21:42
Matt forget about whatever else might
21:44
scare him also I think that when you go
21:46
out and you know someone’s wearing a
21:48
nice it’s like I really believe in the
21:50
power of just going
21:52
going out leaving the house go out
21:56
together
21:57
you know let him witness you being
22:01
witnessed by other people even if it’s
22:03
just even if it’s just a walk you could
22:05
go out and walk around the neighborhood
22:06
like this is an interesting one last
22:08
Ester point which is you can
22:11
go on a walk and just talk together and
22:13
that’s very much love right that’s the
22:15
coming together but if you decide to
22:17
wear those yoga pants on the walk that
22:19
look a little bit spicy and you just
22:22
walk by some other people and like you
22:24
realize like oh she just got attention
22:25
from that other person like those yoga
22:28
pants just created all kinds of desire
22:30
and then suddenly you have the best of
22:31
both worlds you’re getting close and
22:32
connected on the walk and also she got
22:35
some spicy yoga pants yeah because the
22:37
lion comes out again yeah he’s like hey
22:40
you know what is someone just someone
22:42
just looked at her oh she’s attractive
22:44
oh she’s like this person that’s desired
22:47
out there in the world as a stranger
22:49
these people that don’t know her
22:52
they feel immense desire because she’s a
22:54
stranger to them
22:56
I the you know what may have changed is
22:59
simply this person’s not a stranger
23:02
to me but that doesn’t change how
23:04
desirable this person is
23:07
but put a lion in a cage for too long
23:11
and it stops acting like a lion and
23:14
that’s what it is sometimes to sit at
23:16
home all the time with someone and to
23:18
like I said you may go on work trips but
23:21
that’s not the same thing if you go on
23:23
work trips and then you’re at home
23:24
together and and you’re sitting around
23:26
it’s still you’re still not bringing out
23:28
the lion
23:30
um so and that lion is what got him to
23:33
this point by the way
23:34
that lion that desired something that
23:36
wanted something that was like my family
23:39
like you that you know that that must
23:41
mean that you’re as wonderful as I think
23:43
you are I better move to the next stage
23:46
of this let’s move in together
23:48
that’s that’s the lion talking
23:52
um and it’s about bringing that
23:53
continuing to bring that out and of
23:55
course I don’t want to take
23:56
responsibility away from him it’s also
23:58
about the communication that makes him
23:59
realize that there’s a standard you want
24:01
for the relationship which is that the
24:02
two of you keep trying for each other
24:05
wait before YouTube sends you down the
24:08
rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos
24:10
or videos of large crocodiles on Florida
24:15
golf courses I have something that will
24:17
help your love life more than these
24:19
things and it’s at why he’s gone.com if
24:21
you want to know why someone faded out
24:24
why they were giving you attention and
24:26
all of a sudden they stopped this guide
24:28
shows you go to why he’s gone.com and
24:32
then enjoy
24:33
your baby bear videos

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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