One time, Will Smith and Kevin Hart were on a talk show. The host did an experiment with the audience: Everyone had to write their worst fear on a card, and then Will and Kevin would help some people overcome it.
The first candidate was a woman named Galia. Galia was afraid of feet. “Any feet. My own, my friends’, any. I don’t want to look at them, see them, be touched by them…”
Will goes first. What advice does he have to offer? Will is a man of action, and so, instead of talking, he proceeds to take off his shoe. “This one’s easy. We’ll fix this right now!” he yells. “Galia! Come down here and confront your fear!” The audience bursts out in laughter, but Galia looks terrified.
Luckily, before Will can take off his sock, the host passes the baton to Kevin, who must have used his extra minute of prep time well, because what he tells Galia is one of the most profound pieces of advice I’ve ever heard:
“You can’t take steps in life without feet. Your fear is prohibiting you from progression. The minute you can look at feet and understand they are simply what moves you forward, you will put your fear behind you.”
Galia looks happy, the audience goes crazy, and even Will is impressed. With a keen eye, fellow guest Naomi Scott remarks: “Will’s advice was like medicine, and Kevin’s was like therapy!”
“Behavior change is identity change,” James Clear says. It’s true, but it’s not a one-way relationship. Your habits and your identity are two liquids in the same pot: They both affect one another.
If you take an action often enough, even if it takes a lot of effort, eventually, you’ll see yourself as “someone who does that thing.” Run every day for a year, and you’ll introduce yourself as a runner. Publish an article each week, and you’ll become a writer. Say no to a thousand cigarettes, and you’ll call yourself a non-smoker. If you act repeatedly, you’ll accept — and deserve — the role of the actor.
On the other end of the spectrum, a single thought or event can flip your identity 180 degrees. If you crash your car, the thrill of speeding might disappear overnight. A diabetes-death in the family can make quitting sugar much more urgent than it seemed to be. And when you just started dating a gym rat, exercising will be a lot easier. Identity leads, habits follow. It works both ways.
Therefore, when you want to make a change, you can lead said change with action or with perception. Which approach you need when depends on who you are, where you are in your life, and who you’re around at the time.
The problem with medication — or “action first” in this case — is if you’re too scared to take the one you need, your chance of failure will be 100%. Galia wasn’t ready to touch a stranger’s foot, and so whether it would have worked does not matter. A perfect action is of no use to a person unprepared to take it.
Therapy and coaching, on the other hand, are treatments you can sustain however long they take until they shift your identity; until you’re ready to try something new. They too can be frustrating and send you in circles, but as long as your brain gears keep spinning, tomorrow might provide a breakthrough.
Kevin reached Galia by inviting her to try a new perspective. “Step over here. See? Now, this situation looks different.” A new opinion is less threatening than a new action. It’s easy to try on because you can drop it instantly if you don’t like it. Maybe, however, it’ll fit like a glove, and then it’ll be very powerful. You’ll feel as if you made the leap all on your own, even if it was handed to you on a silver platter. You’ll gain remarkable conviction.
Kevin gave Galia a new way to look at the world. The feet she feared were not just an empowering tool she could leverage, no, they were essential to living a good human life. Where will Galia’s journey take her from here? We’ll never know, but it’s not hard to imagine nowhere but up.
The next time you’re scared of taking an important action, remember there’s more than one way to change a habit. Bulldozing it into your life is not the only option; medicine is not the only treatment. Why not go to therapy in your head? Try being your own coach. Test-drive a new opinion, or pick another set of binoculars. Read a book. Ask a friend. Call an expert. Give yourself a chance to change your perspective.
To paraphrase Kevin’s advice: The minute you can look at your fear and understand it’s the very thing moving you forward, you’ll put it behind you. That minute will feel big in the moment yet small in hindsight — but even if you don’t think twice about it, it still might change your life forever.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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