—
“It is a scary time to be a man,” is a sentiment I have seen expressed quite a bit and have spent much time poking holes in.
While I know this to be a belief shared amongst many men, and while the pushback against “the patriarchy” and “toxic masculinity” is strong, the truth is, as men, we are needed, we are loved, and there are women who are standing for us. It can be very challenging to hear this in the face of the anger coming our way, but it is true.
I have studied relationships and communication for over 20 years and have developed myself into an excellent listener. An important element that I teach is that effective listening is not just about the words; it is being able to hear the need being expressed, the experience of that person and what they want to have happen.
Even before I get into the reading between the lines, there are women who are proclaiming their love for men, their desire for us to show up, their acknowledgment that our masculinity opens up their femininity and their commitment to helping us in our healing.
For the women who are expressing themselves from a place of anger, their frustration comes from a deep desire for us to show up. They recognize that we play an important role and they want us to be present. Though they have not experienced this from us, they instinctively know, that we can do it.
As humans, we tend to focus on the negative, we tend to listen from a place of “we are doing it wrong,” and we can very easily slip in to “why bother?”
While most men I interact with get that I am imparting information and tools to help us all win, there are still those who take what I say as criticism and get defensive. I understand that if my delivery, which I put quite a bit of care into to not have that effect, elicits that response, then someone coming at them full-force with anger, will definitely send them into protective mode.
I listen to women, they show up in my inbox, and they express many of the same things to me: They want us, they need us, and they appreciate us because we get things done. We build things, we provide stability through our grounding nature, we provide safety with our protective nature, we have a depth that comes from our concept of honor, we plant seeds, we hunt, we lead and, currently, we have influence. Women desire our stability, they are turned on by our vulnerability, and they crave being penetrated by our love and deep sense of humanity.
When we explore partnership instead of control, when we take on leadership versus resignation and when we recognize and begin to heal ourselves, amazing things happen: Women relax, feel safe and open up to us.
What is the healing that we need?
This can be very personal and may vary from individual to individual. However, some common themes I have come across are: acknowledging that we have thoughts and feelings, looking at the shame we carry around, looking at where we consider ourselves failures and shifting away from suffering alone by turning towards each other.
The world needs us to discover ourselves as the deep, thoughtful and powerful beings that we are. The world needs our ability to consider, to observe and to take rightful actions. The world needs our inherent warrior spirit—not for fighting, but for our determination.
There are women, and men like me, here in the world, who are excited to guide us in these directions. I invite you to take this journey.
You get to decide what is best for you and where your journey takes you; one of the amazing things about developing as a man is that you get to move in the direction of your instinct.
My journey involved training in the Martial Arts to develop my confidence and deepen my sense of virtue. My journey also involved taking personal development seminars that had me look at my life and get clear on where I wanted to go. I have done a fair amount of therapy, I have read books and listened to audiobooks about relationships and success, and I have studied Tantra, yoga and 5 Rhythms/ Ecstatic Dance.
The best part is: the more I have done this work, and the more I have shared my experiences (thoughts and feelings) with the women in my life, the more welcoming and appreciative they have become.
To my brothers reading this: know that you are needed, know that you are desired and know that support is available to you.
—
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