One of the cringiest things to me is people asking Reddit for seemingly simple dating advice. To a point where I often get confused if the original poster is genuinely this naive or dense. Or are they just trolling to get some attention for the day?
Just look:
I don’t know. Did you? Learn to think for yourself.
Yeah, stay with him, sis, he seems like a well-adjusted man.
WTF!? Why is this a question?
THEY’RE NOT THAT INTERESTED.
Again, NOT INTERESTED.
**Sigh**
There’s plenty more where that came from.
Can people not go with their gut instincts anymore? Do people lack common sense?
I’ve made mistakes, sure. But FOOL ME ONCE. I never make the same mistake when it comes to dating, and neither should you.
Trust your own heart and natural human instincts, always.
Follow your heart and natural human sharp intuition. That instinctual hint that this is not where you should be, this is not who you should be with, and your heart is at risk. If you have to question it, that’s where your answer usually lies.
What do science and biology say?
The validity and reliability of intuition as a decision-making tool is a subject of ongoing debate among psychologists and other researchers.
“Never apologize for trusting your intuition — your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.” — Rachel Wolchin
There is some scientific evidence to suggest that the gut, or more specifically, the gut microbiome, may play a role in influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Okay, but we knew that, right?
Apparently, the gut is home to trillions of microorganisms that help regulate many bodily functions, including digestion, metabolism, and immune system function. However, more recent studies have also suggested that the gut microbiome may directly impact the brain and nervous system and can influence our emotions, mood, and decision-making.
Holy shit.
There are certain gut bacteria can produce neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which are known to play a role in regulating mood and behavior. The gut microbiome may influence our social behavior, including our ability to perceive and respond to social cues.
So what this all means is that our gut instincts and intuition may be influenced by the complex interplay between our gut microbiome and our nervous system. The whole body as a whole is such a delicate tool we use to survive, and every facet of it must be understood and treated with TLC.
My Stories
I’m going to give you a couple of stories of when I didn’t go with my intuition and follow my heart. I used to toil around with sloppy-eyed ambivalence and instead thought with a piece of anatomy as opposed to logical thinking — a trap I would imagine many men have fallen into.
I know this doesn’t apply to everyone, but I want you to be prepared and save time. My experiences aren’t reflective of how everyone else should feel; however, I’m sure some of you will relate to one or two of the stories that I’m sharing with you today, and I’m hoping there’s some real value here.
Story 1: “It’s too early to commit.”
There was once an instance when I was dating this great woman. However, the first time we got intimate. I expressed to her that I have a rule that if I’m physical with someone. I’m only going to date her, and if she feels the same, we’ll date exclusively and see what happens.
She agreed and said, “You know that you’re the only person I want to sleep with.” So I said, okay, that’s fair. We went on to four other dates after that. But what I found interesting is that trying to get a hold of her and trying to spend some time with her was becoming increasingly difficult because she was always so strapped for time. What was even more interesting was that she was working part-time. And she was living with her parents. So, where was all of her time going?
My intuition told me she was seeing someone else or other people. She just didn’t have clairvoyance enough to tell me the truth. On one occasion, she was over at my house and showed me a funny meme that one of her friends sent her. And as she was scrolling through her text messages to find the meme, I saw a glimpse of a message with the contact name of “hot doctor.” So after she showed me that meme, I remained calm and said to her:
Me: So, who’s “hot doctor.”
Her: Oh, he used to be my “friends with benefits” guy; now we just text each other every now and then.
And it was at that moment that I immediately knew that not only was she texting this guy. She’s probably sleeping with him, too.
So I turned around, and I said,
Me: “So, am I the only person that you are seeing?”
Her: Actually, yeah, you’re the only person I’m seeing, but I’m talking to other guys.”
That’s how I felt!
And it was at that moment that I was reminded of the realization that some people really ain’t shit. She literally got away with a technical with the semantics. In order to absolve herself from basically being slightly morally bankrupt. There was nothing wrong with what she was doing if she was honest. If she were honest, I would have walked.
“Don’t go against your inner knowing. Just don’t. Trust yourself.”
― Maria Erving
Story 2:
There was a situation once where I was dating a girl, and she wasn’t bad by any means but she really didn’t have a lot to say. It was as if I was trying to get blood from a stone. At one point, I asked her if she feels like her job has helped her character grow? (She was an RN). She responded, “I don’t like these kinds of questions.” Then I asked her if she had any questions for me, but she didn’t. After the first date, I left, and I remember thinking, “I’m not gonna be texting her again,” and then she hit me up and said, “I’m just really awkward, I get really uncomfortable on first dates you, know? Can you give me another shot?” So in my mind, my gut instinct tells me this girl is just not a good fit; she can’t even have basic human communication with you. Don’t waste your time. But I did. On the second date, I kind of got something from her, but nothing really that made me compelled to see her again. Well, I’m a bloody clown, so I agreed to a 3rd date. She planned it and insisted that I go over to her house for some drinks.
I went there. And it was fascinating because it got to a point where she just didn’t want to reveal any personal information. She didn’t want to tell me about her life. She didn’t want to tell me the kind of guys she’s dated; she didn’t want to tell me what she was really looking for. It was just a waste of time. And my gut instinct told me from the get-go that it wasn’t gonna work out with this woman, and I ignored it once again.
“Perhaps the most important thing we can ever do in our life is to find a way to our intuition.”
― Ivan Erenda
Story 3:
There was another situation where I had made plans to go on a date with a great lady. The crux was texting her was filled with too many instances of inconsistency. I would text her in the morning, and then I wouldn’t hear from her the next day, or I would text her. And then, I wouldn’t hear from her for a day and a half. So I thought to myself, “I’m done with this chick” the day of the date came.
She bailed.
She gave me some excuse about family in town blah blah blah blah blah.
So I think to myself, “all right, this one’s a wash.”She asked, “Oh, are you free tomorrow or the weekend?” So I thought, if she’s trying to force an actual date, a second opportunity, I’m not an asshole, so maybe this is how it’s supposed to be. The time of the second date came, and sure enough, she bailed 2 hours before the second date because she had a meeting or something like that, and I told her, “look, you seem really busy, when things change, let me know.”
She didn’t even respond, which meant she wasn’t really that interested in the first place. To this day, I will not get why she was insistent on trying to see me for a second date or why she was insistent on communicating with me because I knew, I knew that this girl was going to flake again.
“Follow reason but don’t ignore that gut feeling. We create reasons with our limited knowledge and experience, but gut feelings often come from universal knowledge.”
― Debasish Mridha
Your experiences are your data:
Your gut is your data, your gut instincts. Your historical data tells you to look deep inside your soul. Your soul tells you, “this is what you’ve dealt with before. This is what’s happened in the past learn from it” I want you to take people as they are, I want you to see every single person in a positive light; however, it might happen again. You have to be emotionally prepared for that.
Be very, very careful.
Now, there are a few ways you can combat this:
- You can just be upfront and honest and say, “hey, to be quite honest, I’m not really sure how I’m feeling about the date tomorrow. You’ve been a bit inconsistent with your texts and if you’re not interested just let me know. I won’t take offense”. Give these people an out because they want to be nice people. What’s funny, though, is even when you try and give someone an out, there’ll be insistent that they want to see you when they’ll most likely bail. At least you know that you’ve tried to do everything that you could possibly do, in order to make sure that this date happens, right?
- Ignore your gut and keep making the same mistakes with the same kind of clowns who don’t respect anyone’s time but their own.
- Just ignore them. If you contact someone and they don’t text you till a day and a half. Move on. They’ll always be some lame excuse. Just ignore them and know that this person is just kind of a waste of time to be quite honest.
You must never ignore your gut instincts when it comes to any kind of dating because your gut instincts will always, always tell you the truth.
“Feelings do not always determine truth, but they can sometimes tell you what is true.”
― J.R. Rim
I have a bonus story for you right now regarding a situation where I ignored my gut instincts (Yet again).
I’ll never forget it was at a museum. And she had Season Passes there. And as we walked in, the receptionists said: “good to see you again, you guys really like this place.” And I remember thinking, “Oh no, I’m a black dude, which means that. She was in a situation where she took another black guy there”. I didn’t even say anything because I didn’t want her to catch on to the fact that I knew this is her spot for first dates. This is what she does; she takes people to the gallery with her Season Pass. She’s that much of a serial dater. I’ll be honest with you; she was a significantly attractive woman; we actually really got on well, so I ignored it. We planned for a date the next week, so I was excited. I’ll never forget the day after the first date. I had gone into a coffee shop, and sure enough, there she was with another guy, her hand in his lap. I wasn’t even mad. I knew what time it was.
Thanks for reading!
T.H.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
