You Are Only In Love With the Idea of Them

I saw “Jill’s” social media posts today. My head is finally clear after almost two months of no contact. My friends were right. I don’t like her as much as I thought. Upon seeing her recent pictures, she barely even meets my standards as a lover. My addiction to her stemmed from my divorce followed by another romantic rejection. I felt extremely lonely during the pandemic and was desperate to lean on someone emotionally.

I initially thought she was the perfect girl. But after seeing her in person a few times, I realized she was the opposite of what I pictured. The person I couldn’t get out of my head for weeks was fake. She was merely the substitute for my fantasy.

Sometimes you fall in love out of the craving for a sense of hope, purpose, and a place for your heart to land on. You manufacture extra feelings out of the need to love and be loved. That potential partner could be almost anyone. It’s not the person you’re obsessed with but the idea of being intimate with another person.

It’s dangerous because not only are you setting unrealistic expectations for the person you’re smitten by, but you’re giving up more power than necessary to someone who you don’t actually like as much as you think. To avoid falling into the romanticizing trap, you have first to become more emotionally independent.

Cultivate an abundant solitary lifestyle

The natural reaction to the fear of being alone is to swipe, swipe, swipe — the quick fix. Love becomes your universe. Even if you do go out or focus on your career, it’s done with the intent to look busy and attract someone wonderful. Here’s where the mindset has to shift — when you’re single, romance comes after your dreams, bucket lists, and social life. Let love come to you. Chasing implies feeling desperate. Trying too hard will cause you to settle. Once you get your single life up and running, you’ll stop concentrating entirely on finding someone to complete you because you already feel whole. Excite yourself.

Look for love within

We’re obsessed with dating. It’s somewhat pathetic. Because that craving for external love often comes from the lack of self-esteem. The next time we wake up on a chilly morning missing our ex or daydreaming about someone we’ve just met a few days ago, remember none of these people will ever be the answer to our happiness. Often, they’re a setup for future disappointment. We’re the only reliable person in our lives, the only one willing to offer unconditional love, the only one who will always care.

Reassess someone’s worth rationally

When we catch feelings for someone, every detail about them becomes more interesting. Even their name on our phone stands out. In a group picture, they shine the brightest. But it’s all subjective. We’re merely controlled by our emotions. Removing that bias is difficult. They’re more ordinary than you think. Ask your friends. Rationally compare them to your ex’s or other opposite sex around you. Often, you start to realize that they don’t stand out all that much. You’re just caught in the moment.

You like them because you need them

Do they really make your heart beat fast? Or are you overthinking about them? Are you falling quickly because you need somebody to love? Or do they meet your standards as a partner? If a big part of your affection for them comes from your neediness, then it’s best to pull back and work on yourself first.

—

This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything