You Can Have Compassion and Boundaries

The purpose of therapy is not to remove suffering but to move through it to an enlarged consciousness that can sustain the polarity of painful opposites.

~James Hollis

All too often the world has a distinct tendency to point us in an either-or direction. We’re told we get one thing or the other, life is sacrifice, and to want it all is crazy, selfish, or extremely naive. You simply have to choose, and, in essence, suck it up that you can’t have the other side. It’s something I hear from my clients who are or have been targets of narcissistic abuse. For example:

I want to put my foot down with this person and stand up for myself ~ BUT ~ they have had such a hard time in life, I understand why they are unpleasant / abusive, etc.

I want to go “no contact” ~ BUT ~ that just seems mean and will hurt them.

I want to do _____________ (because it is something I want or need) ~ BUT ~ isn’t that selfish and therefor makes me the narcissist?

Again and again, the target chooses for the other person, because the perceived pain of not having compassion (or being accused of not having compassion) seems far greater than the pain of not having the life they truly want and deserve. So they live half a life, giving up parts their own soul and essence for the sake of one thing that feels critical to who they are.

But I don’t believe we are actually meant to choose. I believe this is a false dichotomy, even though endorsed by much of the world. Instead, in the words of James Hollis, we need to work towards an “enlarged consciousness that can sustain the polarity of painful opposites.”

The useful and challenging question thus becomes not which one will I choose, but rather, how can I fully embrace both? What would it look like to have all my compassion, kindness and understanding, and have clear boundaries with the takers, users, and abusers in my life?

Choosing one or the other takes less initial effort but the costs are high. Figuring out how to honor both is more complex, but the payoff is huge. In fact, I would say that honoring both sides of any polarity may be an inquiry that takes years. But when I have seen clients undertake this exploration, it is clear they are on the path to freedom.

This doesn’t have to feel hard. It can be an orientation to how you go forward in life, like learning to ride a bicycle. Did I lean too far to one side? Ok, let me try leaning towards the other. Did I fall off and repeat old patterns? Ok, let me get back on and recalibrate.

As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke advises: Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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