Sometimes my job makes me a bit of a voyeur, or at least an eavesdropper. This happened again on the weekend when I overheard a conversation at a concert I was at. The gist was that the husband had promised his wife that he would take care of something and didn’t. She was icily demanding the contact information for the other party so she could take care of it herself. He was pleading his good intentions to handle the situation. She wasn’t buying because apparently this has happened before. As a result, the wife was both hurt and, now, mistrustful. You see, intention without action is grounds for resentment, frustration, and discontent in your marriage.
There is a famous saying about intentions and the road to hell. It holds true in your marriage as well. No matter how well-intentioned you are, if you don’t honor your word, you lack integrity. That may sound harsh, but it is the truth. Now there are real reasons for not taking the action you promised—car accidents, heart attacks, acts of God—but that isn’t why most promises aren’t kept.
The reason for good intentions not coming to pass is because something else took priority. Yes, it is that simple. And the message that gets sent is that the person you told you would handle something isn’t important enough for you to remember to actually do it. What matters to them and what you promised to do on their behalf takes a back seat to whatever is top on your agenda. The more often you put your convenience and desires ahead of what you promised, the worse your relationship is going to get.
There are two ways out of this destructive pattern. Either stop saying you will do things you won’t or keep your word and do them—without needing to be reminded. The way to engender trust is to be trustworthy. And since trust is the foundation for a healthy marriage, I recommend adopting both behaviors.
People make the first option much more difficult than it needs to be. Don’t agree to something you don’t agree to, no matter how much your spouse wants you to. Yes, this will be uncomfortable for you both. Yes, you might be seen as selfish because you’re not willing to partner with them in their request. But that will happen anyway if you don’t do what you said you were going to. At least you would be standing in integrity by refusing in the first place. Your partner is then free to choose how they want to handle your decision. This is probably the result you were trying to avoid by agreeing in the first place but adding hurt and anger to their disappointment is not a benefit to you or your relationship.
So, what about the other option—following through on the commitment you made to your spouse? This creates a win-win situation. Your partner wins and your marriage wins. It also follows that you win as well. Wouldn’t that be worth the usually small effort on your part to act on your intentions?
One of the challenges of marriage (but also a benefit) is to make room for someone else in your life. To not just think of yourself but of the person you promised to share your life with. Marriage is a chance to be part of something bigger than just you and your desires. So, go ahead and do the dishes, call the plumber, plan something without the kids, handle your mom, leave work on time, whatever reasonable request your spouse is making. You will grow as a person and be appreciated by your spouse.
Honor your commitments to each other. The more often you do it, the easier it gets. Your intentions will align with your actions which is the very definition of integrity. The payoff? You and your marriage will be much better for it.
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This post was previously published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished here with permission from the author.
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