Your Insecurity is Killing Your Relationship

I am sure that you must have heard this statement before: You can only love someone else when you truly love yourself first.

But why is there so much fuss about it? And, what does it mean? (I’ve got you covered!)

Let’s begin with what does it mean to be insecure in a relationship?

Does any of the below statements sound familiar?

My nose is too big

My height is too short

I am not pretty enough

I am not earning enough

I am not cool as their friends

I am not sure if am good in bed

My partner earns more than me

I am not good at texting

My partner is too hot for me

I am not as good as their ex

Get the hint? And the list goes on…

In simple words,

Relationship insecurity means that you are not sure that the other person will choose you for who you are and therefore, fear that they might eventually leave.

Now, let’s tackle the second part: Why is being insecure such a big problem?

It makes you behave like a crazy detective holding a magnifying glass over every move of your partner; you need constant reassurance about their love and availability and if that does not happen, you overthink all the possible ways in which they are either deceiving you or cheating on you.
You become a Sarcastic neighborhood aunty politely passing berating remarks at every possible opportunity you get.
You behave like a pet dog overly dependent on its caretaker and would get extremely jealous if anyone else comes close to your hooman!

Common sense alone will tell you why these behaviors are problematic. If not, I will tell you. YOU ARE BEING TOXIC TO THE OTHER PERSON. And sooner or later, they will get tired of you.

SOLUTION?

Self-Dependent:

You will have to reduce your dependency on the other person and reassure yourself that you are enough and that even if one relationship ends, there are plenty of other good partners out there. (If you do not think that is true, you have not explored enough. It’s a fact!)

Learn to Differentiate: (HARD WORK ALERT!)

You will have to be mindful of your thoughts because this step requires you to assess if your partner is not treating you right or if are you just over-analyzing. It is very hard to do it by oneself in the beginning, so I highly recommend talking to a therapist. But if that is not possible for you, then

· pick up books and start reading about insecure behaviors in relationships,

· identify if you have any

· learn about strategies to deal with them

Love and Patience are the keys:

You cannot improve in just one day. It takes time, correct information, and consistent effort. So, hang in there, surround yourself immensely with books, videos, and podcasts that help you learn new thought and behavior patterns, and cut out anything toxic that hinders your progress. Do not kill yourself for making mistakes, offer yourself some love, and know that growth demand patience.

And lastly, the GOLDEN WORDS:

Instead of worrying about whether the other person would like you, focus on whether you like them. Do they belittle you for how you look? Do they make fun of you? Do you feel disrespected around them? If yes, run away babe. They do not deserve you.

And this is why the age-old wisdom stands true: You need to love and accept yourself first before loving someone else!

TATA!! Have a good day.

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Thanks for reading.

Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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