An old friend was talking to my husband last week about what happens to a lot of men when they get into tough conversations with their wives. That moment when they don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything. He’s a fan of John Gottman, a guru in the marriage and relationship field, so he’s familiar with the Four Horseman of relationship communication: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He wanted to know if this freezing during a conversation is the same as stonewalling.
According to Gottman, stonewalling is when one person withdraws, shuts down and closes themselves off from a conversation or argument. Someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, tunes out, turns away, or focuses on some other activity. This happens because that person is overwhelmed, often by their own emotions.
Freezing can look the same but has a different cause.
Often men who are accused of stonewalling haven’t turned away or pretended not to hear. They are there, in the moment, but are at a complete loss of what to say or do. This is often the result of being surprised, not disinterested.
But, if their wife says their stonewalling it must be true, right? Nope.
I once overheard my husband say that he could never win an argument with me because I’m a therapist and a woman. I make my living with words. And I can overtalk him, though I try not to do it anymore.
Yes, I might win the argument, but I would lose my marriage. A price I’m not willing to pay.
Freezing happens when you’re put on the spot. You’re asked to address a big topic when, moments before, your mind was focused on something else. You’re barely aware of what’s being said to you, yet you’re supposed to have a coherent, meaningful, and involved conversation.
Your wife wouldn’t begin the conversation if she hadn’t already given the topic some thought. So, you start off behind and probably never catch up. Which trains your body and brain to dread it the next time it happens.
The solution is to take a breath when it registers your wife is speaking to you. Then take another one before you reply. If you are not completely sure what she said say, “honey, I didn’t catch all that. Could I hear it again?’
Now, here’s the important part. If you’re not prepared to tackle that subject then and there, don’t.
Instead, say; “I understand there’s a desire to talk about [the subject] and I want to give it the attention it deserves. I am not able to do that right now. How about we talk about it on [day]”
You’ve acknowledged her desire to talk about something that matters to her. You gave yourself time to register that you aren’t in a position to have that conversation at that moment. And, most importantly, you indicated a willingness to have it a time when you are more prepared.
Freezing is what happens when you don’t give yourself the time to prepare. It’s like coming off the bench, stepping up to the plate and trying to hit the first ball you’re thrown.
Using the above technique is like a batter stepping out of the box and taking a couple of practice swings. He steps back in when he’s ready to face the ball.
Stonewalling is when you refuse to get in the game. Repeatedly.
But, if you learn the rules and practice them, you can play in the major leagues.
What makes you freeze when talking to your wife? Share with me by email or put a comment in the Good Guys, Great Husbands group and I’ll respond personally.
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Previously published on foundationscoachingnc and has been republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: on iStock