John McElhenney lays down some simple, sensible ground rules for healthy relationships with divorced fathers.
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A woman who goes by the name “Lucky” responded to one of my Single Dad Wants posts with a moving and impassioned comment that’s too long to reprint here (scroll down for it). As I was writing my response, I realized I was writing my next post about relationships. So I moved my answer here.
Lucky, I really like your comment. Your man, your divorced dad, is lucky to have someone so understanding. And while I only have limited experience with being on the dad’s side, I do have a little knowledge of what you speak.
There are plenty of single parents who use their kids to get out of almost every obligation. Even obligations to themselves, for say … exercise, dating, taking responsibility for their own actions. And I have been the dad who apologized for checking his phone when a text dinged while on a date. I don’t think I will always do this, and there are certain moments when the phone definitely needs to be turned off, but while my kids are still pre-college, I’m at least going to make sure there is no emergency. That’s the deal with me.
When the text dings and it is, in fact, one of my kids … Well, at this point I have several options.
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But then there are my boundaries with both my kids and my ex that I have to enforce as well. I am available 24/7 for emergencies. But when the text dings and it is, in fact, one of my kids … Well, at this point I have several options.
Let’s take this from the perspective of a first date, rather than a developing relationship. In a first date you are trying to make an impression. That “best behavior” should be the model, within reason, for the relationship going forward. Certainly things change as dating evolves into a relationship, but let’s take the first date as our benchmark for good behavior, especially on the divorced dad’s side of the dinner table.
Scenario 1: Crisis
If the issue is a crisis that requires a response, I will apologize, explain the situation briefly, and respond with a text or phone call. From that point on, please treat it as an unexpected emergency. Everyone’s agenda and desires take a backseat to the first aid and trauma response. (“Your daughter has fallen on the playground and needs to see a doctor.”) And beware that many requests can be setup like a crisis, (“Dad, I need my science binder by 3rd period tomorrow—I left it at your house.”) when they are actually poorly formed requests. Your willingness to let these types of requests presented as emergencies affect your plans can tell a lot about healthy boundaries and good parenting skills.
Scenario 2: Request
The text could be a request from one of the kids or the ex. “Dad can I go home with Kate after school today?” And depending on the situation, you can choose to ignore (The discussion that evening: “You needed to ask me the night before, because I’ve already got plans.”) or respond. But it’s not a crisis. And if you ignore it no one will be hurt. Frustrated perhaps, but not hurt.
Scenario 3: The ex drops the ball
“Dad, I need someone to pick me up after the cross-country meet, and I can’t reach Mom.” Things happen. We make mistakes. And between strained ex-parents, there can be some manipulation and control going on. Let’s assume the best. In this scenario, the kid needs a ride. Whatever the situation, the Mom is incommunicado—a problem that might need to be addressed at a different time—and a solution needs to be provided. “Okay, count on me to be there if we can’t get your Mom to respond. I’ll keep trying her, and you do the same. But of course, go to your cross-country race, and we’ll figure it out.”
Kids can be the easy way out. I’ve done it. I’ll probably do it again.
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Scenario 4: I’d really rather …
Kids can be an excuse to get out of anything. Sorry, but it’s true. If your divorced dad is always breaking plans because his kid is sick, getting an award, has a recital … Well, you might want to see why you’re no longer a priority. Don’t let his kids become an excuse. Make sure the two of you have a chance to establish enough rapport that you can ask, “Dude, if you don’t want to go to this event with me, just say it.” Kids can be the easy way out. I’ve done it. I’ll probably do it again. Sorry. It’s often easier than a confrontation. But if you’re avoiding the confrontation because “his kids need him all the time,” that might be the issue right there.
Scenario 5: Kids as an excuse
This is similar to number 4. When used in relationship, the “excuse” is often used to recover from a miss of some sort. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you last night. The kids got home and all hell broke loose.” That might be okay, if your call was just a “nighty night” check-in, but if you were scheduled to talk about living arrangements, that might be an example of using the kids as an excuse for not taking responsibility.
Scenario 6: Playful kids will only be kids for so long
Kids are our singular priority as parents. As I move into a relationship with another woman, I know that too will become a priority. I’ve never really gotten past the dating phase, so I personally haven’t had to cross this bridge. But I do know, that I push back on my kids all the time. They ask, they demand, they whine, they want all kinds of things. That’s what kids do. And I know that if I have an opportunity to play with my kids, at this point in my life, I’m going to choose that, whenever possible. But in a primary relationship I also want to play with my partner. Married couples face the same challenge, and the balance between these two desires of mine is more about respect and courtesy than it is about being divorced or not.
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As a divorced dad I do understand that my kids are a priority. That’s a given. But kids can be used as an unhealthy defense mechanism as well.
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As a divorced dad I am just now entering in a new dating relationship with a woman who does not have kids. I can feel the pull. We have already had moments of “oh shit, your kids are there, I’m sorry …” and “don’t worry about the kids, they are in their rooms studying.” If I try to imagine her point of view I’d be projecting, so I’ll stick with mine.
As a divorced dad I do understand that my kids are a priority. That’s a given. But kids can be used as an unhealthy defense mechanism as well.
And as I have stated that I didn’t think I’d be interested in dating a woman who was not a mom, I’ve had to revise that statement, based on new information. My fear about dating a woman without kids is more about boundaries and time management. It’s not about her being a mother or not. It’s not about her wanting more of my attention or not. The issue is my management of my relationship with my kids and my ex-wife and her.
I can use the kids to get away with murder. With a divorced mom as a date, I know that she will understand when the kids trump our plans. However, with a date who is not a divorced mom, the same rule applies. Kids might trump our plans, but I am always willing to talk about it. And I am perfectly capable to make decisions based on a requests and a crisis in the moment.
My goal then, is to keep all requests out of crisis-mode. And keep all boundary discussions about us and not the kids.
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My goal then, is to keep all requests out of crisis-mode. And keep all boundary discussions about us and not the kids. The real answer is: As a single parent I have responsibilities to my kids that will trump all plans 100% of the time. However, I will never use those same responsibilities to disrespect you or avoid my commitment and responsibilities to you. An emergency will be evaluated on a case by case basis, and I will always attempt to let you know the real story.
I will try to say, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m just tired and I don’t want to go,” rather than, “Oh, they moved the parent-teacher conference without telling me, and I need to bail on the opera.” I’ll simply say, “Sorry darling, I don’t like Opera.” We can take the negotiations from there.
Never use your kids as an excuse, unless you simply need an excuse. But don’t make your kids the reason not to explore a new life, a new relationship, and the new intimacies that may open up a whole new future for you and them, eventually.
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
back to Positive Divorce & Co-parenting
Dating a Divorced Dad Series started here:
- What A Single Dad Wants In the *Next* Relationship
- What the Single Dad Wants – 9 Months Later (an update)
- The Three Essential Elements of Love
more related posts:
image: dance, incase, creative commons usage
Using ones kids as an excuse is not good. Man up! It’s really transparent anyway. Y’all can’t keep your stories straight about which nights you have the kids, which nights you saw them and which nights you had something else. Whoops!! Come up with something that doesn’t exploit the kids and take advantage of a woman’s good nature. LAME.
I am dating a single dad. He has two wonderful children. His daughter is having issues with me. She doesn’t understand why her father needs me when he has her. The man I am dating is torn. His daughter is 13. She has always treated me with respect and I wouldn’t have known there was an issue if he hadn’t told me. Now I am hurt and I feel guilty. Do you have any advice?
Ah, I’m on the other side of this one. My daughter is 13 and she’s okay with my fiancé. Not great with her. But that’s between us. I have a relationship with both of them. My finacé can focus on our relationship and let me handle the relationship with my daughter. I’d love them to be best friends, but it’s okay if it’s just cordial. My daughter is losing a lot: exclusive access to me, more attention, sharing me with another woman, not her mom. The issue with the kids should be between him and his kids. You focus on… Read more »
Your fiancé is losing a lot too (exclusive access to her husband without children, more attention, sharing you with two other women – not her daughter and a stranger). Don’t forget that, or take that for granted.
I would assess that either a) he’s using her as a commitmentphobia decoy or b) the daughter has divorce guilt as if the split happened because of her. Many children of divorce have this. Or a combination- maybe he doesn’t understand these things. The fact that daughter’s behavior betrayed nothing makes it sound like a non issue blown up to express a commitment fear.
My divorce attorney has finalized everything, and I’m now in the single dad club. Would you recommend jumping into the dating pool right now, John? I’m trying to figure out what the next best step is; I’m struggling. Luckily, my kids are still very young, so I’ll be able to spend more time with them.
Alex Jennings |
Hey Alex. Take the time you need to get centered and connected with yourself as a single dad and your kids as they transition into the new family dynamic. I’ve got a lot of thoughts about dating after divorce on the blog. Glad you are done with the legal stuff. Happy single parenting.