My past sources who I am, the man I’ve become. That being said, I don’t wish my childhood upon my fiercest opponent. Dad scared the hell out me when I was a little boy. I was terrified to my soul. Whatever I did or didn’t do only got him so angry at me. My childhood, my past was the no-win scenario. I was Dad’s greatest disappointment in life. I was not good enough for Dad. I was not good enough for anyone, especially me. I was just not good enough. Period. I spent a good deal of my adult life proving that I was good enough, proving that I was good enough to be loved.
I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I train in Aikido with Ishibashi Sensei to enter what I fear, get under what I fear, and open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I learned to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not.
Aikido Founder O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I overcome me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me.
We’re all made to be happy. That’s our inherent human design. Still, being happy takes a lot of work, a lot of practice. The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Happiness is a lot like getting a black belt. Both require work and dedication. Neither comes for free.
I put my head down, put in the work. I give up being right and making others wrong. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over, and over again. Ishibashi Sensei reminds me that I can always be better. I always have something to fix. That is a possibility, not a curse. I work on being the greatest that I can be. That’s always good enough. I can live with that, too.
Can I be grateful for my past, for my abusive childhood? No, I’m not fucking stupid. Well, not entirely. Lady MacBeth said, “What’s done cannot be undone.” The past is the past. I can’t change the past. My past has an upside and a distinct downside. The past is my Yin and Yang. Therein lies the balance.
I’m not grateful for Dad scaring me to my soul when I was 8 years old. As a little boy, I was so angry, sad, and powerless. I saw my friends’ Dads. I so wanted what they had. Many years later, I did Transformational Training with the late great Jerome Downes, who taught that I can choose what I have. I have power in that. My Dad was my Dad. I love Dad for who he was. Not for what I wish he could be.
Yet, to become the man that I wanted to be, I had to find someone to guide me. The universe was kind and benevolent: The late Mizukami Sensei became my Sensei. Sensei taught me Aikido, what it is to be a good man, and to be of service to others. He created the space for me to succeed, fail, and evolve. Sensei was a father to me. In many ways, he saved my life. I am forever grateful to Sensei. I love him.
In Aikido, Sensei said, “Wait it out. Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going get away scot-free. It’s one time.” That wasn’t only meant for the 250-pound man punching to my face, that was his life lesson. I take a glancing blow, take a hit for what’s meaningful to me. I have to risk myself so that I can have a meaningful life.
According to the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Second Noble Truth is the source of suffering. My abusive childhood was my source of suffering. I can’t change my past. The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. I can find my path to end suffering.
I’m not grateful for my source of suffering, my abusive childhood. I accept it. It happened. I survived. Although my experience drove and inspired me to become the greater man, I’m not grateful for it. Again, I don’t wish my childhood upon anyone.
I am grateful for the people, who contributed to me on my path to end suffering: my late Mom, the late Mizukami Sensei, Ishibashi Sensei, Lance Miller, the late Chuck Judge, John Inamine, and others. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over, and over again. Although, my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more and more of my fear. I free me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. I’m grateful.
I’m not blindly grateful for all that happened in the past. I am grateful to those from the past and present, who inspired and helped me become the greater man, the better person. Yeah, my past could have been better. Then again, whose past is perfect anyway? I’m just asking.
The past is the past. I can’t change it. “What’s done cannot be undone.” Still, I’m forever grateful to those I love, who believed in me, gave me faith, and helped me become the greater-than version of myself. They have nothing, but my mad love and respect. Above all, I am forever grateful to them.
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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
