Life After Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca is NO JOKE. I went into the world of psychedelics as a total newbie. Prior to ayahuasca, I had only briefly tried micro-dosing psilocybin. Was it scary? Yes. Was it worth it? Yes.

I didn’t go into the experience looking to get high and trip my ass off. Although that byproduct was awesome, it definitely was not my intention whatsoever. If you’ve ever read my posts, I have a ton of depression and anxiety going on. So obviously, that was the reason for my embarking on that journey.

If you’re curious about my experience with ayahuasca, check out my post.

After getting home from Costa Rica, life felt very overwhelming. I mean, in my week at the retreat, I was isolated in a great setting. The environment had a healing vibe and I was surrounded by like-minded people. All 70 or so of us were there for similar reasons. We wanted to know more about ourselves.

With the phone back in my hand, the internet at my fingertips, and real-life back in action I was incredibly scared. It felt like I walked into a brick wall. However, I noticed subtle shifts in the way I viewed things. Whether my views about little things like anxiety about being in crowds subdued or larger ideas about the definition of the real world became different.

Philosophical Changes

For example, I began to think about my sentence from earlier about coming back to real life is overwhelming. My new thought process is like this, which is the real world? Was Costa Rica more real than anything I’ve ever experienced? Is my real world just what I’m accustomed to?

All of these questions began to arise. They’re all so new to me. Things that I never questioned were suddenly…for lack of a better word, questionable.

It made me think that technology is the death of us and I’m just slowly allowing it to kill me. Becoming so grounded and seemingly with nature made me wonder how far from natural we have become. My normal life is so far from normal it is sickening to me now. Living in 2023 America leaves anyone kind of handcuffed to conform to this idea of normal.

Self-Love

Aside from my new philosophical thoughts, I noticed I am much more in touch with myself. With that, I am far more in love with myself. The idea of self-love is incredibly foreign to me. I am incredibly self-critical and really beat myself up over the small things in life.

However, after my ayahuasca experience, I can catch the negative thoughts that have been knee-jerk reactions my entire life. When I would normally chastise myself for making a mistake, I can picture myself as a 5-year-old from my trip and just be kind to him. It’s not our fault that this world and culture have made us impatient and self-critical. I realized that we need to allow ourselves to make mistakes and take them as growth.

Being the perfectionist that I am, or was, never allowed me to understand mistakes and imperfections. Now I take them more in stride.

This Wasn’t A Magic Cure

Sure, going into the experience I heard a ton of major success stories and was hopeful this would be my magic cure. It wasn’t. I still have horrible days and weeks. My anxiety hasn’t gone away. That said, I have more presence of mind to be better equipped to handle these thoughts.

Final Takeaway

I have realized I am someone worth having around. These self-criticisms and negative self-talk chip away at who you are and who you are trying to become. With a little nudge from my experience with this psychedelic in the jungle, I’m now able to reason with these terrible thoughts!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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