We all have to deal with assholes in our lives. That’s just life. Sometimes, that asshole is me. I have my own Come to Jesus Meeting. I’m responsible for being an asshole. That’s all on me. In the bigger picture, I do have a say in what goes on inside me. When I’m that asshole, I give up being right and making others wrong. I forgive myself for being the asshole, for being selfish, for being all about myself. I let it go. I do that over, and over, and over again. I train to become the better man, the better person.
The biggest asshole in my life was Dad. Since I was little, Dad scared the hell out of me. Whatever I did or didn’t do made him so angry at me. I wasn’t the son that he wished for. That made me so very sad. Instead of being sad, I got angry. Being sad only meant I was weak, too.
I got angry at my late Mom because I couldn’t get angry at my Dad. If I did, that would end very badly for me. Mom had unconditional love for me, so she took all my shit. My greatest regret in life was getting mad at Mom, and giving her such a bad time. I was young, stupid, and so very afraid. Later, in my 40’s, I apologized to Mom for my unkindness. She got it. She got me. Mom always had my back. She was always my Hero.
When Dad terrified me, Mom said, “Jonny, slow down…” Still, being the young stupid kid, I yelled back, “I know!” As I grew older, I got it. Mom wanted me to calm my soul. She was reminding me that things will work out. Mom stayed with me.
Over 30 years ago, I began Aikido training with the late Mizukami Sensei. I started Aikido with something to prove: that I was good enough. I knew that deep inside I wasn’t. I was the asshole. Sensei got it. He got me. Sensei gave the space to be me, to invent the greater-than versions of myself. For the first time in my life, I was free to just be me. That was love.
I’m Godan (5th degree black belt), because of the late Mizukami Sensei. He stayed when I was the asshole. Sensei was a father to me. He taught me Aikido and what it is to be a good man. He gave me his grace. Although Sensei is no longer on planet Earth, he still stands by my side and lives in my heart.
In Dad’s twilight years, we spent a week together salmon fishing in Alaska on the Kenai River. No longer the frightened little boy, I was Dad’s protector; he was under my watch. I gave him the space to be himself. I stayed with Dad. The great love of his life was fishing for sockeye salmon at his favorite spot on the banks of Kenai River. Dad graciously shared that with me. He shared the best part of himself. For that, I’m forever grateful.
Dad was a good, decent man, who suffered abuse from his father when he grew up. Dad suffered far worse than what I suffered from him. I forgave Dad for being afraid, and for not knowing how to raise me. I forgave Dad for being imperfectly human. I forgave myself for being imperfectly human, too.
In the bigger picture, I’m thankful that Dad stayed around. Staying and not leaving the family was his way of saying, “I love you.” I loved Dad. I hope that Dad is at peace. That he’s fishing at his favorite spot on the Kenai River. Rest in peace, Dad. I love you, too.
Perhaps the greatest gift that I can give someone is the space for them to be themselves and let them know that I’m staying. I love someone who can sometimes be all about what they want, what they want to do, be about themselves. Albeit, unaware to them. They want to control the narrative. Still, I love and protect them. I stay with them.
I have nothing to do with what goes inside another person. I do have a say in what goes on inside me. I continually work to become the better man, the better person. I let go of I’m not good enough. I keep my heart open. I generate the space for them to be themself, to be imperfectly human, too. I stay.
We love the people in our life. We love the asshole, too. Sometimes, I’m that asshole. Just saying. In life, I give those I love the space to be themselves, free to be. In the end, they choose who they are going to be. I stay. Just saying. Amen.
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This is a powerful statement of being empathic to recognize the generational abuse that we receive from our loved ones. The ability to see these effects that cause “our assholeness” and be able to forgive those that bestowed this characteristic onto us and be able to forgive ourselves is truly a gift. When we step back and observe the big picture, we see the love that holds us together. Jon, thank you for sharing this beautifully written story of love and forgiveness.
John-Michael Lander
Thank you, John-Michael for you kind words. I can only work on myself. Hopefully, in doing so that frees others, including the “assholes”, to work on themselves, too. We bring each other up together. Just saying…