In American Express: The Story of My Song with Billie Eilish, Billie Eilish and her songwriting partner brother Finneas O’Connell discussed making their Platinum Record selling song, Birds of a Feather. They worked for nearly a year on that song which is included on their album Hit Me Hard and Soft.
Billie said, “For music, my whole thing is that it’s for the listener to decide what it means… It really doesn’t matter, as long as you interpret it however you need to.” Describing their songwriting partnership, Billie and Finneas said it’s never competition. Billie said, “Best idea wins.”
That’s what makes Billie and Finneas’s songs so special. They create their art for others to find themselves within. I’m the biggest fan of Billie and Finneas. Birds of a Feather, about loving someone “till the day that I die”, is one of the great pop songs of this era. At least for me.
I have nothing, but mad love and respect for Billie Eilish, who creates her authentic art with her words and music. I create my art with words, only. We create our art for others. Let them decide what to do with it. Therein lies art’s intrinsic value in having something that speaks to us. A message that becomes uniquely our own.
I self-published a book and write posts for The Good Men Project with my editor Lisa Hickey. That’s my art. I write about my life: Aikido, my abusive childhood, my journey with depression, and the lessons I’ve gained. Really, I’m just some guy talking. No expert. No master. I don’t teach. I don’t preach. Hopefully, I intentionally do neither.
In 35 years of Aikido training, I’m Godan (5th degree black belt). I teach others Aikido, because they gave permission to be their Sensei. That’s a responsibility and privilege. In my writing, I transparently get that no one gave their permission to teach them anything. I’m as authentic as I can be. I do my best to serve someone out there, who could have been me, who might have suffered as I did. I have mad compassion for others and myself.
In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. Since I was a little boy, Dad scared the hell out of me. I feared deep inside. Whatever I did or didn’t do only got him so angry at me. I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone, especially me. I feared inside that I’m not good enough, that I never would be.
The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism is the source of suffering. My abusive childhood was my source of suffering. That was in the past, my past. I can’t do anything about the past. Lady MacBeth said, “What’s done cannot be undone.” In no way, does my abusive childhood make me special or entitled. Others have experienced far worse than me. Others less.
The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On my path to end suffering, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I find my path to end suffering in Aikido, in therapy, and in writing.
In Aikido, the late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train.” It’s not like I have to get somewhere or be someone else. Sensei said, “Wait it out. Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to ge away scot-free. It’s one time.” Whether the bigger stronger man punches to my face or life strikes full force, I take a glancing blow, take a hit for what’s meaningful to me. I give my life meaning.
Mizukami Sensei taught Ishibashi Sensei and me. Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” I enter the attack, enter what I fear. I get under the attack, get under what I fear. I hold my position. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I free myself. I’m free to be me. I find my quiet inside.
I work with my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I forgave Dad for not knowing how to be a father, for being afraid inside, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too.
On The Good Men Project with my editor Lisa Hickey, I write about loving myself for who I am and forgiving myself for who I’m not on my path to end suffering. Maybe, what I’ve gotten throughout my life helps guide others in finding their own path to end suffering. That they see what’s possible. That’s my sincerest wish.
In the bigger picture, I create my life as my work of art. It’s perfectly imperfect. My art is in my words, in what I do, and in who I am. Like Billie Eilish, I create my art so that others can decide what it means to themselves. They interpret and use it for what they need. Really, that’s all that matters. People can take what’s useful and discard what’s not. They can use that to create their own art, create their own lives.
We’re all made to be happy. That’s in our inherent human design. Still, being happy takes some work, takes some practice. Nothing comes for free. Use what has value to you. Discard what doesn’t. You decide. You invent your life.
Have a meaningful life, a life you’re proud of, a life you love. Can you find your path to end suffering? You decide.
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Photo by stefan moertl on Unsplash
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