#1 Stop Trying to Save Them. Stop Trying to Change Them
There’s this idea of the drama triangle.
Drama needs certain ingredients to exist and operate.
The drama triangle is when there’s a victim, a predator, and a savior.
Those are three roles that we all can play at times. They can be dangerous when we get sucked in playing them.
- The victim is someone who relinquishes their responsibility for saving themselves.
- A predator can be real (person/people) or it can be in the form of oppressive situations.
- The savior is the person who attempts to save the victim.
However, the victim doesn’t want to be helped. They want to be saved.
The difference is huge.
Those who want help will be helping themselves. But those who want to be saved are toxic.
They don’t want to do the work. They don’t want to sacrifice what they have for what they can get.
And the idea of being responsible for their lives isn’t exactly exciting to them. And even if they are saved, there’s no shortage of predators in life.
It’s just a matter of time before another catastrophe befalls them.
And it’s not healthy to always be saved instead of developing your own strength to help yourself out. Giving up your personal responsibility is equivalent to giving up your personal power and strength.
But not all actually victims want to be saved
Some want to stay where they are although they are in a shithole.
Why is that?
Because there are secondary benefits and privileges to being a victim.
Those benefits and gains come at a high cost, but playing the victim role is about being okay with paying those high costs.
As a victim, you don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to shoulder any responsibilities.
After all, you are a victim, what can you do?!
And you can easily get attention and sympathy. People will find you excuses and not expect much of you.
For a while, you can get away with some stuff and not be held accountable. The biggest price you pay, however, is your personal strength. Anything can level you and take you out.
Are you a savior?
Now, the toxicity of the victim isn’t what I want to discuss at this point.
I am not trying to educate you about the victim’s mentality to help you get rid of it.
What I want to warn against is the tendency to try to save the victim and then getting sucked into the role of the savior. That’s not only a losing battle but also a toxic dynamic that’s a hallmark for a toxic relationship.
Toxic people can come in the cute shape of a victim.
And you might want to save them and end up not only disappointing and hurting yourself, but also you will make your life and theirs worse.
Yours by fighting a losing battle and draining yourself. Theirs by enabling them and taking some of their responsibility from them.
Some toxic people can play the victim role very well.
They are always in pain and are suffering. Yet, they are not able to make use of any piece of advice.
Even saving them doesn’t seem to be working. It’s just a matter of time before another catastrophe befalls them.
And somehow, it’s all out of their control and there’s nothing they can do.
Even your good suggestions about what you think they should do seem to be worthless.
So, you sometimes end up doing the work for them or finding excuses for why they can’t do the work themselves.
And they just keep spiraling downwards, despite your ‘genuine’ attempts to help them spiral upwards and have a good life.
Or they just keep treating you poorly because they can’t do better.
I am not against helping other people when they are struggling
But there’s a difference between trying to help someone and trying to save them.
If someone refuses to be helped, stop helping them. If someone doesn’t want to change despite their shitty situation, stop offering help.
It becomes toxic when you are trying to save someone from their deepest shitholes against their will.
It’s like trying to change someone. It never works. The desire to change has to come from within; otherwise, it is manipulated and not genuine and therefore won’t last.
Stop enabling them by excusing their obviously demoralizing behavior.
Stop offering them help when they won’t take it. Stop taking their own responsibilities as your own.
Stop trying to change them. And for god’s sake, keep in my mind how difficult it is to change your own self, let alone others.
And oh, stop getting your sense of importance from feeling deeply needed by somebody else!
That’s toxic, too.
You will live your life putting off fires and putting up with unnecessary drama.
#2 Recognize the Useless, Soul-sucking Conversations and Don’t Participate
What’s the purpose of having a conversation?
And what makes a good conversation?
A conversation is a dialogue, a discussion, and a way to orient/reorient our thoughts and feelings.
A good conversation is one in which you are oriented properly as a result of the quality of the discussion and the dialogue.
That is, a conversation that makes you a better person. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it makes you feel better. Some are actually hard and heavy. But the final result is your betterment.
So, all in all, a conversation is just a tool that can make you either a better person or a worse one.
There’s a reason therapy exists! Therapy is an attempt to have a conversation that will hopefully unlock and untie something within you, as far as I am concerned.
And that can’t happen with low-quality conversations.
In fact, low-quality conversations can be the reason we need therapy; they can be the reason we get hurt and have wounds all over our emotional bodies.
Think of abuse. Think of all the psychological issues that can arise thanks to the malevolent conversations we engage in.
Don’t underestimate the power of words.
So, the useless, sucking conversations are the ones that drag you down.
And toxic people usually engage in such conversations
Why?
Because they are easily able to engage in low-quality, toxic discussions and dialogues (well, usually monologues, to be honest).
Why?
Because those toxic discussions and monologues match the toxicity that is present in their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
And, not surprisingly, those conversations have the negative outcome of disorienting and troubling you.
Don’t engage. Don’t participate. Ignore. Ignore more.
Usually, toxic people will try to provoke you. They will try to engage in these types of conversations.
Some of them have nothing to lose.
But you do.
And there’s nothing to gain. Choose your sanity; pick your battles carefully.
And remember this. The quality of the conversations you have has a great impact on the quality of your life.
(Note: the quality of the conversation is about how much truth each individual is telling or is trying to tell.)
#3 Don’t Defend Yourself or Justify Anything
Here’s a little trick to help you win arguments.
Attacking is better than defending when you are sure the other person is just out to get you.
In other words, don’t justify yourself or defend your situation when someone is only interested in tearing you down.
Instead, attack.
When you try to defend or justify, you are taking yourself to a corner where you can be easily defeated.
They want you to go there because there they can beat the hell out of you.
Let me explain.
Their accusations and attacks direct the conversation towards a place where they have more power than you.
And once you start going in that direction, by justifying and defending yourself, you are already in the wrong neighborhood.
Don’t go there in the first place. Stay right where you are.
The fact that they want to take the fight to another neighborhood should be enough evidence that they are less powerful right here.
Stay where you are and get leverage. Or play their same game and direct the conversation towards a place where you have more power.
This means attacking. Attacking usually means bringing the focus back to the bully and their flaws.
Shed a light on one of their flaws instead of defending yours.
And if you can’t think of a flaw they have, here are a few: the fact that they are trying to project their own insecurities onto you. The fact that they are trying to boost their ego by picking up on others. Or maybe the fact that they want attention.
Anyway, don’t defend and do tell them to go and get a life!
Yes, you can use this phrase. It works so long you keep the focus on them instead of what they are trying to make the focus of the conversation.
Get a life, fucker!
Well, you don’t always need to use the word fucker.
And sometimes it’s wise not to.
Why?
Because when you attack back, you don’t want to sound too aggressive, for it can communicate insecurity.
Your attack needs to be calm yet strong.
Make it too aggressive and you will sound insecure and give the bully a chance to get back at you.
Calm and strong; that’s it. However, calm doesn’t mean timid. Calm means a fair demonstration of confidence. And that’s what makes toxic people go crazy.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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