First Impressions Are Overrated

Just the second time going out since the pandemic, I hiked with some new pals. It was just me, a girl, and her girl friend. First meetings aren’t always awkward. It really depends on the personnel. After scrolling through her social media page the day before, I felt a little nervous. They were both married cuties. Still, even for platonic friends, seeing somebody of the opposite sex can be uncomfortable for the first time.

I arrived 20 minutes late. I saw two Asian girls leaning down by the entrance of the trail. Looking slightly impatient — understandable.

Having two girls wait for me at the very first meeting isn’t exactly a dazzling move. But they seemed nice about it, so we moved on.

Long story short, my introverted nature kicked in and the 3 musketeers slowly faded into a girl-girl conversation as I faded into a bystander. Occasionally, we’ll ask each other a question to check-in. By the time we waved goodbye, I had realized that it didn’t go as I expected. I never immersed myself in the interaction. I should have been more outspoken, I thought.

Oh well, at least I didn’t try too hard.

When I was young, I used to bring my A+ game into every conversation. Eager to reveal the best parts of myself, I would subtly sneak impressive stories and achievements into the conversation. I always felt I had to show them the best version of myself to be liked. First impressions were life and death.

But by putting too much pressure on performing, I usually became more nervous and needy. I tried to mold the conversation into the way I planned, making it inorganic, and even more awkward.

It’s taken many years, but I finally subconsciously feel comfortable enough to stay quiet despite what the new acquaintances think of me. I no longer reach for compliments and make blatantly deliberate jokes.

Today, at one point, she asked me what other sports I play other than golf. I replied, “basketball.” I said I’m more of a homebody. It’s not something that people love to hear, especially girls. But that’s all I am and all I can be — and all I need to be. Whether someone else accepts it is out of my control. And frankly, none of my business.

We always try to over-prepare for a perfect date, perfect first meeting. We forget to simply live in the moment. The best version of ourselves isn’t the one that we create in our minds and reenact in front of others. It’s the one that doesn’t think about what he or she is doing at all times, and just be.

Don’t think, don’t plan, just roll

Trust that our subconscious mind is always pointing us in the right direction. If it doesn’t think something is a good idea, it won’t tell you to do it. Let that machine do its work and stop worrying about the outcome. Believe that whatever happens is happening for us, not against us even if we said something wrong.

Sometimes we wish we were the same outspoken and humorous person that we always are with our friends, but our mouth feels stitched in front of them. Don’t fight that. Or mind and body are simply responding to the stimulus. We feel that way because something about the other person is making us so. Go with that flow. If we try to compensate and force-feed the conversation with our idea of how we’re supposed to act, confident and bold, we start creating a less comfortable atmosphere. We feel more nervous.

There’s more pressure to perform and maintain a particular image.

The bottom line is, just freaking let it go.

When we’re able to relax and stop trying, everything will take care of itself. We might connect with them seamlessly. It might also feel like there’s magnetic friction between you two. Whatever it is, it brings truth to the moment.

Some people meet me and look confused. I’m not what they’re used to, so they’re hesitant to connect with me. Then, some will see me and feel intrigued because I’m different from everybody they know. Some will back off because I’m so quiet. Some are curious to know who I really am and what I’m thinking. It’s all about fit.

Many of us blame ourselves for others’ not paying us enough attention, thinking that we aren’t good looking enough, attractive enough, confident enough, or funny enough. We really need to understand that the lack of interest is purely a matter of compatibility. You don’t need to be more. You only need to be yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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