How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Friendship Paradox

Birthday parties? Not my thing, especially my own. But this year was different. I invited my gay friends, hoping my best friend would make it. Alas, a health scare kept him away. We’re at that age, mid-50s, where life throws curveballs.

No harm done; it would take more than a party for our friendship to go stale.

And yet, I haven’t seen my best friend for over a year except for the customary greetings online over birthdays and Christmas.

I take responsibility for not showing up. Even before the pandemic, there were years when I would disappear, yet my best friend knows when I’m ready I would one day show up and we would be where we left off.

Post-pandemic had been worse, it seems none of us really got back to the groove or was it just me?

But now that we are in our mid-50s, sometimes the thought of not being able to spend more time with my friends does make me sad.

What if one day, one of us would be gone?

While it is a sad thought, I can’t promise any of my friends that I could spend more time, not when I have my fur babies, a partner, and the endless search for ways to make money online.

Unlike my friends, I didn’t plan well for my future.

All of my friends are rich and it is just the way it has been, not that it ever mattered between us, as they have always treated me well. And yes, I have been on the receiving end of their generosity, especially from Troy, my best friend.

When I said yes to another friend’s invite I was happy that I said yes.

My friend’s birthday

I hadn’t seen Alfie for over a year; there were a few invitations, and sadly I would always say no.

When an invitation to have dinner because of his birthday came, I did think of saying ‘no’. But then, a little voice in my head whispered about something called the ‘Friendship Paradox’… and I found myself RSVPing ‘yes’.

I said to myself, enough of my usual line of “Too busy,” Or“Not feeling up to it.” Life always does happen and while from time to time I still shut down and “disappear”, the thought of missing out on a friend is a constant fear and I don’t want it to be another “what if”.

But then the typhoon happened, and when I thought the party was postponed, my friend said yes and at the same time I was having second thoughts, he made it difficult for me to change my mind by offering me a ride to where the party would be.

The Party: Expectations vs. Reality

On our way to the party, Alfie and I caught up with our lives and also what was happening around the world.

The hottest topics around town like the transwoman who was misgendered and still got canceled. The sexual assault case by a male celebrity whose father I happen to know, that went all the way to the Senate and the usual gay stuff we share, the things squirrel friends talk about, and of course, we talked about our relationships.

It’s like we were all encapsulating the time we didn’t see each other in that car ride.

I knew it would be a small party. As usual, I asked if there was a dress code, I don’t have anything much these days except very casual clothes.

My excuse for not getting anything new is that I rarely go out.

As we arrived at the restaurant, my expectations were low. I knew I had to try and make small conversation with Alfie’s other friends and as soon as I walked out of the car, a friend of his said hello.

Since we are all gay men, it was easy to make small talk with Hans.

Good thing we were early, I had time to get to know Hans as we sat beside each other.

And then other guests started to come in and the biggest surprise was seeing my best friend Troy, who also happens to be Alfie’s friend too because in Manila the degrees of separation isn’t six degrees, it is far less than that.

Troy took the seat on my right side, and while everyone was talking at the same time, somehow me and Troy still managed to catch up since I last saw him days before his birthday.

It was indeed a small dinner party.

I got to know the other guests Raul and Bert, and I actually enjoyed talking to them, and one thing I knew long before, is that there is a community amongst gay men, we may bitch but we also are kindred spirits or kindred bitches depending on if it’s already midnight.

And because dinner wasn’t enough, Alfie invited all of us to move to a bar, and as always conversations become more fun and racier when there’s alcohol.

I haven’t been much of a drinker lately, but I almost finished a bottle of wine by myself.

Raul recounted a story only gay men could tell in all seriousness, that what could have been an unforgettable trip to Siargao, an island known for surfing and backpackers around the world. The island was hit by a typhoon and every tourist had to evacuate.

And all he can tell us is how he felt pity for a young American guy who was left without any money because there was no electricity after the typhoon.

Everyone just laughed at the absurdity of his story.

Bert, with his dry wit, offered insightful commentary on the latest political circus. I found myself genuinely connecting with these new faces.

We even managed to laugh at what life has to offer to us now that we are all in our 50s and in between all of us would give a second look at the cute waiter who served our table.

I even found myself laughing so hard I snorted — a sure sign I was having a good time.

Embracing the Paradox

As Hans offered to take me home, and got to know how we all ended up as friends with Alfie, I couldn’t help but reflect on the irony of the situation. The friendship paradox, it seemed, had struck again.

All of my friends have more friends, and somehow each one of us is a part of the whole, that a piece when it goes missing, makes the whole incomplete.

Maybe, I’m that small piece.

I had avoided going out with friends, only to discover that I had been missing out on the connection and joy.

As a gay man in his mid-50s, it was a humbling reminder that the best experiences lie just beyond our comfort zones.

Who knew I could have fun at a party past 9 pm?

Final thoughts

So, to my fellow gay men in their 50s and anyone else who needs to hear it

Don’t be afraid to say ‘yes’ every once in a while.

Embrace the friendship paradox, step outside your comfort zone, and see where the adventure takes you.

Spending time with your tribe can ease the times of loneliness, and the Surgeon General said that we are in the epidemic of loneliness and isolation.

Nobody escapes the feeling of the unknown, it couldn’t be more true for gay people as we age, and yet in the present, if only we give time to our friends we might end up discovering that the best is yet to come.

When was the last time you made time for your friends?

Thank you for reading.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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