For me, sharing teasing and ‘banter’ with people I know well and trust is like a verbal hug that brings us closer. Being insulted by a friend in a humorous and (hopefully) exaggerated way gives me a warm sense of reassurance that the teaser knows I can handle it – especially if there is a ring of truth to it! And I don’t feel judged because he and I both know he is probably at least equally guilty of whatever personality failing I’m being accused of. There’s a good feeling of mutual acceptance of, and forgiveness for, the many ways we fall short of being the good men we aspire to be (assuming no-one is being harmed by our failings – that’s never ‘funny’).
Maybe it was growing up in Liverpool that gave a taste for this kind of ironic and self-mocking conversation. It’s a city whose residents pride themselves on not taking life too seriously, and the birthplace of many great comedians – including , of course, the ‘fab four’ Beatles. But I’ve learned that it’s important to be careful who you use it with, because with people who aren’t so familiar with talking like that, it can be confusing. I still inadvertently upset my wife sometimes by saying something facetious (what she calls ‘being a smart arse) that goes down like the proverbial lead balloon because she’s not sure if I’m being serious. Which completely defeats the object, because irony – like spicey food – is only fun to share with people who also enjoy it.
Tone of voice and facial expression have an important role to play in setting the context for this kind of joking. Which is why it can be risky to try it by text; because unless you know the recipient extremely well, no matter how many smiley faces etc. you include, words on a screen can too easily take on a critical or judgemental tone in our imaginations; maybe because most of us heard far too much of that when we were kids, and are likely to react defensively to anything that evokes painful memories of a critical parent or teacher.
Unlike their pen and paper predecessors which allowed huge swathes of time for reflection and thinking better of what has been written between the pen and the post-box, texts are characterised by their instant and irreversible delivery. A friend has a ten-minute delay set on all his texts and emails before they send, which allows him to reflect on whether a witty observation that might be taken in the wrong way by the intended recipient. And if your arrow of wit does unintendedly hit a touchy target, extricating yourself without causing even more hurt can be tricky. The unavoidable implication is that the person who has misinterpreted you is actually a bit of an idiot for reacting like that – which only adds insult to the metaphorical injury you’ve already caused. (This is assuming that no hurt was intended; some people will use the ‘don’t take it so personally’ card as a classic gaslighting trick, but we’re not n that territory). The only effective way out of this hole that avoids the risk of digging yourself in even deeper, is to share a similar experience you’ve had of misinterpreting something meant in fun; it’s happened to all of us. And to grovel.
Let’s hope if that happens, your friendship is close enough that they will actually tell you why they’re upset, so you can work it through. Hurt feelings that are buried always resurface eventually – and there are few things more painful than being finally told about some long-ago insult you delivered, and trying to explain: “I was only joking!!”
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