There was a time in my life that had you offered me some magic pill or a machine that I could use to go back in time, I would have snatched the pill or the keys to the ignition without a second thought. There were so many things I wanted to be different and then something in my life changed. Really, something in me changed.
Let me give you a brief synopsis of the past that I had wanted to change bits and pieces of.
I grew up in a rather dysfunctional home that was at times an emotional war zone. It was a home full of denials, pains, addictions, and abuses. All of my older brothers did drugs and my parents were alcoholics. While I did not develop an addiction to drugs or alcohol, I did develop my own wonderful addictions to depression, porn, self loathing, suicidal ideations, suffering, and black belt in the art of sabotaging anything that seemed to be right or well in my life.
While many people say that hindsight is 20/20, I say it is x-ray vision for those willing to see. When I said that something in me changed, it was my understanding of life. After doing a lot of counseling and therapy, medication for depression, spiritual seeking and soul searching, I came to a totally new point of view.
From my current vantage point, I see that all of those experiences, the verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, psychological abuses and the various addictions were all a part of my journey. All of that went into the mix that created the person I am today and as the motivational speaker, Tony Robbins has said, “I bless all of my past pains for they helped me to become who I am today and without any of them I would not be the man I am today. The fires of my past turned the coal into a diamond and gave the phoenix power to rise from the ashes.”
Now that being said, there are times I occasionally daydream or wonder what my life would be like if I could have learned, or read, or experienced some things sooner. If I could have found my spiritual path sooner than I did; out of curiosity, I wonder where I would be.
The me that is writing this, would love to have spent more time with my father before he died or entered only relationships that were “healthy,” however, I also know that there is no such thing as a “minor” change. I know that any seemingly random or irrelevant thing like catching the 5:05pm bus instead of the 5:10 bus could have and would have changed the course of my life. Knowing this from an experiential level as I have observed events in my life unfolding, I’ve seen the changes in my life occurring before my eyes. I have grown to be quite content with the past. Rather than looking back and wishing, I prefer and I choose to focus my time, effort, and energy on crafting the magnificent present and future that I desire and deserve.
It is said, that those who do not learn from their past are doomed to repeat it; I would add, that those who romanticize about the past and refuse to let go of the past as anything more than a memory are forced to remain bound by the confines of a life that no longer exists.
Each of us becomes free when we realize that in order to be free and to move forward, we must choose to focus our gaze in the direction we desire to move.
Ready to live the life you may have only dreamed?
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