Sharing Secrets Increased My Confidence as a Man

Things have been a bit stressed between my wife and I recently. The unusually large amount of time we’ve been spending in each other’s company over lockdown hasn’t helped, but that only increased the tension that was there between us anyway. It’s led to a couple of those painful conversations which end up with both of us sitting on the bed with our backs to each other, before finally lying down to sleep without really understanding what has happened or knowing what to do about it.

But a couple of days ago I had a revelation about some of what’s been going on for me, and it’s been quite a game-changer. I try to always tell my partner the truth about anything that matters, but I’ve come to see that I’ve not been completely open and honest with myself – not because I was consciously wanting to bury things, but because hiding these kinds of feelings had been second nature for as long as I can remember. They are fears and insecurities that, from an early age, I learned that I “shouldn’t” feel as a man. So I’ve ignored them, buried them, pretended they were something else, denied that they existed – done anything and everything I could to make them go away. Which might have been quite effective in removing those self-doubts from my conscious awareness, but blinded me to the ways they’ve blocked my ability to be connected with my full self, and hence, in any meaningful way, with anybody else either.

One big secret I found I’d been keeping from myself is my insecurity about money. Currently my wife earns quite a bit more than me; she has a full-time job, while most of my free-lance work dried up over lockdown. The ‘me’ that I’d like to think I am, has no problem with this. I’ll declaim that I’m not limited by archaic sexist stereotypes of the male needing to be the main breadwinner. But like many, if not most men, I was socialised at an early age to equate income with success; and although a large part of me has rejected that narrow view, and I’ve mostly chosen work because of how interesting or meaningful it seemed rather than the size of the salary, I discovered a left-over strand of belief running through my life that associates earning-power with manhood; and a man who’s not working and earning is unworthy of respect – especially from his wife.

The most obvious impact of this disconnect between what I consciously thought I believed, and the shame I actually felt at a deep instinctive level, has been the ways I’ve been very touchy in any conversations about money, and also quite judgemental of my wife when she spends (mostly her) money on things that I think I don’t think ae important. I’m generally diplomatic/smart enough not to come right out and criticise her about this, but my disapproval inevitably leaks out in sarcastic remarks and ‘jokes’ which are understandably upsetting and help to put distance between us

Last weekend, my wife confided in me that she was feeling insecure about our marriage, and also had some health worries I didn’t know anything about. Somehow the vulnerability she was feeling and sharing about this connected me with my own buried feelings, and started telling her about my worries about not earning, and my ambivalent attitude to money which generally revolved around spending as little as possible – a stance I had absorbed from my father who had lived through the war, and always saved as much as he could in case the world went pear-shaped again.

Sharing my insecurity about my current lack of earning power somehow put the whole thing into perspective. As soon as I’d admitted them to myself and they were out in the open those feelings seemed to shrink. My wife could see how conflicted I was about it all, and reassured me that the fact she was earning more than me for the time being in no way reduced her respect and appreciation of me as a man and as a partner. A wave of relief passed over me, and I felt much more relaxed and balanced about being loved for who I was, and that even if I wasn’t contributing most of the money there were many other important ways in which I was doing OK – there have been a lot of home improvements! – in my wife’s eyes and in my own.

Sharing this shameful secret’ which I didn’t even know I was keeping, and which turned out not to be so important, made us feel much closer, and helped me feel more connected with my emotions. It was so noticeable that I decided to explore around in the depths of my psyche and see what other secrets I could find. The one that came up was my very secret fear that my wife would discover that I’m actually a bit useless and leave me for someone better. It’s not a belief that dominates my view of myself – but like a hidden fault line, every now and then it creates problems by coming out as anger or resentment. Admitting this to myself and sharing it, and laughing about how foolish and unnecessary it is, I took away any hidden power it had been exerting on me. And as a bonus, my wife told me that my willingness to risk being vulnerable with her increased her love and respect for me as her man. Result!

So I recommend digging into your soul to see if any secret beliefs about yourself might be lurking there. Letting them into the light and dissolving their unnecessary shame, has been one of the most life-changing, and love-changing, things I’ve ever done.

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