The Beauty of Forgiveness

This last week I have said two significant ‘Sorrys’. Two very different ones..

The first was a reciprocal forgiveness session.

My second wife and I have been separated for 5 months…(read my ‘My heart is broken…’ story for the why). We had our final mediation session in which we were ‘ending’ the relationship as a marriage. We had both planned what we wanted to say…I had three things…

Acceptance: that the marriage was over

Letting go: to allow each other the freedom to move on

Forgiveness: A chance to say sorry for any hurt

All very important statements…but the most significant for my own heart was being able to say sorry. Such a powerful moment, when I could let go of the feelings of guilt, shame, responsibility as I genuinely said sorry and my wife told me I was forgiven. Such freedom from that huge weight.

And then she reciprocated…and I could say ‘I forgive you too’….so powerful. That ‘sorry’ enabled us to let go and move on…knowing that there was the possibility that one day, we would like to reconnect as friends.

The next sorry came two days later…..

As ever, in relationship breakups…others are involved…or involve themselves….you do need support as inevitably sides are formed….I have a friend…he says he is my friend and I believed him. He knew what I was going through…I had been honest with him about my relationship and the struggles. He promised his support..or at least that was what I heard. At first he met with me…walked and talked…challenged and advised. Then, just as the heat was on…in the middle of the desert, with no water for miles, he went quiet…completely disappeared for 6 weeks…no messages of support, no asking how I was. And he knew how difficult everything was at that point, as his wife was supporting my wife, regularly meeting her to talk and comfort.

Feelings of rejection, confusion, judgement, withdrawal, alienation….didn’t he realise that just one message would have helped…but nothing. I felt so angry, so hurt, let down…

After the mediation session I got a message….from his wife…simply saying ‘Hi Nick, I heard about the meeting. Just wanted to say I’ve been thinking about you. Hope you’re ok’. Beautifully simple and loving. My reaction….

In my emotive, reactive state, I thanked her and then let her know how hurt I was that her husband had ‘let me down’….etc….and more….

I guess I wanted, no expected her to tell her husband and him apologise to me for all the things he hadn’t been…..did that happen?

No.

2 hours later….I realised…I shouldn’t have reacted to her message in that way…so I said sorry for that. Then I messaged my friend… ‘could I come and see you?’..I explained I’d just reacted to his wife. I went round.

On the way, I had a shift in my thinking…it actually doesn’t matter whether he says sorry or not. I am responsible for my feelings, for my emotions and reactions…I can not expect or try and make someone else respond how I want or feel they ought to….so when I arrived, I simply said sorry for my reaction. Did he say sorry….no…did he understand…who knows?

As I drove away, my heart was so much lighter. I knew that I was free from all that hurt I had held on to. I hadn’t actually needed him to respond in any particular way. What I needed was to deal with my stuff…..

Saying sorry is so powerful. No matter whether it’s accepted, reciprocated or even heard sometimes…..just do it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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