The Seven Most Important Things I’ve Learned During Lockdown

The enforced ‘me-time’ during the Covid-19 lockdown has been a big challenge for me. Before that, I was happily running around being too busy to ever think much about whether what I was doing was aligned to my own values and inclinations. In fact, having so many things on my to-do list was a way to avoid thinking about it, mainly because I didn’t believe I had the right to choose to do what I actually needed and enjoyed. As long as I was ‘achieving’ things, I felt OK about myself.

Spending more time in my own company without that reassuring sense of ‘getting stuff done”, made me uneasy; I felt invisible and irrelevant. But I sensed that this was a chance to face the demons of inadequacy that had always goaded me to ‘do’ more, and to get the know the person who was hiding behind all that frantic activity.

As a first step, I had to confront my belief that I had fallen short of being ‘successful’ in externally measured terms; and give myself permission to spend more time doing what felt good and right to me, not just the things I thought I ‘should’ do.

That helped me realise that there were some other things that were important to me, but which I had neglected.

1. In want to do work, paid or unpaid, which is challenging and interesting; and to pursue things that I enjoy and believe in – not wasting time with anything else. My guiding principle is: do what I love and has meaning for me, and to do no harm; to act from a sense of choice rather than of obligation.

2. My need to live in a way that feels right for my true self – rather than from wanting to fit in or be praised. When I stop reacting to how I imagine other people think about me and ‘taking it personally’, I don’t need to project my insecurities on to them or criticise them to make myself feel better. I can more easily accept it when other people’s views are different to mine, and not assume I’m right or try to change them – that makes everyone happier!

3. Too much analysing and trying to ‘understand’ myself and others has got in the way of being present- and-connected. It’s better to be swimming in the river of life, than looking on from the side and trying to figure out what’s going on – which is just a way to try to make it feel safer, when the best advice is to ‘feel the fear, and do it anyway’!

4. Staying in a long-term intimate partnership is challenging for me; but that seems to be true for a lot of us! So I’m committed to making my marriage as enjoyable as possible; and to helping my wife feel accepted and appreciated by me for who she is, in the hope that she can offer me the same. But not needing her to make me feel O.K. about myself – that’s my job!

5. Sharing times with friends is essential. I’m very lucky to have a couple of really good ones, so I need to connect with them regularly and make sure they know how much I value them – even when they don’t act/feel the way I think they ‘should’. And if anyone really lets me down, I’ll forgive them – but make it clear that I probably won’t accept it a second time.

6. I need to feel part of a community; and know that I’m contributing to the world in some way, however small – but because I enjoy it, not because I want to be ‘a good person’. I plan to focus on where my own particular interests and experiences make me useful – letting go of my need to please, impress and be approved of. Easier said than done, I know – but I can aspire!

7. As a young man I had dreams of fame as a musician, but I accept now that playing music will never be more than a lovely hobby for me. Partly because I’m probably not all that talented; but also because I like to have several ‘projects’ on the go at once, and I’m convinced that to become outstanding at something, I’d have to make it, the main focus of my life, and that won’t work for me. So I can just enjoy my creativity without feeling I’ve failed, or putting pressure on myself to ‘achieve’ more.

I don’t have a lot of money, but for now there’s enough coming in so that I don’t have to ‘worry’ about it. I DO need to look after my mental/physical/spiritual health, though, and this listicle can remind me of what’s most important, so that I can live my own authentic life. As we (hopefully) come out of Lockdown in the U.K., that’s all the ‘success’ I need.

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