Louise Thayer digs into the meaning of work we don’t enjoy.
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Those mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb. — Najwa Zebian
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I went looking for inspiration today. It means a lot to me to be asked to write here, for whoever wants to read my words, twice a month, twelve months of the year. I’ve dug into depths I wouldn’t have, were it not for this platform, this place of speech afforded to me by the simple act of being told …”I like what you have to say. It has worth.”
It’s an odd paradox. To sit like a blank page opening, with the intention of writing something of value.
Yesterday and today I had time off work and I tied myself up in figurative knots with the “need” to write something. To make it meaningful enough to be bothered with it in the first place. That’s what I’ve struggled with for most of my life. Why would anything that I have to say or do matter to the world?
Call it lack of self-esteem, call it insecurity or ego or whatever you feel like calling it … but see it for what it is. The thing that stops us from becoming who we’re really supposed to be.
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Call it lack of self-esteem, call it insecurity or ego or whatever you feel like calling it … but see it for what it is. The thing that stops us from becoming who we’re really supposed to be.
I read a quote this week that really hit home and I’ll bastardize it here for you. “You are the person you are when nobody is watching.”
For a long time I didn’t know that. I based my judgment of self on the images reflected back at me, of who it was that other people thought that I was.
It was never enough.
I was never enough for them. Even when I was enough for them, my own insecurities kept me looping back in the cycles that eventually confirmed to me, I was not.
Now though, the crux of being ok with who I am means not hiding from the things I choose to do with my life.
I choose. Therefore I don’t need to defend.
Even if I choose to do nothing, that’s my choice. Of course it’s easier to conform than to potentially upset other people around you for example … but where does that leave “you”? Most often in fragments on the floors of others, wondering what just happened to your point of view.
So I write because not writing feels like letting myself down.
I also choose to keep doing a very physical and intense job for 60+ hours a week, and to keep going with the few extra curricular activities I can fit in. I choose to keep writing even though I could easily say I’m too tired …
… and that’s finding time for something I enjoy.
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What happens when we choose to continually do something that’s less than pleasant? Something that maybe we’ve committed to that’s bigger than just ourselves.
I’ve done jobs in the past where resentment about changes in working conditions has turned into fury, sorrow and physical pain within me. I’ve effectively hurt myself and known why, but not what to do about it. I’ve done the same with damaging relationships. I’ve been passive in the face of the unwanted. I’ve stayed too long out of concern that if I leaver, things might fall apart. Of course that’s ego talking.
I knew I should stop, but I had to let things get to the point where they were insufferable, until the universe shoved me in the direction of an answer.
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Nonetheless, the effects on my psyche were huge. I would have to blast loud and angry music just to get me moving every morning and I would be doing heavy lifting with ferocious anger and the burning knowledge that I was damaging my body. I knew I should stop, but I had to let things get to the point where they were insufferable, until the universe shoved me in the direction of an answer.
I’m not saying that we need to stay away from everything that we regard as unpleasant. I’m saying that we need to make peace with it if it’s part of what we need to keep doing in order to move towards what we are drawn to. If it’s not good for us, we equally need to choose to let it go.
In my current life I spend approximately 4 hours every day handling birds (mostly pigeons) for part of the training process of young bird dogs. I am absolutely obsessed with the intricacies of the process and have been driven, since the very first time I saw a dog go on point to learn how to train these animals for myself. It’s a compulsion. When I was away from the environment for a few years, I missed it viscerally.
Something drives me to do this thing and I don’t question it any more, I just do it and I accept that certain sacrifices need to be made in order to reach my goals.
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So back to the pigeons.
I eat a mostly vegan diet and I spend almost every waking hour making sure that the animals in my care receive the most excellent attention I know how to give. We’re all morally conflicted, and I just have to own up to my inconsistencies or else they plague my conscience. I can’t conceive of a time where I would just abandon the quail without water or be too lazy to pick them greens to eat. I take hay in small handfuls to the pigeons so that they can build their nests and I make sure that when I have to move the flock, the mamas are left with their babies. I give a damn in other words.
Then I catch them. The adult birds. By hand. At least 40 a day currently. They don’t like it and nor do I. Not one bit. I’m good at it. I’ve spent plenty of time figuring out how to watch just one target bird instead of getting in a mess chasing a fleeing mass of wings, feathers and flung up dirt and bird poop. If I can walk in the pen in the morning, calm and content with my choice to do this job and my acceptance that this is part of it, then I tend to be much better at handling the stresses that come with the morality and actuality of handling these birds.
I find that I can be very consistent in my catching and that the birds almost fall into my hands without panic. If I breathe and say a little prayer of forgiveness, then I can think of the pigeons as being a necessary and worthy part of the process of developing hunting dogs.
I slightly prefer the dogs, that’s the truth. More than that … I’ve decided to make this my life. I decided. In a committed way. It means I don’t get to feel bad about the less than optimal aspects of my life. Or rather, I may feel like hell some days but then I just catch the birds eight at a time instead of by the crate full and with conscious effort not to jab my fingers on wires or get clawed in the face as I become a runway strip for talons because my back hurts and I’m moving too slowly. I breathe and I get on with it the best I can.
It’s too easy to let the necessary parts of our chosen lives feel burdensome. If we choose to keep certain parts of our lives going, then we surely ought to find a way to also make them acceptable to the deepest parts of our selves.
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It’s balance. Finding acceptance and going through life with as much grace as we can muster. It’s too easy to let the necessary parts of our chosen lives feel burdensome. If we choose to keep certain parts of our lives going, then we surely ought to find a way to also make them acceptable to the deepest parts of our selves.
It’s difficult to think of making a life adjustment when there’s no clear path ahead of us, but sticking to the routinized walkway of complaint and suffering is also extremely hard and ultimately far more detrimental to our health and well-being than getting bold and taking a good look at what it is that’s hurting us, then being willing to allow for change.
Photo—James Blunt/Flickr
We do what we have to do so we can do what we want to do….