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I heard something recently about ‘normalizing’ men. It went something like this – ‘normalize boys playing with dolls, normalize men crying, normalize boys showing emotions, normalize men who want to paint their nails’. And so on. You get the general gist.
Let me start by saying I have no issue whatsoever with these things. My question is, when we say ‘normalize’, do we mean – make the same? In the name of equality, have we lost the essence or the art of what it means to be a man – or a woman for that matter?
I can hear the naysayers screaming from the mountain top of equality. But pause for just a second, and ask, have we taken it too far when we try to make the sexes the same? Even if the intention is noble, to create fairness and equality, which I think is of immense importance, I still ask the question, how do we as men and women, treat each other uniquely and with respect, without power, abuse, and control.
The Marlboro Man is dead – thank god!
Gone is the Marlboro man of old, and good riddance to the rugged renegade who actually had no clue about what a real man looked like, acted like, or how he showed up in the world. This image did us no favors.
The macho stereotype of what it means to be a ‘real man’ has been and should be challenged. Men across the planet have been at the scene of physical, psychological, and emotional damage for too long.
My next question is, in our attempt to right the wrongs caused by [some] males, have we lost the essence of what it means to be a man? And what does that mean now days anyway?
Are we afraid to be men?
The vast majority of boys in western culture are not taught how to be a man. There is no authentic rite of passage from boyhood to manhood. We grow up watching movies, listening to celebrities, and consuming content that gives us absolutely no clue about how a man shows up, let alone how to be one.
Boys learn how to bottle emotion, put a lid on it, push it down, avoid it. And all that means is, it comes out sideways, whether through anger, sexual deviation, repressed shadow behaviour or other ways.
Boys learn how to compete to win. They learn ‘survival of the fittest, fastest, and physically strongest’. But they don’t learn how to be emotionally strong, fit, and agile. They don’t learn how to be kind. They don’t learn how to give and receive love. They learn how to take, hate, and to look cool whilst doing it.
Alphas and nice guys
So, we have a generation of extremes. Alpha males who by force or virtue of their physical presence, make their way to the top of the so-called man pile, heroes on the sports field, board room and maybe even the bedroom.
Then we have the nice guys, who are too afraid to be themselves, and end up living a life of chronic disappointment, people pleasing, and under-achieving.
Neither extremes know nor understand the essence of being a man, how to be strong yet kind, powerful yet humble, strong yet wise.
Has the pendulum has swung too far?
Male gender roles
The roles of men and women have changed beyond recognition in today’s world. But what are we becoming? We all contain masculine and feminine energies yes. But the art of being a man who knows how to both understand and honor his masculine energy and presence, is in my view, being lost.
Lost to the belief that we are all the same. Lost in the belief that there is no real difference between the male and female of the species anymore. Lost in the reality that men who show up as strong, caring, kind, wise, and present, are a dying breed. Lost in the labels, accusations, and illusion that all men are considered guilty until proven innocent.
The old school stereotype of the man who goes to work, while the woman stays home, looks after the kids, preparing the evening meal, is another stereotype that needed to be smashed. Stereotypes for either gender are not helpful and have underlying misconceptions about power and control.
Red Pill
You may have heard of the Red Pill movement. Red Pill takes its name from the 1999 movie ‘The Matrix’, where Morpheus offers Neo the blue pill – ‘where the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. Or the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.’
The rabbit hole in the red pill movement is the belief that women run the world without taking responsibility for it, and that men are victims of role reversal and not allowed to complain. It then seeks for men to open their eyes and take back their rightful place as men.
The red pill movement might have worthy intentions, such as leadership and courage to stand in your own beliefs – but it breeds contempt and weakness. It often attracts men who have found their tribe amongst other men, who see themselves as victims, on a vendetta to take back their rightful place as head of the house, leaders of the free world, and sexual conquerors.
It’s not the answer. It’s a knee-jerk reaction.
Head, heart, and balls
Men’s coach Traver Boehm says it this way – “Most men think with their heads, and have no relationship with their hearts, and only know the shadow side of their balls”. It’s over-thinking, under-feeling, over-reacting. Traver is on a mission to teach a million men a new expression of masculinity. One based on a blend of strength, leadership, and emotional intelligence.
A man needs to use his head. A man needs to feel his heart. A man needs to have the balls to live a life of integrity, purpose and meaning.
No matter what your sexual orientation – straight, gay, bi, I don’t care – this is not about that. This is about being clear on who you are, not apologizing for it.
Traver goes on to say, “a man who has access to his (thinking) brain, his (feeling) heart, and his (physical) balls is a force to be reckoned with. His daily actions are such that all three powerful areas stay congruent and accessible moment to moment, day to day.”
So, I ask myself – what type of man do I want to be?
What are my values?
What code do I live by?
Am I in balance with my head, heart, and balls?
I’d also be interested to hear, as a woman reading this, what type of man appeals to you?
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