10 Important Things You Should Know About Good Relationships

When someone wants to be with you, they will usually make it known to you. You will not have doubts about how they feel about you.

Many times in my adult life, I have wished there was a manual on how to figure out relationships with the opposite gender. There are mistakes I wouldn’t have made, and there are permanent scars I have now that I could have avoided.

Dating and starting new relationships can be extremely frustrating and difficult.

I hope these 10 things we should have learned about what makes good relationships as teenagers (but maybe did not) come in handy for you.

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1. Mutual liking and respect

Mutual respect is the foundation of genuine harmony. — Dalai Lama

A study published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that attraction between two people is intensified when they are both aware of each other’s feelings.

The study reminded me of my first crush. I was 8, he was 10. I would hide whenever I saw him. He would shower me with compliments at the top of his voice for everyone to hear. It was magical.

Before we get into relationships, it is important to establish that mutual liking and respect for each other.

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2. Clarity

Great relationships are based on clarity, not mind-reading. — Steve Arterburn

In a good and healthy relationship, you will have clarity.

When your potential partner is not sure about you, they will give you mixed signals. You will feel confused about how they really feel about you and it will seem like they are hot for you one moment, and completely cold towards you the next.

If a person is confused about how they feel about you, it might be a sign that it is not a good idea to get into a relationship. They might be keeping you around until a more suitable option comes along.

If you feel confused and are getting mixed signals, that should probably be your sign to find another person more deserving of your emotions.

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3. Commitment to your plans together

We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence. — Cornel West

In a good relationship, both people make and commit to plans together.

In many toxic one-sided relationships, one partner almost never initiates plans for the couple. And when they do make plans, that partner usually cancels at the last moment.

In a good relationship, both people are committed to creating a sustainable partnership; and part of that includes spending time together and getting to know each other.

It might also involve talking about the future together.

Stop making plans with people who always cancel on you. The only flakes you should up with are the ones in your cereal bowl.

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4. Friendship

Love is friendship set on fire — Jeremy Taylor

In this research study by The National Bureau of Economic Research, it was found that “well-being effects of marriage are about twice as large for those whose spouse is also their best friend”.

Friendship matters!

In a good relationship, you enjoy spending time with your partner, talking to them, laughing with each other, and supporting each other. It can look different for every couple, but there should be something that you both can have fun doing together as friends do.

If you have been married for decades or are in a new relationship, it can be easy to get caught up with relationship conflict and points of tension. It is important to remember that they are not just your partner, but also your friend.

So support each other, love each other, and be there for each other just like friends do.

Valuing the friendship component of one’s romantic relationship is important. It leads to better relationship outcomes over time, including a more satisfying relationship, a better friendship with one’s partner, and even greater sexual satisfaction.

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5. Intertwining worlds

One soul, two hearts. — Stephanie Rogers.

Shasta Nelson, the author of “Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness,” suggests making those introductions sooner rather than later. “We bond more with our partners when we meet their friends,” she said, adding that a big party or group event can be more comfortable than a one-on-one interrogation with your best friend.

Nelson also stressed that it’s important for your friends to meet the person you’re dating even if you’re not serious, yet. You get to see how they act around other people and you get an opportunity to integrate your relationship with other parts of your life.

In a good relationship, you will know, and at some point meet the people who are most important to your partner.

Your worlds are bound to intertwine anyways, so the sooner both people in the relationship create a comfortable environment for the intertwining of worlds, the better.

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6. Shows affection and makes physical contact

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. — C. S. Lewis

Physical affection is important in relationships, but some people need more than others. Intimate touch is a vital part of most close relationships. Study after study has found that couples who touch each other more tend to be happier.
Showing affection isn’t always easy.

For some of us, affection and overt displays of love don’t come naturally, perhaps due to our personalities or the environment we grew up in. However, displays of affection are crucial in the vast majority of relationships.

If you’ve been finding it tricky, don’t worry. It’s really the little things that go a long way when it comes to the question of how to show affection, and they’re very easy to do.

In a good relationship, the couple communicates with each other in ways they want to be loved and shown affection.

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7. Honest and Open Communication

The key to any successful relationship lies in open and honest communication with each other.

Communication in good relationships, at its core, is about connecting and using your verbal, written and physical skills to fulfil your partner’s needs. It’s not about making small talk.

It’s about understanding your partner’s point of view, offering support and letting your partner know you are their number 1 fan.

Find someone who still knows how to talk to you when they are angry.

In the past when I was angry and did not dare to confront my partner, I relieved that by talking about them to another person. A good rule of thumb when it comes to this method of coping is if you can’t say it to their face, you shouldn’t say it behind their back.

Also, learn to use your words with your partner. Communicate openly and honestly as much as possible. If you don’t know, ask. If you don’t agree, say so. If you don’t like it, speak up. Communicate.

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I wish loads and loads of love and mutual love in your relationships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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