What if I told you that relationships could bring you problems?
People seek relationships to fix problems: reduce loneliness, feel loved, increase your self-esteem. We grow up believing that relationships make us happy. While that belief is not wrong, the reality is far more complex.
I learned the hard way that being in a relationship has countless downsides.
This idea struck me last Wednesday when my boyfriend, Jonathan, went out with his coworkers for a happy hour. He told me he’d stay for three hours and come home. As a good introvert, I cooked dinner for myself, opened a bottle of wine, and watched a romantic comedy.
So far, so good.
Three hours later, he texted: “Jake ordered another round of beers for the table.” Then, four hours went by. Then, five.
At this point, I felt stressed. It was a weekday, and I wanted to get up early the next day. And Jonathan knows I can’t fall asleep while he’s not home — not when I know he’ll arrive soon and wake me up.
He got home past midnight, a bit tipsy.
Now, I get it. Anyone could lose track of time. Besides, Jonathan is a sweetheart; he’d never get mad at me if it was the opposite situation. But I couldn’t control my feelings — I was upset.
The next day, I had a mind-blowing headache.
I couldn’t focus on work, so I decided to digest my feelings first. I spent a few hours reflecting on relationships and how I believe they should be.
Before I knew it, I was listing the downsides of relationships.
Completely lost in thought, I channeled my feelings into the list. By the end of the day, I had determined the four main downsides of relationships:
1. You become vulnerable.
Have you ever heard that “love makes you strong?” Well, that’s a lie.
In reality, relationships make you vulnerable.
Let me explain. Finding a partner who loves you and sharing your life with them is a fantastic feeling. However, there’s a price to pay. When you’re in love, you give your heart to someone else. And they’re free to leave you whenever they want.
If you want true love, you have to accept that it can break your heart. And that’s a tremendous amount of power to give away.
How to overcome:
The harsh truth is that you can’t eliminate the vulnerability. So the best you can do is to change your mindset.
Look at the opposite scenario. How terrible is a life without love? I daresay it’s empty. Loving is a natural part of being human, and I can’t imagine life without it.
The vulnerability enables you to create meaningful connections.
Ultimately, these connections make life worth living. So instead of fearing the heartbreak, use the vulnerability to get closer to people.
2. You have to accept another point of view.
We all have our internal beliefs. And we tend to stay close to people who share these beliefs.
Relationships are no exception. We fall in love with people who are — somewhat — similar to us. But people are complex. Even if you and your partner have similar perspectives, you won’t agree on everything.
Being in a relationship means you’ll have to accept a different perspective.
Dealing with differences with your partner is more complex because you make important decisions together. For example, you chose the city you live in, how to deal with finances, raise the children, and much more.
These decisions will affect your life directly.
How to overcome:
The mindset that will help you overcome this is to remember that you are on the same team. Although you differ in the strategy, you want the same things: make each other happy.
Instead of eliminating the differences, accept them. Some level of conflict is normal — what matters is how you deal with it.
Listen to your partner and look for solutions together. This way, both parties make a compromise.
3. You have to keep things interesting.
Here’s something nobody told me about relationships: they get boring.
Yes, the beginning is exciting. When Jonathan and I started dating, I felt like a kid who got a new toy for Christmas. It was pure joy and excitement, the beginning of a new chapter.
Now, after five years, we became boring.
Don’t get me wrong: we love each other, and we’re a great team together. But there’s nothing extraordinary going on in our routine as a couple. There are no new things to explore, places to go, or stuff to learn about each other.
And most healthy relationships tend to fall into this pattern in the long term.
How to overcome:
Understand that love changes. At first, there’s a crazy fire. But, with time, it becomes a stable relationship.
It’s not bad, nor good — it’s simply a different stage.
The good news is: when the relationship evolves, you grow together. Jonathan and I are moving into a bigger apartment. So it gives us a project to work on together.
Likewise, to keep your relationship interesting, find projects to share. Start a new hobby together. Share your dreams and help each other to achieve them. That’s the key to keeping the fire alive.
4. You have to put other interests first.
During your teenage years, you’re free to explore the world. It’s a time when you learn about yourself and define who you are. It’s an individual process, and it makes sense that you put yourself first.
But this reality changes when you’re in a serious relationship.
In a long-term relationship, your decisions will directly impact your partner. If you decide to spend all your money on games, maybe you won’t be able to afford a house. If you decide to travel with your friends for a week, you’ll leave your partner alone with the children. You get the idea.
Being in a relationship means you have to be more mindful of your choices and more responsible. It means sometimes you have to put someone else’s interests first.
How to overcome:
In many cases, putting other interests first is a consequence of becoming an adult. Adults have to take responsibility for their choices — financially, professionally, and also in their relationships.
However, your relationship can help you in this process.
It ensures that you’re not alone. Instead, you share this process with someone who cares for you.
Yes, relationships mean that you have to change your priorities. But they also provide support and company for navigating through life. And this mentality makes it easier to prioritize the right things.
5. You lose your freedom.
A relationship is a contract between two parties. In traditional arrangements, you give up on the freedom to make out with other people to create a meaningful connection with your partner.
“Relationships are inherently constraining.”
And there are other small instances when you lose your freedom. For example, you owe more explanations to your partner. When Jonathan went out for the happy hour, he told me where he was going.
Not that he wasn’t free to go. But, since we live together, I expect some explanation. It’s a matter of consideration.
How to overcome:
Although relationships take your freedom, remember it is a choice. And the overall goal is to make both parties happier.
The thing with freedom is that the more you give, the more the person comes back to you. It’s not about restraining the other — it’s about making them want to stay.
So focus on creating a positive relationship, creating meaningful moments with your partner, and growing together. It requires time and hard work, but it’s the best way to make them stay.
This way, nobody feels like they’re giving up on their freedom.
Being in a relationship doesn’t fix your problems. It brings new ones. Believing that love will make your life flawless is almost like believing in fairytales.
So if you want to have a long-term relationship, you’ll have to face its downsides. There’s no way around it. The good news is that there’s much more to gain. Love requires work, but it’s priceless.
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Previously Published on medium
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