5 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting a Divorce

Before I got married, tons of people wanted to give me advice. There was plenty of “Never go to bed angry” being dished out by people I barely knew. But where was the advice for going through a divorce? No one wants to talk about that. So here it is. The advice I never got but really should have.

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1. It’s Never Going to Feel Comfortable

I knew I wanted a divorce years before I actually took the steps towards getting one. Mostly because I was scared. I had a litany of excuses of why I should wait: I should wait until I am out of grad school because otherwise I won’t be able to afford to finish, I should wait until there is enough equity in the house to be able to sell at a profit, I should wait until I can save up enough money. Those excuses may have sounded reasonable to me, but they were all hiding an important truth: I was afraid of the discomfort of uncertainty.

I kept thinking that when some external circumstance was achieved ,like enough equity in a house, then I would be comfortable leaving. I was fooling myself. Divorce is never going to be comfortable. It is inherently messy and painful. You have to make difficult decisions. Your living situation, your financial situation, all of it, changes dramatically.

I was waiting for something that was never coming.

2. I Don’t Need to Justify my Decision

One of the ideas I got stuck on was that I needed to have a good enough reason to justify a divorce. I was afraid of the judgment of others. I was afraid of the judgment of myself. I was afraid of being a quitter. Even though things were bad at home, I used the excuse that I had never had to go to the emergency room, so it must not be that bad.

When I first saw the hashtag #HeDoesntHitYouBut on Twitter it made me cry because I used that justification for staying all of the time. He doesn’t hit me. He might kick my dog or constantly insult and belittle me but he doesn’t hit me.

The truth of the matter is that you don’t even need a reason. You just want a divorce is reason enough to get one and you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Ever.

3. It Gets Better — Just Not Right Away

Grief of the Idea

A feeling I didn’t expect to encounter during divorce was grief. I wanted the divorce. I didn’t have any loving feelings for my ex-husband. So why was I experiencing grief?

The grief I felt was less of a grief for the relationship we had. We had a terrible relationship. But rather I was grieving the idea of the relationship. I was permanently getting rid of the idea that we could work it out and make things better. I was giving up the delusion of ever obtaining happiness in that relationship.

I was giving up the dreams that were possible in that relationship as well. At that time, I had dreamed of getting a beach house in Oregon. With our combined salaries, this dream would have been within reach in a few short years.

However, on my own, it seemed like this would never happen. I had to reshape my dreams to accommodate my newly single life.

That meant letting go of some of the things I had wanted and it was ok to grieve for those ideas.

Fear of the Unknown

As typical of abusive relationships, I had developed a sense of dependency on the abuser. When I left that relationship, I literally was unsure if I could survive on my own. I had married so young that I had never lived on my own before. There were so many things that I had never done for myself before. I got a crash course on independence and was able to build confidence by seeing myself successfully navigate through life on my own. I developed the trust in my own ability to solve my own problems and be in charge of my own life. But I was only able to do so by facing my fear of the unknown first.

I’m the one who is supposed to feel better

Right after leaving I was struggling against the idea that I was supposed to be the one that felt better. I was leaving a bad relationship so I should be on the feel good side of leaving. What I actually found was that I had to navigate my own grief and fear. However, when I saw my ex, it looked like things were going great for him. He was making more money than ever, he had a great new place, and was hanging out and having a blast with a bunch of new friends. While I was laying in bed most nights too tired to do anything and struggling to complete my day to day tasks. I became bitter thinking that he got off easy. He tortured me for years and I’m the one suffering and he is not. I thought it was an awful reminder of how unfair life is. And so on the pity party went.

I had to let go of the notion of how I thought things “should” be or what was “supposed” to happen. I had to focus on creating the life I wanted to live and healing my own hurt. Focusing on myself and my own growth and healing is what allowed me to get out of that rut and start living my best life.

4. Don’t be Friends

I thought I could be friends with my ex. I thought it made me a bigger person. I cringe even writing that now. I think part of the drive to be friends was coming from my fear of independence. I wasn’t sure I could survive on my own so if I had this friendship I knew I could call upon it anytime I needed anything. I didn’t have anyone else I could call on. During the marriage I had become so isolated I no longer had any friends. Hanging onto a friendship with him though prevented me from going out and forming new friendships that would have been more beneficial and healthy.

I also had this strong desire to prove that I wasn’t an angry or bitter person. I decided that the best way to show that I was so over all of that was to be willing to be friends. This was detrimental to me because I was not really able to move on during this period. I was also lying to myself. I was angry and bitter. I was denying myself the opportunity of actually processing and working on those feelings by ignoring them and pretending they didn’t exist.

Needless to say, those feelings eventually came out and once we stopped being friends, it was much better for me.

5. Letting Go Lets You Receive Better

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear.”- George Addair

I regret all of the time I spent clinging to a life and a relationship that were not good for me. I regret all of the time I spent worrying about what I would do on my own instead of taking action. I regret all of the years I spent being miserable. Once I was good and truly out and living on my own, I discovered that I was a capable person. I was capable of making decisions and living a wonderful life. I was capable of having fulfilling relationships that brought me happiness. Once I had received the abundance waiting for me on the other side, I cannot understand why I waited so long to go after it.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self anything it would be to take control of her own life. Stop waiting for things to happen to you or for someone else to come along and make your decisions for you. Go after the life you want. Don’t settle for misery. You deserve better than this. You are better than this. YOU are the master of your own destiny.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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