If you’re an older single woman, why would you look for a partner online in the first place? What’s wrong with the good old-fashioned way of meeting someone in a bar?
Oh wait, remember how well that worked out for you in the past?
If you’re not meeting people of quality to date in the real world, there are good reasons to — cautiously — date online.
Online dating is more effective. Especially for seniors
First, statistics indicate that online dating is more effective in finding long-lasting, satisfying relationships. Ones not as likely to end in divorce if marriage is your goal. For many older singles, marriage may not be the goal, but we still want our next, and most likely last, relationship to endure and to be mutually rewarding.
We don’t have tons of time left to spend in disharmonious relationships. People who meet online have relationships with more harmony in the long term. We want to stack the odds in our favor.
When you meet online, you have to take more time and avenues to get to know the other person initially. And we older adults have more about us to get to know. Plus, even though you only have their words for it, their online profile description can tell you immediately if your lifestyles, values, and politics are compatible. Currently, in the U.S., that last one can be a deal breaker, especially for older voting adults, who make up the majority of voters.
You can filter for matches that are compatible with your spiritual and/or political leanings, as well as for geography, age, and other factors.
More to Choose from
Second, thirty to forty percent of older adults live alone. That’s a huge percentage of seniors, many of whom are looking for love. But where to meet each other?
A lot of us are online. In fact, seniors are the fastest-growing segment of online dating. More and more older singles are going online to find true love. Or at least someone to cuddle and/or dance, go to places, or have sex with.
You can be more selective
It is easier to select for certain characteristics and comparable values when dating online, and chemistry can develop later, as opposed to dating in real life where chemistry is often the deciding factor, according to Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a biological anthropologist. She’s also a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and chief scientific adviser to Match.com.
Paid sites, such as Match and eharmony also provide the hurdle of participants having enough financial stability to pay for the service.
Seniors may be on their second or third careers or have retired and saved to travel. Some have gone back to school. We may have either less time or less opportunity to meet people in real life, but we may be more financially stable. For seniors who are, paid online dating sites are a good resource to find others with similar characteristics.
Not that you won’t also catch plenty of other fish in your wide-cast net on free sites, such as Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, but at least on a paid site, you know they can afford to spend money as well as time and effort on finding a good, if not perfect, match.
Here’s where you should also practice caution. Some profiles are scammers, not who they pretend to be. See my article for in-depth insight into scoping out scams and scammers.
In general, if someone seems too good to be true, falls for you immediately, and doesn’t live close enough to make meeting likely, they are scammers.
How to choose flattering photos
Now that you’re deciding to give online dating a whirl, how do you go about it? Start by choosing photos for your profile.
From my own experience, it seems some men don’t bother to read profiles before communicating, so pics are what they go by initially.
On the Drew Barrymore show, Drew interviewed dating expert, Damona Hoffman, who recommends older women post photos taken professionally.
Selfies can work, but don’t take them from below. Nobody older looks good in photos shot from below. Go ahead, take one now, look at it, and you’ll see what I mean. If you’re going to post a selfie, hold the phone higher, and look up at the camera. This makes your eyes bigger, and your chin (or chins), and neck less noticeable.
Dating profile selfie of author. I retouched and smoothed the neck and décolletage. Can you tell where my insecurity is?
When others take your photos, have them shoot from a higher angle as well. If the neck is an issue, which it is for most of us, do what I do in some pics. Put your hands under your chin. You’ll hide in plain sight and look coy and adorable at the same time. As you see above, I did do some editing of my selfie to smooth the neck and décolletage, but you can do less or none at all to be more authentic.
Sexy shots are fine. Just know that if they are too revealing you will get responses different from the type you want, if you’re looking for more than a hook-up. Again, I know this one from experience. Even cleavage can bring out the beast in certain men.
Do post at least one full-body shot. Have your full body shot taken somewhere you enjoy being, or doing something you like to do.
Photo by Boys in Bristol Photography: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-woman-engaged-in-cliff-rock-climbing-11166246/
Photo by Marcus Aurelius: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-doing-cobra-pose-6787216/
Look for partners with a similar activity level
Many women are afraid to date men their age because they’re afraid the men can’t keep up. I’m not talking sexually, although sexual compatibility is extremely important.
I’m talking about active older women, who work or volunteer, have hobbies, and participate in physical activities. Don’t let that be the reason you only date younger men. There are plenty of active older men. You just have to put it out there that it’s what you want, and screen for men as active as you are. Here’s how.
Use keywords to filter
This is for everyone: Use keywords in your profile headline and in your profile. If you enjoy fine dining, mention that. If you are active, and require someone active, say that. If you are differently abled, or more laid back, or want a more sedate partner, say that upfront.
Decide what your priorities are, come up with keywords for them, and use those. These kinds of keywords don’t move you higher up in the search like they do on Google, but they make it easier for someone to scan your profile for things they have in common with you.
Isn’t that what this is all really about? Finding dating companions, or even life partners with whom we are compatible.
Meeting in the real world versus the virtual one
Yes, you can join groups to meet people who like the same things you like.
Last time I tried that, I found two of the guys in my screenplay writing group were also on my dating sites. They didn’t match me online and didn’t ask me out in real life. On the other hand, I hadn’t put the keyword, writer, into my introduction profile. Maybe they were too shy to ask me out in person.
One from the group that I approached in person turned out to be married. That happens online, too, but he was honest about it, whereas married men online are usually pretending not to be. One way to protect yourself online is to get their last name and do an internet search.
The other I approached wasn’t interested. He indicated later I was too high-energy for him, and I’m good with that. I wonder, though, if we’d met online and he’d gotten to know more about me than my overly bubbly personality if the result would have been the same.
The thing about meeting someone in a group of people doing something you enjoy, is that if the relationship fails, it’s awkward in and for the group after. Who gets to continue in the group is similar to who gets the friends in a divorce.
The point is, meeting in person isn’t always easy or direct. So why not give online a whirl? The statistics are better in every way. You have a better chance of meeting the 40% of older singles online because many of them are choosing online as the way to meet.
Online dating lets you narrow down your choices by matching your interests, values, and activities, and as more than fully grown adults, we know what those are for us. Online daters are willing to put in the time, effort, and money for paid sites, so there is already a certain level of commitment. It’s difficult to find any of that IRL — in real life.
So, pick a site or two and get online. Put your best face forward. Be specific about what you want and who you are. Use keywords in your profile. Be sure you’re the focus of your photos. Include a full-body shot. Use at least one professional shot. Use mostly photos taken by someone else, not selfies, or only one or two selfies.
When someone contacts you, communicate only on the site until you’re sure they’re real. Ask for their last name so you can search them online. Ask to meet them in a public place. Always take your own transportation, and don’t allow them to give you a ride anywhere after. Tell a friend or family member who you’re meeting and where. Then have fun!
Just remember, In general, if someone seems too good to be true, falls for you immediately, and doesn’t live close enough to make meeting possible, they are scammers. If they can’t meet you, or cancel on you more than once, or even schedule a meeting and no-show, they’re probably scammers.
I’ve met some great people online, had first dates with several who didn’t work out, but who became friends. One became my hairdresser. I have one close friend and some clients who found true love online. Good luck and happy scrolling and swiping.
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock.com